so we're better in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done. sept. 19, 2015 in Evan

‘ evan & i. um we got together yesterday cause i went to my mom’s. he was better he tried not to be so depressed. idinno if he was trying for me or for him. or for both. but either way. he got there at 4 and i had to go at like 4:40. so we went to the store a few mins. before that. i got him milk. since he doesn’t have any money and also i want to. he’s not like taking advantage of me in that way. which once upon a time people thought he was. no if i have food in my place my friends are welcome to it. or liquor. he didn’t force me into buying him stuff nor did he control me financially. it wasn’t like ‘if you don’t do this this is what’s going to happen’. no he didn’t threaten me. that being said he didn’t always treat me right either. but i don’t want to go into that.
idinno. i sent him a text telling him........... well, this: ‘yeah. my rapes were real. don’t ever imply they weren’t. don’t ever downplay/minimise them. when i’m already doing that. since it’s the first time you’ve done that you’d think i’d let it go but since it’s such a big thing i’m not going to. i have a hard enough time not minimising them for myself and believing myself they weren’t that bad w/o someone else implying that’

there was other stuff in the text that’s irrelevant to that situation. we haven’t talked about it. he hasn’t been like ‘i won’t’ or anything. um. i want him to say something about it. instead of sitting there and not partaking in us. this is one reason i get so frustrated w/ him. also i don’t have patience at all which is more my issue than his. i’m the person who will keep bringing something up untill someone says something about it. i don’t really give people a chance to apologise or w/e bc i’m really impatient.

anyway. this was supposed to be about how we’re better. ya know well for one he eluded to the fact that he wanted to apologise. he went out of his way to come and see me twice this wk. wed. was probably one of our worst days. um idk. he tried not to be so depressed.
but see. this is why i don’t like looking at things this way. bc i like being annoyed bc i like the power it gives me. yes there are other ways of getting that but they don’t feel as good to me, so. not that being annoyed is bad exactly but it’s not exactly a pleasent emotion. for me it’s a difficult emotion bc i don’t want a hug i don’t want to calm down i just want to stay annoyed and have someone validate that. and be like ‘i get that’ or ‘yeah i’m the same way’.
and i’m doing better bc i’m. buying things for him [well i mean. in order to get back into his good graces] and also i’ve been there when he’s shown up. i haven’t like left the park or anything. though i mean i can.........nothing’s stopping me exactly. well..........except something is. his craziness. i’m still afraid. i know i can’t control it. but.........i just don’t want to hear about it. ever. and then i get put out when he doesn’t tell me stuff. cause i feel like that’s not fair to me. which in a way it’s not. it’s not fair for me to tell him stuff but then he doesn’t tell me stuff. except he doesn’t actually tell me anything. he doesn’t tell me how he feels he just goes on about it and gets agitated w/o explaining why what led to that. yeah he’s not good at communication. and i have this impression that. er i’m under the impression that. rather. when he talks to his mom about things he actually tells her why he’s annoyed. though i don’t know. and that’s one reason i still want to talk to her about him. is so i’ll know. but then it’s like. there’s that whole thing of. well if he did tell her why he was annoyed but not me i wouldn’t like that. so i only. really want to know if the answer’s no he doesn’t. but i don’t know that it is. so maybe i’m better off not knowing and in fact i probably am. also i think she knows him better than anyone and i’m hoping she’ll be able to help me understand him better. but idk if he’s ok w/ that............i haven’t brought it up. and i did for awhile untill i actually talked to her by accident in april. well i was upset to the point where actually verbalising anything um. was hard. and she got that. and she helped. and so now since that’s happened. well that’s why i haven’t brought it up. as i’ve already explained. um anyway.
so but we’re working on that. he and i. he told me that whenever he starts to get agitated i should tell him to shut up. in those exact words. verfukingbatim. yeah i’m a fan of verfukingbatim. and i have. which i like cause i can say exactly how i feel what i’m thinking. i can be direct. and it feels really weird. i don’t do that w/ people. cause i don’t want them to know me. it has nothing to do w/ me being nice. [and don’t try and convince me otherwise]. and the other reason i like it cause it doesn’t sound nice. and well cause it’s not. and it feels like in a weird way someone’s giving me permission to not be nice to them. to say something that isn’t nice. instead of me just deciding for them that that’s how i’m going to be. and it’s also i don’t know. i’m somewhat taken aback by it. i’m so used to. thinking i’m not allowed to talk to someone that way. [which really people shouldn’t. i mean they can but they shouldn’t]. i’m also used to thinking that. much as i don’t want to admit it people don’t have feelings. i’m a lot more careful w/ things than i am people. but maybe that’s cause they are things. and since things er of course don’t have feelings i’m going to be more careful w/ them. but people have feelings so it’s like oh i can do what i want w/ them. which isn’t always bad but i also always shouldn’t and i’m not um i’m not proud of that.
wait maybe it’s not good for me to tell him to shut up. well it is and it isn’t. and also. maybe he’s trying to prove to me that i don’t have to be afraid of him by him telling me i’m allowed to do this by giving me permission to do this to say this. that. w/e. i mean no i don’t ‘have’ to be which is my point. but also i didn’t just wake up one day and randomly decide to be. no certain things contributed.
he’s also aside from him playing the rape card thing been nice to me. which is really damn annoying. we haven’t fought [no and in quite awhile] but i’ve been more not nice to him than he’s been to me. like so in other words he’s been nicer to me than i have to him. though i did thank him twice for yesterday. maybe he’s just a nicer person than i am i don’t know. well. he’s not mean exactly. he’s really sweet and he’s got a good heart. [and yeah i know this is partially me defending him. damnit]. but he’s also crazy. he’s both. no he’s just. more patient and more easygoing and understanding abuot certain things than i am. ‘