how i'm doing *swearing* from sept. 18th. in 2018

so this is from the 18th:

‘ i’m exactly where i should be w/ thinking she should’ve told me. they can’t fix me. [not regarding my sexuality. and well no as there’s nothing wrong w/ me to begin w/. no um.]. this is apparently what people w/o mental disorders expect of others. for once it’s not part of that.

i was going to come out to her. godf*damnit i was going to come out to her. one day. eventually. i had it all planned out too. i wish i hadn’t put that. cause of how real it is. yeah i sat and cried about it. i sat, in the dark and cried about it the other morning. yesterday. morning i think it was. oh........god. maybe the first person, ever, i would’ve come out. to, face to face. bisexual as a bisexual woman. oh..........

yeah nobody knows that. [well ok now they do.].

rather be hit by a cement truck or a train? well. neither. no but what i’m saying is neither of those is good. and that’s where i’m at. [or i was anyway. and not literally. no physically i’m alrite.]. um but. when we were getting together i wasn’t content. and now that we’re not. i’m not content. so. either way.

don’t you forget about me.

say something i’m giving up on you.

stay with me cause you’re all i need.

not to sound all parental. but what the hell was she thinking? well maybe she wasn’t. not well anyway. i can’t believe she did this to me and i can’t believe i feel this bad. and welcome. anger. and shock.

not to sound all parental. but what the hell was she thinking? well maybe she wasn’t. not well anyway. i can’t believe she did this to me and i can’t believe i feel this bad. and welcome. anger. and shock.

i want to know it meant something. the last almost 3 yrs. that that time meant something to her. my former mentor. and since i didn’t get anything.........from her.........on that. well. i don’t think that’s a tall order at all. i might not ever hear from her. [well maybe no’ever’ that’s a really long time.]. but, ya know. what am i doing for me? how am i going to make myself. a priority? [going back to being ‘fine’ again.]. just do the things i usually do. which. makes it seem like nothing’s changed. get chai from starbucks hot choc. once it gets cold enough. watch things i like. uh. wow.

i don’t need her. and i never did. i just needed her to do things differently. [former mentor.]. i’m an independent, strong woman. and my mom’s. the strongest woman i know. and the apple. doesn’t fall far from the tree..............but fuk. this hurts.

people - ok some - think being independent is bad. well look what it’s taught me. [no i’m being sincere.]. i’m ready for this. i got. what’ll help. alrite let’s go. ready for this fight. yeah. i think so.

wow talk about your emotional roller coaster. ‘