A Brief Moment That.... in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

A Brief Moment That Will Depict Me Both As Pathetic and As Vulnerable

Today… all day… I’ve been feeling fat. That feeling of fat has turned to feeling bloated. Uncomfortable and Unflattering.

And a thought has been poisoning my mind. This is the happiest I’ve been in many many years. Truly. I’ve not been this happy with Life in General since college. Wanna know why that is particularly disturbing? Because I met Wife at the tail end of college. I would NEVER suggest Wife is completely at fault for things having not been good in my life before… but she’s certainly had an influence. After all… I got into Law School… should have been this massive celebratory sigh of relief. Instead it was panic, stress, and taking care of her emotional fears about change and moving and the like.

But now? Now… I’m in the best job I’ve ever had. A job that makes me feel like I’m doing what I should be doing with my life. And when I come home? I’m fucking thrilled that I’m not immediately brought down by a planet’s worth of misery, negativity, and gravity. I come home and I can clean without being criticized, I can get naked without being being called gross due to sweat and ‘unattractive body’, I can read or watch a movie or play video games without someone trying to make me feel guilty about doing the things I want to do. And most of all? When I come home… I don’t have to immediately shift into “How can I take care of you?” mode. And that is what terrifies me. That is what makes me paranoid to the point of tears. Coming home to a lonely, anti-social emptiness is at least more fulfilling and emotionally satisfying then coming home to a wife who is always talking about how broken she feels, how unhappy she is, how hopelessly lost she feels.

And that makes me feel like even more of a monster. Like a selfish, cruel, monster. Because I do love my wife. I want the best for her. But… this feeling? This.... light, happy feeling? I haven’t felt it much over the last seven years. Not sure if I’ve felt it at all. And the FACT that being away from her as I’ve begun this new wonderful job/life? I can’t help but think… what if, when we return to living together, all of this goes away? WHAT IF living together again… means I come home to “Complaint, Negativity, Emotional Breakdown, Dark Clouds” all the time… again. I don’t want to. I don’t want my home life to be 100% taking care of a woman so depressed, self-focused, and miserable that she kills all the happy and celebration in anything. GOD, I feel like such an absolute DICK saying all of this. My wife is beautiful. My wife is lovely. My wife is wonderful. But so much of the time my wife is tragic. Me and my fascination with artists. As much as my wife is like my father… I blame my penchant for artistic types on my mother and brother.

I’ve just been whining. Well, technically, I’ve been airing a deep seated (or is that seeded) concern that could be the very crux of whether I am married next year or not… but… this very thought process fills me with guilt. The idea that I may be happier without my wife around? Yeah. Guilt City. If I think of it… I’ll print this to bring to counseling. Because… this is FAR too much of a worry (that could easily turn into an obsessive thought) to try to ignore or deal with on my own. :(

Last updated August 31, 2018