I, Hypocrite in Random Public Stuffs

(Sighs. Rubs temples. Pinches bridge of nose.)

I don’t know how many times I have flat-out told people that I’m the world’s biggest hypocrite in the emotional realm.

In talking about emotions, I was never good at it. Now, in a “Friends Only” entry, I can spill my emotions. If you saw me in real life? People think that I’m cold-hearted.

I was brought up in a male-dominated military family. I used to cry pretty easily as a child at school because I never understood why other spawn were so willfully malicious. Then my Dad and uncles told me that ”nothing was ever going to get done by sitting on the ground and bawling, it just puts a bigger target on your back”. I heard that over and over…I eventually believed it.

From then on, I internalized a lot of pain. I would cry, but only when something major happened (like burying my stillborn son on Christmas Eve) or when I hit “blackout” drunk.

Within the last five years before his death, my Dad tried to tell me he was wrong, I needed to learn to ask for help, and it is okay to cry.

I try to teach my kids early, because going through a lifetime burying your emotions can make a person go crazy.

Its okay for YOU and EVERYONE ELSE to hurt…to cry. I have helped many people the best I can, hugs and all. They tell me they are embarassed. I say there is no reason for that, I understand, and I will help them “stand up”.

But when it comes to me sharing my feelings?

Nope. Not going to happen. Its NOT okay for me to do that, nor is it okay for me to cry in front of people.

So, it amuses me that, while people in my life mean well, they can’t seem to understand that I don’t share my feelings. It seems like they take it as a challenge. I thank them for their concerns and tell them I have a therapist for that.

I get frustrated and annoyed when they try to pry. If I wanted to share, I would. Its just not my thing.

That is why I keep telling these people, I’m a hypocrite”.

And I don’t feel bad about it.