you make it real for me. in yes i'm aware it's 2016. may 19, 2016 in Evan

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while i’m trying to fend off a panic attack at 4:10 a.m.

um wow ok.

evan has this habit of.well as i call it ‘bringing me back down to earth’. he’s the only one who does that. but he’s the only one really i have a real relationship w/. i mean. we talk about my stuff like my um ED. We talk about......what happened to me. we talk about Pat. and it’s just so.real and gripping knowing.him. see i’m an avoider. and w/ him like i can still do that. and i have been for awhile. and I even do that in blogging. like oh i’ma write about ptsd.eventually. but I write about that and it gets real and.maybe i don’t want that.
Pat was my best friend but.well i was thinking about this recently. in a sense it wasn’t.real w/ him. he didn’t really let me in and, maybe i’m btter off but i also wish he had.so I could feel like I was talking to a real person.no i don’t mean genuine. er like...........idk relate-able. I found out from his mom, that he had depression. and that was only after............yeah. and maybe that’s cause, he was starting to get to know me and i him. actually although.......I remember one night when Pat was walking me back from the bar er from milo’s. he told me something...........he told me that something had happened to him.he didn’t give details only what it was. i’ve never told anyone that.
it’s like being his friend was like being in a fairytale. [and not just bc he was a guy and he loved me. like as in genuine human love and compassion. in that way]. but it wasn’t.............it wasn’t real. it’s idinno weird to me.
it’s like.i didn’t know him but i knew who he was. i wish i’d known him..................the way others had and did and do. ‘