Anxiety/depression ... this ones a bit deeper in 2018

I think this one’s going to be totally about my anxiety and how it controls my fucking life.

As I said in the last entry sometimes it’s all I can do to get out of bed in the morning and get the kids to school. Sometimes as soon as I open up my eyes I just want to come up with any excuse to go back to sleep and let the kids take the day off school. Whether it be oh “I want to spend some time with them”… or “They don’t need to go to school today”… I’m always looking for the next reason to stay in my house.

And of course my husband doesn’t get it, not even one little bit. If you’re not someone who’s ever suffered through anxiety or depression you honestly can’t even empathize. You might not even be able to sympathize but you most definitely can’t empathize because you have no idea, And you probably never will.

So with that being said I get very easily overwhelmed by the smallest of things. And you know what I’m not even sure if it’s the smallest of things that get me overwhelmed, or the simple fact that I tend to not feel my emotions as they come up.I’m definitely the type of person that hides how I feel I would say 90% of the time.

When I was a young teenager I went through a lot of emotions I was a very passionate person and I felt anxiety and I showed it. Mental health was not something that anybody talked about back then. I was called things like “crazy “And “Insane” While in the midst of trying to understand what I was feeling. So when you go to your parents, friends, boyfriend, Dr.… And tell them that you’re having these thoughts and feelings and you don’t understand where they’re coming from and all anyone can tell you is that you’re obviously just crazy… You tend to stop going to these people with any of your feelings. I had suicidal thoughts and tendencies, I was in constant fight or flight mode, which was exhausting. I started seeing a therapist and I finally felt heard and I wasn’t called crazy by her. She diagnosed me with anxiety and told me I had a fear of abandonment, and then she moved away…

After that I thought I was OK I thought I was able to deal better. But apparently since then I’ve just been masking everything. Now my husband wishes that I would show some sort of emotion other than anger… Because I’ll show anger… And anger usually is just a mask for other emotions.

I do take on more than I should, but I don’t have a choice, because I don’t have a huge support system. I don’t keep a lot of friends because I’m very introverted, and the friends that I do have I would never ask for anything. When I first had my first daughter I was a stay at home mom. And then I started to talk if you career, a lot of you might remember that… And that went very very well. I had another child, start another job… but somehow I still do everything at home, cook, clean, laundry, dishes, mop, sweep, dust, homework, make lunches, drive my kids to dance every day, still do photography, still go to work… And maybe to some people that’s every day stuff and they get by just fine without a single thought. But to me a day with all these tasks becomes very overwhelming. I can’t imagine working 9 to 5 getting off work at 5 o’clock then doing homework with the kids and then dinner and baths etc. etc. etc. And when I get overwhelmed I have no one to talk to. Because no one in my life has ever wanted to hear it before so I would I want to hear it now, my mom is barely a mother… Chris doesn’t I understand how I could be so tired because he works a 9-to-5 no problem and still has 1 million other things to Do you and he’s completely fine after, but sometimes the simplest of tasks take everything from me.

And honest to God I don’t know whether or not this is the heart condition or anxiety. Or if the heart condition is caused by anxiety. Or vice versa.

But what I do know is that talking out loud seems to help, and as you guys know I’m talking to text right now, so I’m getting things off my chest that I normally wouldn’t. I’ve always looked at this website and open diarrhoea as therapy and I’m not sure why when I’m feeling overwhelmed I don’t turn to this quicker. But maybe now that I use this talk to text I can do it a little quicker and on the spot, and tell you how I’m feeling when I’m feeling it, and maybe just getting out there will help.

So I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense sometimes because I am using the talk to text things might not come up as they’re supposed to. And it’s safe to assume that I won’t proofread Ha ha ha.

Kristen <3