I'm unique in Vulnerability

The damn painter is at the house again when all I want to do is immerse myself in some Stan or Netflix to take my thoughts away from the world. And he’s spray painting so the machine or whatever he uses is making a constant clunking noise. Just what I wanted to hear at 8am this morning.

Instead, I’m in the same cafe I was in yesterday, having the same breakfast and wasting money that I know I should be saving, but hey, sitting down here gives me something to do for a half hour or so at least.
So I haven’t woken up in the best mood, but I’m getting a mocha into me at the cafe which might make me perk up a bit. Still waiting on the food (same as yesterday). At least I’m in a comfy chair today. Small things.

My sister created am immediate family group on Facebook last night to inform us all that she’s been diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. So that was a bit of a surprise. Then I said the appropriate-sorries and she said she thinks they caught it early and she should be okay. She’s having removal surgery today.

I then started wondering why most people only ever share the major stuff in their lives. I’m someone who enjoys the small things and the memes that make me laugh. I only ever see my sis at family gatherings and even there she says barely anything. My family are so awkward. I guess that’s where I get it from. Mum is the one always with something happening. The whole family seems to find out stuff about each other via her. Except in this case. My sis has breast cancer.

My cousin posted photos of his wedding. Another guy I haven’t spoken to or seen in around 12 years. Didn’t even know he had a girlfriend if it wasn’t for mum telling me she and dad were heading over to Fiji for it.

Because I’m out and about in the city today avoiding the painter (dunno how I’m gonna do that for another 6 hours) I was walking through the mall and a woman walking the other way suddenly went down, right in front of me. Naturally, I asked if she was okay and grabbed her belongings that went flying and moved them closer to her. She was like, “No, something’s happened,” whilst grabbing her ankle.
You know what I did?
I immediately thought, “Something doesn’t seem right here” and I WALKED AWAY and didn’t look back.
For whatever reason, my mind had told me that this woman was faking it and my instincts told me to keep walking.
I wasn’t even sure if I’d heard her yelling after me in exasperation, “What?? Yeah just walk away,” or something like that whilst she was still on the ground in the middle of the mall.

I dwelled on it for ages. For too long. I’m selling up now writing about what happened probably an hour and a half ago now, wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I could have at least offered to help her up to one of the nearby seats in the mall. I could have asked if she needed an ambulance (I doubt it but you never know). Nope,I shoved her shit back toward her, asked if she was alright and when she said, “No” I thought, “Oh well not like I can do anything” and I kept walking.
Fuck me. Christ help anyone if they have a heart-attack in front of me. I am trained in basic first aid but it’s been quite a few years since I did it.
As soon as the woman answered me, it just didn’t seem right. I suddenly didn’t trust someone who had probably genuinely injured herself. Even as I was walking away, I was alert as to if she had gotten up and was following me.
So fucking weird! What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe I just need to pack in this life thing, start the game again, try to pick the right choose-your-own-adventure path this time. Cos this one is shit. A 34-yo currently at the cafe in tears LOL. What. A. Basketcase.
I should be upset that my beautiful sister has stage 1 breast cancer. Instead I’m upset that I didn’t handle a situation that just happened well.
Go figure.
I don’t even know if I can go visit my sister. I’m assuming they’ll keep her in for a while?

I ended up walking over to Southbank, even though there was nothing to do there. I did see two guys walking holding hands though, so that was pretty cute. I thought about following them in case anyone tried to give then any trouble. But that would’ve been weird.
All the movies I wanted to see at that cinema I’ve seen. I’ll probs get too scared to see ‘The Meg’ although I’d see anything to take my mind off it’s jumbled mess at this stage. “The Book Club” is playing at the more pricey cinema in the city here, and it is cheap Tuesday, so that’s an option. Although that cinema’s “cheap” option is still double what the Southbank cinema’s prices are. And I’ve spent $40 on cafe-breakfasts the past few days. Hmmmm 🤔 Better than dealing with a noisy painter I suppose.

Of course, since my mind is on a rollercoaster as usual, I was thinking about a meme I saw yesterday that said, “Dating in your 20’s is heading out to try and meet someone. Dating in your 30’s is staying at home and expecting someone to go meet you.”
It made me smirk.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been trawling Grindr, more bored and browsing than actually horny (maybe a little bit). I noticed that Nick has unblocked me. Kurt’s back on there since he dumped his bf over the weekend. And bloody Braydon (ex housemate) is constantly sending me nudes and photos of himself licking whipped cream etc and driving me crazy. Nothing has ever happened with him in the past or ever, but he sends me frustrating shit like that, AND he has a boyfriend these days. And he says stuff like, “Well I couldn’t wait around for you forever”. I’ve just put him in the “dick-tease” category I think. I know I’ve hooked up with someone with a boyfriend in the past but it doesn’t mean I think it’s right if they’re not open. But geez, Braydon is still such a hottie.

I’m no spring-chicken anymore, so I don’t know if I’ll ever meet someone who just ‘gets me’ and still likes me.
And this obsession with Luke in Sydney makes absolutely zero sense. We don’t even live in the same state, I’m too shy to even say hi to him (unless I’m drunk and we’re both at the same club during Mardi Gras when I’m actually in Sydney), he could be married with a committed husband for all I know, and the whole thing is just dumb. How am I ever suppose to date a guy (even if I wanted to) when I’m obsessing over this other guy? And I barely know what his personality is like outside one or two house parties like four years ago.
Jesus Christ guys - be thankful you ain’t in my head LOL.
At least I can always laugh at how unique I am.

Last updated September 04, 2018