Birds and The Bird Guy and a Port in Everyday Ramblings

  • Feb. 5, 2014, 9:57 a.m.
  • |
  • Public

Just took my recycling out and the bare trees in front were full of goldfinches tittering away. They were high up, just turning into their mating colors so I wasn’t sure if they were Lesser or American’s. This made me smile and I admit, gawk a bit.

Considering that it has been snowing periodically all afternoon makes it all even more cheerful. We are headed for our own mini deep freeze here over the next few days but for now the snow is not sticking.

I’ve had an interesting emotional run of it the last few days. I took some downtime just for me on Saturday and grounded myself for the first time in a good long while. This involved this process that is almost impossible to explain but I think we all know what I am talking about. Dusting the top layer of emotional reactivity off to get to the rich soil beneath.

In my case what is beneath is grief. With Open Diary shutting down and reconnecting with Mr. Fine China I have been introduced to a layer of grief about missing Mr. Finch I had no idea was there. I am glad to have surfaced it and stumbled the better part of my way through it.

The above picture was taken in 2007 just this time of year. I was passing through the neighborhood Mr. Finch was living in when I met him in 1999. He lived up there, in an apartment under the dome of a drafty old Swedish church. The dome was in his kitchen. It is where he moved with a friend from his last stint in Rehab in California. When I met him the friend had already moved out.

What a chance I took on him! I remember asking myself if I had any idea what I was getting into the first time I went over there for dinner. :) And honestly, in the end, I had no real clue.

I do have deep compassion though for those who loved Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Addiction is what it is and it takes those we love away from us far too soon. Although Mr. Finch did relapse twice for brief intervals while I knew him, he decided he wanted to go out clean and sober. That took a lot of guts. And I admire him for it. My young friend Felix (who was a heroin addict and took his life with a planned overdose when I was 19 in the room we shared) chose the same route as the gifted Mr. Hoffman.

It is so incredibly sad. And appears amazingly selfish from the outside. I think those of us who are not addicted to a particular substance have trouble understanding how someone can do what they do. I find it helpful to understand that the addictive substance and the act of addiction has changed their brains and what makes sense to us does not make sense to them.

My sister had her radiation targeting and a PET scan yesterday. It was quite an ordeal. Tomorrow she has her chemo port surgically implanted. The good news on that is that she will have cassettes at home that a visiting nurse will come change for the duration so she doesn’t have to hang out in a clinic, she can be home, it is just the visits for the radiation for at least six weeks. And they will become somewhat routine.

I signed up for a birding class in March today to have something to look forward to besides teaching, which I always enjoy. Of course the all day field trip conflicts with one of my classes so I may need to engage a substitute teacher. That kind of is amazing to me. A sub! Wow.


Lyn February 04, 2014

Glad your dusting has brought you to a better place!

As always, good thoughts for your sister.

I know you will look forward to and enjoy your birding class.

Linda February 04, 2014

I was so sad to learn of PSH's death. It seemed so damned unnecessary.

gypsy spirit February 04, 2014

I am not surprised your grief for Mr Finch has resurfaced.......and it will possibly happen again and again as different losses pass through your life. I find that with those I have loved and lost. Be kind to yourself. I love the word pictures of the goldfinches tittering...... smiles and hugs p

FishTacoLover February 05, 2014

PSH's death caught me off guard. It reminded me that the addict/alcoholics in my life could experience the same sort of relapse, even after years of sobriety. So very sad and scary.

RoseS February 05, 2014

after i read about your class i went looking for one here! Still thinking about them! Sorry about the grief. I hope the more you deal with it, the lighter the load becomes.

noko RoseS ⋅ February 05, 2014

Oh I think you would very much enjoy the Audubon classes.I've never been on one that I didn't get something out of and everybody is so cheerful and supportive. Every once in awhile one gets stuck in a van with someone that talks too much. That is as bad as it gets. :) And they would know about your goose.

edna million February 05, 2014

You've just said it perfectly - "I think those of us who are not addicted to a particular substance have trouble understanding how someone can do what they do". There is just no way to understand that unless you've been though it. It's amazing that Mr. Finch did not relapse, with all he was going through. And no wonder at all that you're feeling his loss lately.

I hope your bit of winter passes quickly. We are having the WEIRDEST weather. The most recent Polar Blast has moved on, but the temperatures have just gone insane. It was around 30 when I went to bed last night -- 48 when I got up-- now at 4:30 it's 34 and snowing. Yesterday was similar. Crazy swings up and down.

seedys February 10, 2014

such advances in treatment and especially nice that Sister doesn't hve to hang out in clinics, though I have read and heard that great friendships are made during treatments as well as fending off isolation and so on with people who are going through the same thing. There is comfort in that no matter what the ailment. I am and will continue to pray for her (and you too while I'm at it!)

woman in the moon February 04, 2023

I saw this in the list of old entries and the goldfinches caught my attention. The (Eastern I believe) gold finch is the Iowa state bird and I am always proud of that choice. They are just so special in so many way.
The wild rose is the state flower. The oak the state tree. I feel like I'm back in grade school.
I hope you're having a good day. What a past we share.

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