I Should Be Sleeping #2 in Journal #1: The Real Me

Sometimes I just want to take a person’s face into my hands and stare into their eyes for a long period of time. Both to make them uncomfortable, and simply just to see.
Sometimes I want to rip a person’s left leg off and beat them with it for no good reason.
Sometimes my idea of love is punishing, and sometimes its just having the rare decency to leave someone alone.
There was this quote in this one movie, “I push boundaries, and that’s how I show my affection” or something like that.

And I was like yeah, I couldn’t have put it any better myself.
When I get lonely I get grabby, like I physically want to touch something alive and do what I want with it.
I’m lonely, but its more like boredom. But I think “lonely” is the best term for it.

Everyones lucky, I have no friends.
I betrayed most of them,scared them to tears, and then told the rest I was committing suicide and blocked their numbers. I deleted social media, got homeschooled, and became secluse.
I don’t really go out for pleasure, I do everything for the benefit of me and for some reason that’s not understandable?

Even my room stays the same, anything and everything that’s in my life from a pen to a paperclip has a purpose or else its useless.
I go out to shop, and that’s it.
I barely find anything fun unless its loud,dangerous, or downright terrible.

Sometimes I randomly throw M-1000’s out the window to see how my family will react.
This one time I was in the car and we saw a deer, and I nearly threw my phone at it before stopping and realizing that if I were to throw my cellular device out the window I wouldn’t get it back.
I should carry fireworks and my lighter on me just in case a moment like that arises again.

I’ve been itching for something to do. I want to ride a rollercoaster.
Sometimes I send random messages or dick pictures to people on Craigslist.
I have a thousand hobbies and they’re not satisfying. I learned like five different instruments and another language and I still get so bored man.

I need weed. I need alcohol. I need everything.
If only I was still in contact with that one person I used to date, who’s mother was a drug dealer. We’ll call them “O”.
O’s mother sold capfuls of weed to inmates.
And at high school, they sold weed brownies.Mmmm.

This one time my mother found empty beer cans under my bed. I’ve been drinking since like, I don’t know since I was young.

I’m revealing random things about myself, I’m most definetly tired.

I used to get really tired when I would eat like an entire container of nutmeg. But like high tired,because high amounts of nutmeg get you high (when I’m desperate, I’m surely desperate) and then I’d watch A Blue Planet on Netflix. Whales are crazy, and dolphins are psychopaths sometimes.

Ok I’ll sleep now.