Note To Self in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

As was proved again this evening… hugging my wife is awesome. Also, when/if she says “I love you” in a way where I know she means it… awesome. The problem is she says it that way so very rarely.

But what I damned sure need to mention at counseling: I kissed my wife, and I got an erection. Why is this note worthy? Because Wife sees any erection or compliment or approach to “sexy times” as evidence of my inexperience.

To her? Kissing wife leading to an erection is more evidence that she married “an inexperienced lad who will always want sex with you because he doesn’t know better.” Of course.... this belief does NOT lead to her wanting me to hook up with other people.

But the problem with that is.... that means EVERY erection is suspect. EVERY desire to have sex is filtered through the “he doesn’t know better” mental app. Not that I’m making or allowing for excuses but… no wonder we didn’t have sex for the first 3 years of marriage! Wife thinks I only want her because I don’t have a “better frame of reference.”

DEFINITELY something to bring up during counseling. Because, of course, she is right AND wrong at the same time… which is why we need a professional helping us out.

Would I like to fuck a number of different women to gain experience? Actually, YEAH! I wouldn’t mind exploring the world of fucking.
Is it going to happen? Fuck no! My marriage vows meant so much to me that I tried to stick to them even BEFORE I met my Wife. That was my “Christian Upbringing”. That spiritual vows are outside of linear time. Therefore, having sex with a woman who was not my wife was an act of ADULTERY and I was hurting my wife by having sex with someone that wasn’t her. It was brilliant manipulation. I considered that any woman that would actually WANT to marry me be blown away by the Christian Concept of “I loved you even before I knew you. I loved you so much, I vowed to stay faithful to you, even when I didn’t know your name.” That was like.... a big fucking deal to me!! I thought it would be SO romantic.

Of course, life has ways of working out differently. I married someone who had sex with me twice, then refused sex for the next three years. Who now considers sex “something (I) do out of pity and inexperience.” Uh… no. I want to have sex with my wife because I find her fucking hot, I love her, I made a spiritual and contractual agreement to remain her legal and spiritual partner, and because.... sometimes my dick needs attention. It is equal parts frustrating and aggravating that my wife thinks “sex out of pity” is a thing that goes both ways.

BUT.... and how’s this for a Catch 22… even if Wife ever realizes that sex is an important part of a relationship… that isn’t enough for me. This immature “I want sex, so I giggle and run to the bed as I disrobe” thing isn’t working for me. I’d like a sexual, romantic, married relationship that accepts and embraces those things. I don’t want a “sex night” to be Wife running into the bed, disrobing, then acting like an 8 year old until we have sex. Actually, KIND OF A TURNOFF. I’d much rather have an adult seduction… something that entices the mind and libido. Though… as I say that....my brain genuinely asks me if I’m asking too much. I hope I’m not!! I would hate to have a libido that far surpassed my ability!