Random Thoughts in In My World

The words “don’t lose the other one” are going to be ringing in my head for days. I know she’s right but I just can’t make myself take the steps I need to to make it happen.

What if it never does?

I hate unknowns.

How does it always come back to the same two people? Always. Like 4 separate times now.

I want to be the person you need and I want to be the person you want but sometimes I wonder if wed both be better off if I stayed away. Probably.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just stupid and selfish. Maybe that’s why I keep finding what I need in all the wrong people. Or maybe I’m too obsessive with finding ways to fix the holes in my heart and I should just knock it off. Maybe I should just play the part of “good girl” and go from there. No confrontation, no arguing, straight and narrow. Who are we kidding? I have such a high capacity for empathy that that would never work anyway.

Maybe I’m too broken.

Ali changed me in so many ways and some of them scare me. You ever find yourself in the middle of saying something you would have never said? Me too. Too often now. I’m afraid of what I’m capable of and who I’m going to hurt in the process. I don’t know how to stop.

Like sometimes I want to make a life with the people around me and other times I would rather set it all on fire and watch it fade away.

I feel like this should be grouped with the above but I’m giving it it’s own section. I’ve thought a great many thoughts since losing Ali but some of them really scare me. I’ve never been actively suicidal and I’m not now but… sometimes I catch myself thinking something so dark and terrifying I dont know how I came up with it. I havent wanted to act on most of them but theres always a few… I’m worried about me sometimes to be honest. I know I’m fine so I dont want to worry those around me but still. I’m afraid of what it’ll be like when winter comes. With the winter comes cold and depression and I’m so scared. I cling to as much light as I can and I get ink instead of cutting myself.

I am coping. I am coping quite well actually but I cant keep the dark from coming back.

I got off topic.

“Dont lose the other one.” “Dont lose the other one.”
Dont lose the other one… too.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a horrible person because the things I’ve done would really and truly hurt people I care very deeply for. Or maybe I’m only human making human choices and struggling like everyone else.

I’m tired. Maybe I should stream of consciousness everything in my head. Maybe not.

You wanna know the funny part? I’m good today. Like actually good. Last night helped a lot.

Throwing cat toy balls at each other, laying together, laughing and just being safe and content was something I really needed.

This has been random thoughts part (what number are we on now? 785?)

Last updated August 30, 2018