Article in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

So… this is from a Fashion website so take that with a grain of salt but some things from an article on “Couples Therapists Reveal the Biggest Deal Breakers Couples Ignore”
https://www.fashionbeans.com/content/couples-therapists-reveal-the-biggest-relationship-deal-breakers-people-ignore/?rtg=fashionbeans-fsb-1002709&param4=fsb-oo-fbss-2391-us-de-ocpm&param5=10154207778511186&param6=23843035754160532

(Only) One Of You Hates Your Job
The saying goes that familiarity breeds contempt, and this is particularly true of work. If one person in a relationship loathes their career, while the other soars in theirs, not only does this reveal a potential ideology clash (see above), but should one partner earn significantly more than the other, there’s heaps of room for feelings of inadequacy. This could bring about a metric tonne of resentment.

When they come home they bring all their stresses and difficulties

“You often find that, when we think we’ve got problems at home, people then find out that actually it’s their work,” says Jane Barnfield Jukes – a psychotherapist and founder of health supplement distributor Eudeamon.

“They’re doing a job they hate, and when they come home they bring all their stresses and difficulties, and vice versa. They might be at work, hate it, then go home and think their personal life is great, but… these are things that put pressure on a relationship, and can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.”

(Personal CK Point: This is why I’ll be VERY interested to see how Wife does in IF. With no Wal Mart scarring her psyche, this is the best time to find out who she is without that extra layer of bullshit).

The Bedroom Activity Isn’t Good
“I think sex is a very interesting topic,” admits Dr. Spelman, “because if it’s bad initially, it’s not to say it can’t get better, but it does take a lot of determination and communication to be able to say what your needs are.”

People often try to convince themselves it will be okay, as they really like everything else that goes with the package

This being true, a long-term trend of substandard bedroom activities might actually reveal a harsher truth. “If you’re just not physically attracted to your partner, but do love their personality, it is very hard,” Dr. Spelman adds.

“People often try to convince themselves it will be okay, as they really like everything else that goes with the package, so when the sex is not working in the early stages, it’s good to kind of ask, ‘Am I just not attracted to them, or do we just need to communicate more?’

“Sometimes, with enough problem solving, you can actually get to a solution, but other times there is no amount of problem solving in the world that is going to make that situation okay – it is just not a match.”

You Criticize Each Other
Rows. Tear ups. Bickering. Squabbles. No matter what you call them, disagreements are part and parcel of any relationship. Healthy, even. (In fact, beware the couple that smugly proclaims they’ve never argued – there’s every chance they’re not of this realm.)

Every time you criticize somebody, it’s like throwing a grenade into the middle of the marriage

But a propensity to constantly needle your partner with snide insults – and them you – is particularly worrisome, as over time this will chip away at the foundations of a relationship.

“Criticism is so harmful because it is received as an attack,” says Barnfield Jukes. “The minute you feel attacked or under threat by somebody, you’ve already taken up an opposing position. Worse, you’re no longer a ‘we’, so it basically becomes a deal breaker because it immediately separates you. ‘You’ve done this’, ‘You’ve done that’.”

Barnfield Jukes claims that, simply reframing the debate (“‘How did we get to this position?’ or ‘I feel…’”) redraws the battle lines from conflict back to conversation. But, should a consensus not be reached, be careful you don’t fall back into making little digs.

“Every time you criticize somebody, it’s like throwing a grenade into the middle of the marriage or relationship,” Barnfield Jukes adds. “They’re like little mini grenades – they might be really big or apparently small, but each one has an impact.”

Silence Is Wielded Like A Sword
“Stonewalling,” says Barnfield Jukes, “is one of the worst weapons. You’re literally shutting somebody down without saying or doing anything. You still function in the same environments – you’ll do what’s needed to feed the children, pay the mortgage or put the bins out – but when you start to shut down within the relationship, then there’s nowhere for the other person to go.”

Whether it’s you or your other half that does it, upholding the lie that everything’s rosy to all around you (to keep up appearances, or out of embarrassment), while not engaging with your partner beyond what’s mandatory, is a mental prison. “It’s like sending someone to [jail],” says Barnfield Jukes, and it can actually be really corrosive.”