What's new man? in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I’ve been feeling so tired lately.
Tired like I’ve never felt before…like, I will wake up and it will just hurt…and I’ll have to nap after I get home from work…I’ll go through my entire work day just day-dreaming about falling asleep…my bones ache and it’s hard to lift things.

I would be worried that maybe I was dying or something, except I just went to the doctors not that long ago and they were like, “What the fuck? You’re super healthy!”
Oh…but the doctor was also like, “You’re six pounds overweight” and I was like, “Yeah, that’s all the beer I drink.” And he was like, “How much beer do you drink?” and I was like, “I dunno…like six a night?” and he was like, “GOD DAMN THAT’S A LOT OF BEER!” and then he double checked my results and he was like, “How are you so healthy you fat fuck?”

I thought it was kind of unprofessional for him to call me names like that.
Wait…did he really call me names, or am I just making stuff up?
Sometimes I can’t tell…

…

I’m sitting in my room alone, just drinking wine and writing this and listening to a playlist that was made for me…
All I do anymore is sit in my room alone and drink.
Oh…and I listen to a lot of music.
Lots of drinks and music and loneliness.
That’s me.

I miss Golnar…she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore because she has boundaries and swore she wouldn’t have anymore friends who are alcoholics…and I’m an alcoholic.
But even she admits I’m a weird alcoholic…one time she said, “You’re the only alcoholic I have ever met who drinks a set amount of drinks and stops drinking after a certain time at night…you have a weird amount of control over it.”

And I was like, “Yeah, that’s because I’m not a compulsive addict, I’m self medicating, and I know exactly how much I need to get my desired effect…and I rarely like to feel fucked up.”

Except I didn’t say any of that because I don’t ever feel like explaining myself to anyone anymore…instead I just smiled and said “thank you” or something and then changed the subject to something like, “If this universe is holographic, then aren’t blind people missing the entire point?”

Which isn’t nice to blind people, I guess…but I’m being serious, why would you create this entire holographic universe just to make some people be blind? That’s such a dick move…and it also kind of seems like a waste of energy on the creators part.

Like, if I was going to write a symphony and then I was going to create a bunch of people to hear it, I don’t think I would make any of them deaf.

Maybe that’s just me…maybe I’m just transposing human trains of thought onto a clearly inhuman god.

…

I really don’t feel good…I’m so tired, and hot…and my throat kind of hurts.
What if this is how I die?

Do you ever think about that? Like…if you were to die right now, how would you feel about your life? Would you feel satisfied with the things you’ve done? Would you feel like a good person? Would you be confident to face whatever comes next?

I’ve already been to the other side…and I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to face it.

I don’t think I’ve been a good person.
I feel like I could have done so much more with my life if my brain didn’t hijack me all the time…or if I didn’t have to be medicated all the time.

…

I need a new therapist…as soon as I’m done with school I’m going to go and find a new therapist…I’m going to see if they will help me get off my drugs…I feel like with enough EMDR and a good routine and a change in my diet, and complete sobriety from alcohol, I think I can get off these medications.
I want my creativity back.
I want my sex drive back.
I want to feel things again.

I also just need someone to talk to…someone real…I mean, no offense, I know you’re real…I know I can talk to you, but I need someone who I can sit down with and tell things to and have them be just removed enough from my life that it will be totally safe.

…

Sometimes I want to kill myself because I don’t think life is going to get any better than this.
When I was having my dis-associative episodes at the beginning of the year, I had this one really intense moment where I saw my entire future flash before my eyes, I made it to 63…I died alone in a bed.

I’m so sick of being alone.

I don’t want to be alone for another 30 years…I mean…I’ve resigned to it…I get it, I understand that I’m going to be alone…but I don’t want to be.

I’m afraid when I die I’m going to be alone, too.

I think being alone is my least favorite thing in the entire world…I fucking miss my cat.

…

One of my best friends is in town right now, visiting from H-town Texas.
He’s one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever met…and the two of us made some of the most beautiful music together…some of my favorite songs in the entire world happened because of the two of us…and yeah, I’m fine admitting that I’ve written some of my favorite songs, I wouldn’t have written them if they weren’t something I wanted to hear.

About 13 years ago…maybe 12 years ago…he pawned a bunch of my shit for heroin and ran away to Mexico…it left me absolutely devastated.

I was always more upset over losing him than losing my stuff…even though he pawned a few thousand dollars worth of my stuff for a couple hundred bucks.

Some people think it’s weird that I can forgive him…but I know what being a drug addict is like…I was a drug addict too, we were living in a drug den…I know how you can change into a different person when you’re in the depths of it, and I know that what he did was an act of desperation and not the true actions of who he is…I honestly don’t think there’s anything he would ever be able to do that would stop me from loving him.

I’m going to meet his son for the first time, and I’m super nervous about it…which I feel like is probably a weird reaction to meeting a kid…but I feel like it’s such a big deal, and I feel weird for missing out on so many years of his life.

I don’t like growing up and getting older…I don’t like this process at all.
I wish I could have just frozen time at 19 years old and lived there forever…I think that was the best year of my entire life.

…

Anyway…I should probably do something else, I feel like I’ve written a lot, and I feel like I’ve written a lot about nothing, and I feel like if I keep going right now it’s just going to start spiraling into some REALLY depressing shit.

Maybe I should try to reach out to a human that can talk back to me.
Maybe I should read something.
Maybe I should drink more and smoke some wax.
Maybe I should eat something.
Maybe I should go to sleep.
…maybe I should take a walk.

Maybe I…maybe I…maybe I…maybe I…

I love you.
Thanks, for everything.
You mean a lot to me, especially lately…you’ve really helped me get through each day.
That means everything.
Every day is something to get through.
YAY LIFE!
-Dane