Shame. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

My baby sister came to visit…I live with my parents right now because I made a giant mess of my life and I am trying to clean it up…so she didn’t come visit me…she didn’t really come visit our parents…she mostly came to just visit California because she moved to Utah for school.

I spent very little time with her.
I feel bad about it.
I know she noticed.
I know my parents noticed.

My sister came with her boyfriend and another couple…and one night they went to go eat at The Old Spaghetti Factory in Newport Beach…and I should have wanted to go with them…my dad even asked, “Do you feel unwelcome?”

It’s like, “Yeah dude…I actually do feel very unwelcome…it’s going to be three couples and then the weird brother who is living at home in his 30’s because he’s a fuckup? How exactly would and should I be welcome at this party?”

I don’t know if anyone gets it though…like…maybe I shouldn’t feel this way?

But, truthfully…here are these four people in my house who are all in their 20’s and all way more successful than I am…and how am I not supposed to feel “less than”?

It’s my bad for wanting to live life as an artist…
…or is it my parents fault for encouraging me to be an artist and go to art school and live my dreams?

I wish they would have told me my dreams were stupid.

I wish someone would have told me my dreams were stupid.

I mean…I know they weren’t stupid…my music and my art has reached a lot of people, and impacted a lot of life’s…(not a lot, but like…a few thousand…and what’s that in the grand scheme of things? Nothing) …I know I’ve saved a life or two because I’ve gotten some E-mails and made some life long friends…but still…wanting to be an artist is like wanting to be the president…someone should be like, “Listen, little kid…your chances are super slim, maybe you should look for something that will help you support yourself at some point because women won’t take you seriously after a certain age if you can’t fucking support yourself!”

And isn’t that the fuck of it all?

I’m almost done with my course now…and I’m already looking for some software engineering jobs…I saw one the other day that pays $110K a year and it’s at a fucking dispensary.

I might be able to take care of myself VERY comfortably in the next few years just because I’m a fucking genius who figured out how to code even after all the drugs and alcohol that I’ve experienced…because this brain just won’t quit ever…which is why I’ve had all the drugs and alcohol.

…

Isn’t life so dumb?
Like…I’m sitting here, judging myself on how well I can make money as if that is something that’s important…and I’m sitting here, judging myself on wanting to make art as if that’s something that isn’t important?

Life is so dumb…I swear to god.

…

I feel like I’ve gotten over being lonely.
I’m okay just dying alone now.
I think the best part about the idea is that loneliness will actually kill you faster.
So I can kill two birds with two stones.
I can just live out the rest of my miserable days being a miserable piece of shit…AND I can die faster!
WIN WIN!

Good for me!
YAY!
I wish I could hug myself right now....but not in like, “I need a hug” sort of way, because fuck that shit…I don’t need a hug from anyone, ESPECIALLY not myself.

…

Anyway…I think I’m done for the night.
I don’t feel so good all of the sudden.
I think I need to be alone.
I still love you.
Sorry for all the bullshit.
Thanks for hanging in there.
I’ll talk at you soon.
-Dane