"People won't let me break." in Random Public Stuffs

My MRI was rough. They had me situated in an odd position for 20 minutes. The brace was hurting my shoulders and the solid table I had to lay on was not good for my back. I will say the techs were awesome. They wanted to make me as comfortable as possible. I am also thankful to my pain doc for allowing me to have diazepam. It definitely helped me relax. I was able to soldier through the pain and rock out to he station they had playing on the headset. I also didn’t want to have to go back and do it all over again.

I had just enough time to get home and grab a couple sandwiches before heading to therapy.

That is where the title of this entry comes in.

It’s been a life-long habit to take care of everyone else before myself. Lately, I just don’t have the energy to deal with much more, or anything else.

I told my therapist that I had removed the Fakebook app from my phone to help minimize the drama because its the same story all over again: they only get a hold of me when they want something from me.

Of course, now that I have removed myself from the public light, my phone has been quiet. No one has bothered to ask where I am or how I am doing. I still get all the public event invites and message requests for help or asking if I can connect them with someone who can help them.

I starts tearing up in her office and I just stared off into the distance and thought about the events of the past week.

I broke down in the car. I was so angry. I thought about all the items left on my bucket list that I haven’t been able to cross off yet. I probably won’t be able to cross them off. I just cried. Andrew and Jon just hugged me.

My therapist made it worse. She told me that I am a “strong woman and I can overcome so much.”

I just want someone to let me break and let me cry. I am so sick and tired of people telling me that I am not worthy of tears and to feel beaten down. Then those people are the same people who cry around on social media ever single fucking five minutes over shit that is stupid as all hell. I swear, it’s like they don’t want anyone else to be using. It probably interferes with them being in the limelight I guess.

I just want to go to my place in the woods and cry. While I sill have the fucked up idea that letting people se me cry makes me weak, I do know that I have to let it out somehow.

I want to cry and scream. I want to throw shit and break shit.

Then, I want to be able to get some real sleep, restful sleep.

But, I am just fighting through pain.

It just seems like that is what a majority of my life is anymore…

…just pain.