he's a good guy. but he's not perfect. and frustrated. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done. may 13, 2014 in Evan

‘ I know I should be more understanding. But, I’m currently not.

So last night Evan phoned me when he was drunk. And then I phoned him and he said he was going to take sleeping pills. And, I believe him.

I don’t know how he’s doing or even if he is. doing. I don’t even know if he knew what brand of sleeping pills. or how many he took.

I was up until 3 a.m. this morning which I sometimes am, regardless. Worried. I sent Muriel a message asking her to phone him. I emailed the Samaritans and they weren’t much help. Understanding but a bit formal. I don’t have his mom’s number. I don’t have his mom’s or landlord’s number and the friends he’s mentioned I don’t know them don’t have their contact info. He’s not v. social.

I was thinking of phoning the cops but I don’t know his address and I don’t think there’s anything they could’ve done if I don’t know the address.

And I’m not allowed to visit him, so. I did all I could do without actually being there.

He’s all ‘I don’t have resources’ w/e that means. Yeah I know he has depression but omygod would you get your life together? how long do I have to fukin wait for this. I’m so damn frustrated.

I’ve started getting mine together since last Sept. which was when I started writing.

I texted him and told him not to call me. I’m angry w/ him. And the thing is. he needs help I can’t give him. It doesn’t mean he’ll take it or that it’ll happen. it just means. And yeah a small part of that is me writing him off bc I’m angry. and tired. I’m tired of being paranoid my mom’s going to know we’ve been in contact. which is actually why I bought a new phone. but I’m short on mins., so. I’m tired of waiting for him.

So then why haven’t we completely cut off contact for more than 2.5 months. bc I always fukin cave. bc apparently i’m not that strong. bc I want control. bc I’m trying to hold onto the 1 thing I still have from that part of my life. which is why I don’t have friends in Aurora bc if I did then I wouldn’t be in contact w/ him as much. which is actually exactly what I should be doing. [and also then yes I wouldn’t be so tired/annoyed/paranoid but then it’d be boring which I also don’t like]. ‘