3 Quick in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Here are three quick, possibly offensive truths.

(1) I am stone cold, extreme, multiple other modifying words, terrified that Wife will never be as engaged in our sex life as I am. That really is terrifying to me. BECAUSE I’m worried about couple’s counseling on Saturday, I’ve been playing possible scenarios in my mind. NOW I COULD BE ENTIRELY WRONG HERE but the one that plays out that feels the most authentic, therefore likely to be real, is that we discuss the sex issue and Wife says, “Yeah, but he’s fat.” Which… fine, okay… I have more weight on my bones than I am comfortable with. We can either (1) live a supportive lifestyle whereby I am encouraged and aided in my weight loss journey or (2) we can continue to use shame as the only means of communication dooming everything to failure.

I’m going to pause here for a moment, because some readers have been REALLY helpful providing alternative perspectives and I appreciate the shit out of that. I do understand how a person can lose physical affection for someone after that person gains weight. I’m not ignorant to that fact. BUT one would hope that emotional, psychological, financial, and other means of support would at least somewhat counterbalance the “he gained weight” issue.

Shit, this is going off the rails already BUT… to veer a bit off course:
I read a Therapist’s Notes discussing how blame is the least productive element in therapy. They used the “hashtag” #WhoStartedIt as a kind of immature perspective. They were writing in this particular instance about a case where the wife only engaged in sexual interaction “about once a year on average”. After ten years of this, the husband had an affair. The therapist used the hashtag very much as a “Yes, the affair was wrong, but isn’t it fair to say it was expected?!” And I can back that one. Because I noticed a sixty year old woman today who was fine! Except she wasn’t. She was just a woman… any regular woman… treating me like a person. And frankly, it is this perspective that Wife so often pulls. SHE constantly says, “You’re not attracted to me, you’re just so hard up that I’ll do.” Except… if I were a more violent person, I’d start hitting her over the head. NO, crazy lady!! I married you because you are 93% my ideal! EMBRACE THAT FUCKING REALITY. Because, yes… sometimes after months and months… yeah, I’ll accept anything that comes my way. BUT YOU ARE MY WIFE. I ALWAYS want you. WHY IS THAT SUCH A DIFFICULT CONCEPT?!

(2) I don’t consider myself the cheating type. Even with permission. I want my world to be filled with love, respect, admiration, and companionship. Fuck, I’d be more willing to let Wife get her cheat on… under VERY specific circumstances. Like… if she just approached me and said, “I’m not sexually attracted to you. I’d like to stay married but fuck other guys.” THAT situation would push me over the edge! But if we were doing OKAY and she came to me and said, “You aren’t enough for me.” Then I would be more understanding. Which leads me to: I don’t consider myself the cheating type… but I tell you here and now under oath and observed by my God… if Raven or Aoife offered to pop over for a few nights? I’d say yes. I’m certainly not proud of that fact.... but that is honesty.

(3) I’m embarrassed to say this but: I don’t do well by myself. Snippets, vignettes, and examples:
Freshman Year of College- no friends, roommate out with his wrestling buddies, my brother and sister in law in a hotel in the city.... me? I’m in a dark 5x5 room playing Spider-Man 2 for the PS2.
Tower Monster Year of College- not welcome around my “friends”, no roommate, loud party being held by my “friends” that I was invited to… me? Drinking alone watching 1989 Batman.
For my birthday that year, my brother got me “Swingers” the DVD to inform me that I was socially awkward and likely never to get a date.
SO… where I am now is pretty expected. Living solo… despite trying to find people in the area who would acceptably be my friend or even date me… typically results in video games and porn. Because when the woman who knows you the best, who swore to love you forever in front of God and all of her family and friends… when she won’t fuck you? You’ve got your hand and your shame.