Visited grammas grave in 2018

I’m doing another talk to text entry, I hope it doesn’t screw up… Because I really don’t proofread before I save and upload Ha ha ha…

So last weekend my family and I went out of town, it seem to be just what I needed. I would to the graveyard and visited my grandmother and that was nice. I’ve never had anyone in my family pass away before so I’ve never visited a grave site before… I didn’t really know what to do when I got there. I got Chris to drop me off and go back to The cottage. I just wanted to be alone because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen when I got there. I haven’t been back since the burial in July. It’s about six hours from where I live.

I thought I’d be in tears and have a really hard time with it, seeing the gray for the first time since she was buried. I walked up and saw it from a distance and my heart skipped a few beats but I was generally OK I didn’t have to fight back tears, but I did feel a little sad.

I sat on the ground, I don’t know if that’s normal, I don’t know what people do at cemeteries. I had written a note for her, as well as printed out a few photos of my children for her… I put them in a Ziploc bag and then put them on the tombstone. The ground was a bit damp so I took my sweater and I laid it down and then I laid on my sweater. I looked around I didn’t see anybody else there at all. So I didn’t know if this was strange behaviour or not. I guess you can do whatever you want at your family’s gravesite. I just chatted with her a bit out loud and then I laid there beside her grave and Took in the sun, watch the butterflies, listen to the crickets, played on my phone a bit, it just felt kind a normal?

Like I didn’t want to be anywhere else. It seemed like a good place to be, and I was calm, and it was nice. I guess maybe in some ways it doesn’t feel real yet. Know what I mean? Like I guess I figured when she passed away should be here in our town where we would see her prior, or see it happen, or should be found dead in her home… But since he passed away in a city about six hours away from here and I wasn’t there maybe that’s why doesn’t feel real yet? Before she got sent to this other City she was still in our town and she was talking and coherent and fine, so the last I saw of her, no she wasn’t doing well, she Was having plenty of issues but she was alive and well… Next thing you know she’s gone. But she got transferred to the city to get a pacemaker put in, and they had it put in partially, like a temporary one, and we were just waiting to see how she reacted to that, and her body went downhill so fast that she was gone with an 18 hours of me seeing her last.

I do miss her so much and I wish you were still around and I catch myself wanting to talk to her all the time and then realizing that she’s actually gone… But I’m not sitting there having meltdown after meltdown like the rest of my family is I’m not sure why that is, whether or not I’m dealing with my grief properly who knows… Or maybe I just deal with it my own way, and this is actually OK… Chris will disagree I’m sure, he thinks that I should be a mess, but I’m not. And I know it’s “just my grandmother “but in my Family she was such a huge part of everyone’s daily life, we live in the same town two minutes away from each other, she practically raised me, we were at her house all the time… So it’s more like losing a mother.
Family she was such a huge part of everyone’s daily life, we live in the same town two minutes away from each other, she practically raised me, we were at her house all the time… It’s more like losing a mother.
Kristen <3