Pity Party For One in Current Events

I saw a specialist for my acne scarring and she gave me the truth like nobody has ever given it to me before. “I want you to have realistic expectations and understand that a scar is a scar and it will never go away. We have treatment options to help blah blah blah”
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Well if that ain’t my whole life in a nutshell. I started a grieving process here that I cannot shake and I cannot believe that I cut my hair after 3 years of growing it out in a desperate attempt to gain confidence. This is not the lowest I have felt this year but that is because I haven’t had energy to sink or swim. I’m just here doing nothing. Feeling nothing. Going nowhere. Wasting time and space. I have a holiday coming up and it will be another staycation where I am at home, too exhausted after waking up with my niece and too fatigued to do much of anything after that. I will waste all my energy exercising in the morning at home because I am too embarrassed to be seen in a gym that I am paying for. After I’ve wasted those couple hours I will stare at my body in the mirror and hate every inch of it and then I will shower and eat and sit around in my own head because I am incapable of naps. There is no song that soothes me. There is no recipe that fills me. There is no show or movie that moves me. My life hasn’t had any color and I haven’t even painted in a year. I refuse to drink, be on social media and spend money on shit that I don’t need. I have failed at everything I wanted to do this year and I really do not want to be this depressed and depressing. I know that I have opportunities here and that I can make things better and I will do so after I surrender to this pain. I am on a waiting list to see a therapist and I am not doing anything at all destructive to myself or my life so there’s that.
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I just want to get that feeling back that I had in January. I was so full of hope and ambition and positive energy. I need to start meditating and quit watching porn and get back into the mindset that I had then.
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I am being hard on myself here but I did accomplish plenty of things that I aimed to do this year. I am closer to my goals and I just need to stop being so hard on myself and take my power back and do the things that I need to do to advance me in my life.

Last updated October 24, 2018