Entry #0 in Journal #1: The Real Me

I might be a sociopath. I’ve sort of realized that for a while now, but I also don’t believe it. I know that I’m different, but I can’t possibly be that different ya know? Plus, sociopathy is just a word so I actually don’t care I can be whatever I want to be. However, nobody actually knows the real me and it’s a hassle blending in. It’s repetitive. I sometimes get confused with the real me and the facade. I’d talk to someone but it couldn’t possibly benefit me in anyway since I’d be compromising my own image. So I thought I’ll journal online anonymously but for the public to see, so it can be like I’m actually having a genuine conversation that doesn’t involve anything fake.And I guess commentary is cool too.

I refuse to go on any websites like reddit to converse anonymously with the sociopathic community because I’m half almost in denial and also absolutely think that I am better than them.

On here I’ll be true,and real even. I’m very self-aware, at least I like to think so.

I’m 16, so I like to write everything off as a phase until further notice because I hate taking responsibility haha. Also sociopathy can’t be diagnosed until 18, so whatever I’m never getting therapy anyway.
So maybe in a month, I’ll be crying about puppies and rainbows. ( I sort of doubt it).
I have no friends, I get bored easily and most of them sort of got scared of me anyway.That’s a long story.

Point is, how did I get this way? My childhood was devoid of love but it wasn’t traumatic, I was just isolated at a young age and when I say isolated I mean I practically raised myself hahaha. But I was still a very emotional being very very very emotional. I went through depression for a while, tried committing suicide for a while. I find it hilarious now actually.

All my life I’ve never really known how to connect or relate with people. And sometimes, just sometimes I’d act like a monster. But I was still an angsty little teenager who cried about their self-worth and whatever.
And then a few months ago alot of things changed, I actually don’t know where it went wrong.

I’ll explain it as best as I can.
One night, and I cannot remember why (which is the odd part) I believe I subconsciously or purposefully turned off some of my empathy. It was like some part of me got pulled deep deep down and it was really intense and weird. It was like I was opening my eyes for the first time and I did not recognize my surroundings.
But I knew them at the same time.

Truly odd.

It wasn’t numb sadness, it was true emptiness and I slept like a baby that night.
So, I waited for a month because I thought I’d snap back or something. I don’t know.

I didn’t. And out of curiosity I tested myself a lot, I’d steal, I’d manipulate, etc. Just to see how it was.
And it was nothing really, no remorse, no real care. I liked the reward without any consequences, nothing made me happier.

A few more months passed and I was feeling less and less. I recently learned how to switch certain emotions off and on. Like anger, and I’m always angry so I channel that by laughing because its a waste of time.
However, empathy so far is nonexistent.

I’ve read actually that alot of people had the same experiences as me. That everything was fine their empathy was in place and they cried and felt alot of things etc. until they got around my age and everything switched off and they didn’t know why. Few years later they find out they’re sociopaths.
It’s truly different for everyone I guess.

So oh well that’s it. That’s Entry #0.