Jan. in Moving/SSI/host homes

**'8th

um. so. not soon and finances.**

So the main reason I'm not moving out of my parents' is bc of finances. They don't have the money to pay for me to live somewhere else. So my mom says the government'll pay for me to but it all depends on how I did on the SIS test.' **____________________________________________________________________________

'yeah so here's what happened.**

anyway to backtrack a few months. So over the summer I visited a few host homes. Pam, Monte, Marcella [I think that was her name], Tabby, Jeri, Veronica and Christian and the Indian couple whose names I don't remember. I ended up staying at Pam's and Monte's that summer.

Pam 's married to Dwayne and they have 2 other guys living w/ them Craig and um........the other one. Gary, maybe? they're all older than me. they were nice. They have 2 dogs a German shepherd Maggie and an old Basset Beau. they were nice too. I stayed in a room in the basement where it was cold and there was a tiny tv. The house was nice but intimidating since it had all these nice things in it that I was afraid I'd break. I didn't btw. My only issue there was that since it was like, in Montbello or somewhere, [it was up in the mtns] everything was really far away. I don't drive nor have I ever and I don't want to.

Yeah so I also stayed w/ Monte for a weekend. and ended up staying w/ her again back In Nov. when my parents were on holiday. She was lovely but made me feel like I was incompetent like I was 5. she was also. easily manipulated turns out. [I've previously written about this, so]. and she was like my dad in that way. He's not the authoritative one between him and my mom. never has been. apparently he hates confrontation. which when he mentioned it I didn't care to know that. as in I would've been fine not knowing it. My mom won't let me get away w/ stuff which is funny considering I've been drinking at when he mentioned it I didn't care to know that. as in I would've been fine not knowing it. My mom won't let me get away w/ stuff which is funny considering I've been drinking at her place and I'm not sure she knows that. and she's not going to. [it's like they say once a dr. always a dr. once an alcoholic always an alcoholic]. Yeah and my dad's another person who makes me feel I'm incompetent like I'm 5. She was in Aurora. I really like aurora. She's from Ethopia.

I didn't stay at Marcella's. She was by Littleton. my paternal grandmother lived there so growing up until I was like, 14, 15 we went to her place there weekly. untill she moved. my dad grew up there. I mean that's not why I didn't weekend at her - Marcella's -. her house smelled funny [actually so did Monte's it had this weird bad incense smell. I'm one who likes incense]. and she - again Marcella - had a 2 yr old. I love children but I don't have a lot of experience w/ them. or any really. actually. um. so there are of course certain things you shouldn't say/talk about around children. She's from Arkansas.

Tabbby was lovely as well. I also didn't weekend at her place and I don't remember why. She and her husband have 3 boys who are 9 - 12. they're all very sweet. Her mother lives w/ her which was fine. they're also from Ethopia.

Jeri I didn't like at all. her daughter was cool and her mom was too. I didn't feel I could connect w/ Jeri and she asked too many questions when I stayed the night. er I mean during the stay at her place. She's lovely and caring but pushy. she's another from Ethopia. I liked Veronica and Christian. they were quiet really nice I think from Indonesia. they again had 2 kids a girl and a boy between 9 - 12. very musical people. I didn't weekend at their place. The Indian couple were also nice. like indian as in from india. I forgot why I didn't stay at their place.

yeah so yesterday my parents and I had a meeting at RMHS [Rocky Mtn Human Services] w/ Fernando my new case manager. and Tiffany who was only there for 10 mins. I'm not sure why. and then Lori came in and gave me the SIS test which was a bunch of questions about daily living. there were a few my parents and I disagreed on one being 'prevention of exploition‘]. well ok so the questions weren't in the form of questions they were things that determined my capability of being able to do so. So 1 was I'm fully of capable of being able to do so and 3 is I need help w/ that. So my parents and I had different answers on that one. theirs was like a 3 and mine was a 1.

• Side note to the above paragraph:[and no Evan didn't exploit me they just think he did since they misinterpreted what went down back in May. which I've not written about as I'm not yet ready to, so. although at some point I should since this is the one place I can be completely honest. oh and evan also never abused me - unlike my mother. and my ex. and all 3 of my r*ists nor did he threaten me. unlike my ex. er I don't think. no my ex was the one who *actually threatened me which no one seems to be at all worried about and if they are they've not mentioned it. well er not that I want it to be mentioned as I don't. no see my ex threatened me w/ the promise of sex abuse awhile back. this was prior to us breaking up which was Feb. of last yr. that's not why we broke up. I'm more afraid of my ex than I am of Evan! actually I'm not that afraid of Evan. obviously. or else we wouldn't still be exchanging phone calls. btw I've only contacted my ex once since we broke up and that was back in Sept. I've not contacted him since being that clearly and understandably, I’m afraid of him!

• Side note to the above side note: Jessica doesn't know about any of the sex abuses. not many do. like, in actuality. I'm not ready to tell about the most recent one which was last Dec. [not last month I mean the Dec. before that] regardless of who you are. if she did and she will at some point when I'm ready then I'll tell her about what exactly my ex threatened me w/]. ok and.

Another one of the questions was prevention of substance problems or something which my parents rated a 1. good thing too. which is also funny since I've been an on and off pill popper for about a yr now. no I'm not currently engaging in it. nor have I been smoking [i mean pot] for. like almost a yr. Please Don't tell me the ramifications of pill popping. another question was prevention of sex assault, the other was of suicide attempts. also, a 1. which again sis funny since the alcoholism, anorexia and pill popping is.....well, that. [but I don't cut anymore btw. they think I still do. I'll explain why in an upcoming entry. I mean ill explain why they think I still do. probably. um I stopped bc it made me too emotional. which is precisely why I should stop getting really drunk. and actually I haven't gotten really drunk in awhile as my tolerance has built, so. no I'm not saying alcoholism is good oh god no. its terrible].

um so after the test Brenda met w/ us to talk about my moving and she went over a list of things I should write down in terms of what I want/don't want. for when I move. which I've not yet done. she's like 'so like what don't you like about your parents' is one' and I'm thinking 'um. I don't think I should tell you that' she meant what don't I like about living at my parents not the relationship. which is how this relates to the whole moving thing. yeah so yesterday was quite a long day.'