Open To All in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I’m wondering if I’m a dick.

So… honestly, truthfully… my wife and I are separated and going to Marriage Counseling.

This is known.

Today, my Wife had an appointment to figure out if “ADHD” is all she had or if she may have OCD or OCPD. She is fairly convinced that she has OCPD.

Me? I just want her better. The woman is quite literally trapped in her head. She tortures herself with her self-focus. It is… well… I write better in fantasy and sci fi. It is like a spell placed on her where she literally can NOT see the world outside of herself. She’s forced to be self-focused and it tortures her. I’ve seen it. It is rough. Not… woman trying to kill me rough… and this is where my father would say the following:

“Son, you always pick women that you are attracted to. That is obvious. But what you are attracted to is a woman that needs help of some kind. YOU want to be helpful, to be needed, and to be the kind of person that can help them be better. But you don’t focus on yourself enough.”

And he’s right. But with Wife? It is the first time I’ve found someone whose issues fit my own. Dark lol. Y’see… before… I’ve dated women that were selfish or independent or self-confident or self-focused. But the three that REALLY matter in my history? Aku, Aoife, Wife. Aku was literally psychotic and tried to kill me. Aoife was… not to make light of it but “suicidal ideation short of perfect” (in this case meaning… if she wasn’t so keen on her own death, we would have been the perfect couple). Then there’s Wife. A woman who, at a rare moment of pure realization, said to me “I spent the entire afternoon focused on someone else… and it was so FREEING! Seriously! Not focusing on myself, not obsessively worrying about myself, even for an afternoon was so.... it was like a deep breath of fresh air.” So that’s what is going on with her.

Here’s why I’m writing: (Granted… slightly inebriated and stressed/exhausted/emotionally drained from work)

(1) Item 1: Our marriage counselor suggested that “to re-situate our perspective” we should say Thank You to each other every day.
NOW… we no longer live together. SO… how do you say thank you every day? WELL… I, for one, have found a way to do it every day. I’ll text my Wife before 9 p.m to say things like “Thank you for being so organized and keeping our life tidy.” or “Thank you for being my partner; I know sometimes it isn’t easy.” Meanwhile… after I text my Wife… it usually takes up to 3 to 4 hours for her to text back. AND the most meaningful return text was “Thanks for being you. I know it is lame, but I mean it. And I’m tired.”
So… that’s an issue.

(2) BUT the part I wanted to bring focus to.... because this is a “Maybe I’m dropping the ball” moment:
My wife had an important Psych Appointment today where she was going to talk to a new person to discover if she may have something more serious than merely ADHD. She was nervous about it. These are things I am aware of.
I did not call her tonight to check on her.

This is why I wonder if I’m in the wrong… and also why I think all of my ex-girlfriends are bitches.

Allow me to explain:

All of my ex-girlfriends decided that my “Did I do something wrong? How can I be a better boyfriend?” was annoying and bullshit. They all wanted a “man that gets me without having to ask!” Well, surprise surprise… what most of them ended up with was a man that actively just didn’t care. If “I see you’re upset. Why are you upset and what can I do to help?” pisses you off than… apparently “Stop crying. Go hang out with your friends and take the baby!!!!” is more acceptable.
Okay… that isn’t fair. That’s just Thompson. BUT Christ! I know I don’t talk about Thompson much but… hand to God… I thought she was THE ONE. And… she did NOT treat me well!!!!!! Like.... AT ALL! Which… in hindsight.... means I should be asking myself some important self-reflective questions.

ANYWAY..........................................

After a very long day at work (seriously.... 5 am to 6 pm.... August and subsequent months are going to be BUSY!)........ I came home and texted her my “Daily Thank YOU.”

She has yet to respond.

So I think, “Okay. She had a super important Doctor’s Appointment today. Maybe she’s just processing that.” Then I think, “See, you ass! You knew about that! Why not call her?! Ask her how that went?!” BUT then I think, “No. Now YOU are being an ass! If she wanted to talk about it, she’d have called YOU!”

So that’s going on in my head. AND meanwhile… I can’t help but acknowledge my feelings.... right or wrong.

(1) I’m a little hurt that it always takes Wife hours and hours to text a “thank you” back.
(2) I’m even more hurt that it rarely reflects any genuine thought or contemplation.
(3) I’m wondering and feeling guilt/shame about not calling her to ask about her appointment
(4) I’m feeling a little angry and upset at the fact that she didn’t call me to tell me about her appointment

So… that’s where I am emotionally tonight.

Likely going to Jury Trial over 2 different men who beat the ever loving SHIT out of their loved ones… and not certain if my loved one even acknowledges my emotions.

PRE NOTE WARNING
While I have gone mostly “friends only” I have posted this publicly. That being said, any comments remarking at my “weakness” my “beta male-ness” or my “submissiveness” will not be respected or responded to. What may or may not be obvious to some people is that every individual has only so much fight in them. I typically reserve my fight* for my profession. Because as shitty as my marriage can be (sometimes)… I’d rather use my fight energy to go after the dude/dudette that is literally pummeling their spouse/children.

OR as one lawyer said it, “People ask why I’m so docile at home. Those people never see me in court. I can put up with anything at home because I love my wife and children. I put up with very little in the courtroom because I respect justice and the law!”

(just for fun)