introverts possessiveness been w/ other girls the pat thing evan alone. in yes i'm aware it's 2016. july 11, 2016 in Evan

‘ right so in one of my recent entries i mentioned that ‘ so turns out. i’m possessive of my guy friends. [not that i actively outwardly show it, or anything]. um yeah. ‘ ‘.

well and this was brought up bc on Fri. when evan & I were talking he said he’d been w/ other girls. well and i know we’re not like.officially together but it bothers me bc. i didn’t think he had any close friends. he’s the last friend I’ve made in the past 3 yrs. I haven’t wanted to make friends or get to know people and I didn’t think he did either. I was waiting for the both of us to get our lives together. he sure as hell never told me this before oh but now when I tell him in sept. for 3 months he won’t be hearing from me that’s when he decides to bring it up? well where the hell was this before? even if it’s not a relationship/fuking thing i’m still possessive of my guy friends. and maybe it is.
so i thought he was going to wait for me. to get my own place and eventually we’d get together. i don’t mean like ‘date’ i mean.like watch tv at my place kindof thing. cause he’d pretty much been stuck in his life and I thought that included socially. see this is why i’m not honest about certain things cause it only serves to upset people and no point in that. i knew he’d stayed w/ his brother for some time but i was cool w/ that. even if it had been a guy friend of his i’d be cool w/ it. like oh ok. and maybe he and the other lady just had a beer i don’t know. but those are only 2 of the reasons i haven’t gotten together w/ like Richard or someone. cause then i’d have to explain who he is/was and how we met and i don’t do that. one of the things I liked about having my own place was that no one except for like my ex or evan or maybe even Pat, knew what was going on. evan at my mom’s I haven’t gotten together w/ people except for evan. [i don’t mean like. literally at my mom’s]. if I were to meet Richard or someone at the cricket bar it’d still be too close. my mom knows I’ve gone [well not recently] [that was an awkward conversation to have. she wasn’t upset really it was just awkward] and i’m paranoid that she’d come and..........find out. or if i met someone at a bar here same thing. see i’m actually a really paranoid person.
and maybe he didn’t get together w/ these ladies i really don’t know. i don’t know what went on w/ them. even though we’d only talked about it once and that was 2 yrs. ago. i just thought............he wouldn’t be meeting ladies. cause he said he’d been w/ other girls which leads me to believe it’s more than just.seeing the same clerk at starbucks named Kim or w/e. or wherever. ‘been w/ ‘ has a totally different connotation than ‘met’. like ‘oh so i met this super cool lady the other day and we had a 5 min. conversation and that was it’. see to me that’s what ‘met’ means. been w/ ‘ to me sounds like sex. but again. don’t know.
and i don’t have that much of a right to be upset about this cause we never established parameters but maybe that’s why i am upset is bc we didn’t! i know like how can someone be upset that something isn’t happening. well that’s exactly how is bc it isn’t. but i didn’t think we even needed, to establish parameters here but apparently i was wrong. like w/ the clint thing. i didn’t think he needed to know to tell me before he breaks my confidentiality. usually i’ll tell people before i break their confidentiality. i’m not upset he broke it: no i’m upset.he didn’t tell me before it happened. and that’s the last time i tell anyone about that for a long time. yeah but anyway evan.
i just thought.as i’ve explained before. we were at the same place w/ the Pat thing which was.that that was one of the reasons neither of us or at least i hadn’t really gotten to know people. and ya know. i wanted him to be in the place i was in just so i wouldn’t feel alone. but no. and now here i am alone again w/ this. i put that part of my life on hold for him...........i guess i was stupid enough to believe and to expect, he’d do the same for me. but no. i guess i shouldn’t ever expect that anything i do he won’t match. cause he didn’t before w/ his drinking and being in rehab and such. and again it just proves...........i kindof don’t matter to him that much at least not as of late. [and don’t try and convince me otherwise cause again it won’t work] and talking to him about it won’t do anything so no point in doing that. but i still might.
and. There’s nothing wrong w/ people being at different places w/ something. no it just makes it hard. i don’t want people to be in a good place w/ things like that cause then i can’t relate to them.and then i can’t help them. and then i’m not useful. i like sad people bc i can help them. ‘