listen to your heart/i want to see you laughing in the purple rain. decisions again. evan. dr. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done. dec. 7, 2015 in Evan

‘ so evan & I are good we’ve been good for awhile. We haven’t had any fights in..........um............almost 3 months. the last one we had was Sept. 17th. well that seems like a long time to me and it also isn’t. er doesn’t rather.
We had a good talk the night of thanksgiving as I might’ve mentioned. he’s been drinking again. um..........but we’re at the point again where certain things aren’t working and i kindof forget what right now. So before I left i think we were talking about this. oh yeah we did cause. he said something like if i wanted to stop being friends w/ him he’d understand and he’d probably be ok. Yes but that’s one of the reasons why i don’t want to. is bc of that. I remember back in April [god that was forever ago] I talked to him about the fact that some things weren’t working for me and that I thought it was better if we didn’t talk for awhile. and he was so nice about it really understanding. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made in awhile and that’s partially why. if he wasn’t such a sweet guy...........but he is. and he’s so devoted to me. and he’s been even moreso lately. Some things I could do w/o sure but that’s how it is for everyone we have things we could do w/o.
So idinno. no but except i do know. I know the options I have. But as to which i’ll go w/. well actually i already am. going w/ 1 of the 2 options. We either don’t talk for awhile or we do. And before I left [for my vacation] I thought i’d made my decision. But then I was thinking about it while I was away and I don’t thiink I’d fully thought it through. as i don’t. i’m not good at that game. A part of me’s curious as to what it’d be like not. talking and we’ve had that before and it was ok i think. to go back to the way it was the time before i knew him. Well but I can’t ever un-meet him. I told him that I felt obligated to be his friend and he told me he never wants me to feel that way. Well since we’ve talked about it. that’s not the only thing stopping me. But I think what played into that was that I’d never told him that. up untill that night. up untill thanksgiving. um.
The other part of it’s that if we stop being friends. I don’t have anyone else i’m that close to. i mean i have people in my life you know valerie, my sister, my friend Mark. But the bond I have w/ him [evan that is] I don’t have w/ anyone else. i don’t get to know people and also my friends I’ve discovered aren’t that great at keeping in contact. like my good friend Susie who I’ve known since i was 13. [god has it really been that long? wow]. We talk only every few months if that. that’s the only thing. If I didn’t have fb. I probably wouldn’t keep in contact w/ my friends that much even less so. And also w/ my friends i don’t know that many factual things about them. like their 3 fave animals and why. or where they went to school. or where they’re from. what jobs they’ve had. It’s more of an emotions based friendship. which is idinno weird cause it’s kindof like being friends w/ people you know nothing about. but ya know at the end of the day it’s not really about factual things. it’s about who they were who they are as a person. like maybe they’re really sweet or intelligent or funny or something.
um so anyway. [actually Mark’s from the marshall islands and he likes llamas. Susie likes dogs and we met in middle school].
Right so. The other thing stopping me is like I said. If I don’t have evan I don’t have anyone I’m that close to. i mean i can make that happen w/ other people it’s not like i’m.incapable of doing so or w/e. But the reason he’s the last friend I’ve made and that was. um. 3..............almost 3.5 yrs. ago. is bc i’m scared. I’m scared that if I get to know someone and become really good friends w/ them they’ll leave the same way Pat has. did. And in my opinion I don’t think it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. at least of right now anyway. cause if you’ve loved but then lost well. then you’re hurt cause you’ve now lost the person. so. I’d rather not have made a good friend to begin w/. if that’s what’s going to happen. [well sure if i think like that]. And I know the only way to make another good friend is to er let evan go in a sense which, well, I’ve already explained why i don’t want to do that, so. and while he might be ok once I’ve made that decision whenever it happens I don’t think i will be. when big things happen like that i’m generally not. But that’s what i want so i can self destruct and he won’t know about it. since we won’t be talking and all. but well that’s not good for anyone to do that. That’s the only reason I’d want it. well that and the curiousity factor. as i’ve stated.
I want to have. an anchor some way of letting him know how I’m doing that isn’t email or phone. and i have that I just haven’t gotten it yet. So that’s the other thing stopping me.
He says he wants to travel. to Seattle maybe Oregon make his way to Alaska. and once he’s done that then I’ll make the other decision. But for right now, well. I want to talk to him as much as I can spend a lot of time w/ him before he leaves. But for me I’m really hoping he won’t leave for my own selfish reasons. also we’re so much better now we have been for the last like. 3 months or so wow. We’ve been better the last 3 months then we have in awhile.
and the other thing is. that. well we’re together. we’re not in love but we’re together. we’re more than friends. we’ve been together since the end of aug. going on almost 4 months now. xmas eve it’ll be 4 months. and i don’t like breakups. well i wouldn’t think most people do. um. and i don’t know that i’d be ok w/ a breakup right now. it’s been almost 3 yrs. since my ex i broke up it’ll be this coming feb. and that’s the other reason i’m waiting. i’m going to wait untill after feb. to make the other decision. er to tell hm about the other decision i mean.
ok so i’ve already made my decision on that...........
so. well i’ll blog about the other decision later the one about my dr. [my psyshologist] and my mom. ‘