I'm not fine at all. in In My World

Being in this house reminds me of you because I can almost see you sitting there, expressionless. I thought you were mad at me and I never figured out why. I talked and talked and you just let me. Maybe I was projecting. Maybe you were mad. Maybe you were just tired. I never found out. I stood you up the next night because I had been awake for 2 days and I just couldn’t… I wanted to be alone. I stood you up only twice ever in my life. Then and February 1st. I was with momo and I should have told her no. I wanted my plans with you but agreed to go over there first. I should have just told her no. I never got to see you again. I never got to tell you how much I still felt for you. I never got to tell you that the last time you left i got this completely overwhelming urge to kiss you but I couldn’t. God did I want to. I probably would have too if I’d seen you again, if I’m being honest. So much changed so drastically quickly that I saw glimpses of a me I didn’t know existed still… I saw your babygirl.

I miss you so fucking much.

I hate that I’m going to wake up tomorrow and you’ll still be gone. I hate that I’m going to turn 24 and you’re not going to be there. I hate that I’ll be your age. I hate that you’re not here now. I hate that you’ll never be here to call me out on my bullshit again.

I love you so fucking much and most of the time everything feels completely unsafe without you. The rest of the time I’m too numb to care. I remember the numb, numb is what made me walk out into a frozen lake. Numb is scary but not to me.

But the worst part about feeling completely unsafe is that just imagining seeing him again is enough to send me into a panic. Its been almost 5 years and I cant get that moment out of my head. The moment I realized he’d hit me if I didnt get out. The moment months and months of mental and emotional abuse and manipulation became clear to me. The moment I knew I needed to get out. I’ve never told anyone how afraid of him I still am. I’ve never told anyone how much he still effects me. I have one friend who I have to be super careful with because certain mannerisms and things have caused me to have an invasive flashback. And then another caused by a playstation controller. I’ve had nightmares about him. Too many to count. And I miss the friend he was before all this. I miss the charming loving side of him and nothing scares me more than that. When the “maybe he doesn’t hit you” movement started everything started to make sense and talking about abuse still scares me because that would have been me. I know I’m out and “safe” now… but now that you’re not here anymore I feel like it could all happen again. Maybe my brain is just wired wrong, I just cant help but associate things I’m hearing to things that have happened to me. It’s my empathic nature.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I still let him bother me. I’m sorry I still miss him. I’m sorry you had to see how weak I really can be. I’m sorry I’m not a stronger person, even now. I’m sorry I never learned to be more like you. I’m trying so fucking hard.

This stress is killing me. New place, new people, new routines, new everything. I have to help get the house livable, I have to clean, I have to paint, I have to help everyone else get things ready, I have to help with all these projects and I havent even started packing yet. I know things will be better once I actually move, especially because I’ll have friends watching out for me but like damn. And I cant help but think that I would have been moving with you. I’m struggling. I havent had one day to myself in weeks and I’m just…drowning. I’m not eating, I’m barely sleeping and when I do its nightmares galore, I havent showered in weeks (anyone reading this please dont judge me, I’m doing my best), and I have to take one pill or the other to feel normal every day. The only reason I havent had panic attacks every day is because I try to reach out to my friend when it all gets too much but it’s been too much for weeks. I can barely breathe. My anxiety is at an all time high which comes along with constant back pain but I think the worst part is that my headaches are coming back. I havent been this bad in years. Like. 5-7 years.

Alistair, I miss you. I need you so fucking badly right now and I know that’s not fair. I’m just…

…I’m sick of everything being a crisis situation. I’m sick of fighting. Im sick of all this stress.

I know its going to get worse before it gets better but damn I need a break.

I love you so fucking much, Ali. I hate that my stress comes out in the form of missing you on nights like this.

At least I know you’re out there somewhere looking out for me. And I bet you’re proud of me too. Everyone else would see the “suck it up buttercup” side of you but I bet you would hold me close and let me cry it out. I bet you’d let me talk for hours if that’s what it took.

I miss you.

I know this is a song about a breakup but all I can think of is you.