Random Bit of Fluff in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Today I was thinking and considering my last several years.

NOW…

I’ve only been in this “new life” for a little over a month, so that is not at all sufficient time to get the proper most realistic perspective on things.

But that being said....
I haven’t been this happy or comfortable in my life in a LONG long time.

(1) Perhaps that is because of the job
(2) Perhaps that is because I am now not living with my Wife

I don’t know which it is. It might be both. It is tough to say.

That being said, I am still the sexually repressed therefore needy man I’ve always been.

Well… I say sexually but I suppose there is also an emotional component as well… but I can falsely equate one to the other.

I want someone to let me know that… I’m still desirable despite the fact that I haven’t been exercising as much as I should be.

I want someone to surprise me in heels and black stockings because they know that is some crazy cheat code to my libido.

I want someone to text me and engage in libidinous and bawdy conversation.

I want someone to show me that my orgasm matters.

In moments like these, I consider Aoife and Aku. The two women who proved to be the most sexually expressive in my life. Aoife… who was a wreck. Aku… who tried to wreck everything/everyone. And I know that women needn’t be “mental cases” to have healthy sexual appetites and express themselves sexually.... but… it hasn’t really been a thing I’ve seen in the real world.

Sexually expressive, curious, and open to exploration? MASSIVE mental trauma.

And that is something I wish I understood better. Why my world has either been mostly celibate or outright crazy.

Now… I know… sex with my wife hasn’t been that long ago… being separated has, apparently, made her realize that having a sexual relationship with her husband may be an important part of marriage. But… even still… it would be nice if my needs and desires were considered. Or, in the alternative, if my needs and desires could be (at least in some small way) alleviated in other ways.