Trice in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

(1) It should not come as a surprise that masturbation has not been successful lately. Between my emotions, my work schedule, my excessive drinking… my sex life has seen zero orgasms lately. Today… I fixed that. And it seemed transcendental. My body aches, my headache, my stress… with one orgasmic release, I found temporary respite. Which goes to the “What the hell?!” question. A simple orgasm re-focuses my entire universe… why is it that my Wife is physically so disinterested in the same?!

(2) I came to a realization this evening. I don’t blame Wife at all. I mean… consider things from her perspective? Woman A is how I shall refer to her and Man A is how I will refer to me. Now, put yourself in her position. Woman A goes to a club and meets Man A. Man A seems cute, interesting, and intelligent. Man A is clearly interested in you. However, you are living with someone else… unhappily, of course, but still. Woman A finally decides “Man A is super interesting and I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t at least try.” So Woman A tracks down Man A. Man A is… too much. He indicates that Woman A is an absolute treasure, a sexy beast, and a treat to have around. Woman A has never felt so… wanted. She’s caught up in the whole thing and when she finally returns to herself to ask the important question “Okay, wow, he really likes me. How do I feel about him?” It is too late. They are already married.

(3) When it comes to the hypothetical ULTIMATE, I can describe three separate women that are VERY different that would all fill the “Ultimate Role”. But I’m also at least somewhat pragmatic. Just because Krissy Lynn, Heather Carolin, and Mandi Raver might have the look ultimately doesn’t mean shit. Here is what I was thinking today:

I want my wife. Not just because she is my wife. But because… she is my world. And I feel like shit thinking that because… more than likely, she could never honestly say that about me. She is the sun and the stars to me. She is the relaxing moment and the exhilarating moment. Tje emotional and the sexual. She is my wife and I want every day with her to be better than the day before. But then… that is the problem, isn’t it? Objectively… she knows she would be a fool to reject me. Government Attorney with a good family, personal wealth, and love and attraction.......... I mean, what person in their right mind would reject that? At least, that is what I am imagining she is saying to herself.

I may not be Tom Cruise… but I am a short male lawyer with a big heart and a deep well of grace (and hopefully, I am intelligent). I am a catch. And my Wife is so ultimately pragmatic over all else that it isn’t a stretch of the imagination to consider that she has addressed our marriage via the pragmatic “If I leave, If I stay” perspective. But.... then there’s me. Actor. Preacher. Lawyer. I don’t want someone to say, “It makes the most practical sense to stay together.” I want someone to say, “I love you. I love you and I need you. I want to be your wife.”

I mean hell… my imagination has lots of potential scenarios. And as Horn Dog as I can be… the scenarios are not all “hump hump” sexual. Some are just my wife laying herself bare emotionally and I prove to her that I am a good caretaker of my wife’s heart.

Oh, the world.

Tomorrow? I close on a house and the Locksmith “begins” to fix the house.
Thursday? I pack more things and hope that the house we bought can quickly come up to code standards.

And as excited as I am to have the house? I don’t want to look at Porn. I don’t want to continue to drink myself into an unconscious stupor. I want to work.... come home… be greeted by Wife… have dinner… then enjoy Wife’s company. That sounds great. But our recurring, constant, eternal, serious problem of “Wife doesn’t really care that much” forces me to pause and consider things.

And I don’t like what I find when I consider things.