Fun...gus in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

Last night I spent a lot of time really thinking about my life…I mean, I spent a lot of time just dissecting that shit…pulling it apart…putting it back together again…watching the way it worked, and the ways it didn’t work.

I spent a lot of time analyzing that shit…

I must have not come to enough conclusions, though.

I talked to some near and dear friends…I drank maybe a little too much…and then I got to this point where I was just like, “You know what? Let’s just see how deep this rabbit-hole goes.”

I ended up grabbing a handful of mushrooms and eating them all in one shot…I chewed a few times and then washed them all down with some water…and I hadn’t eaten anything in hours, so they hit me fast.

I began to walk…I decided to put on one of the most influential albums of my entire life: The Mars Volta “Deloused In The Comatorium.”

At first it was just trippy enough to be listening to an album that I haven’t listened to in years, but was such a huge part of my life…and as I walked every note got a little bit weirder with every step I took.

I remember coming to one point in the album where I had this deep sensation of “I recognize this song…I’ve heard it a thousand times before…but I don’t ever remember it sounding like this.” And I could hear an acoustic guitar and an electric guitar working in tandem with one another…in perfect harmony…yet there was this discord that was unsettling to say the least…

I ended up making it three quarters of the way through the album (to my favorite song) before I ended up having to change it because the music was just getting to be too chaotic for the headspace I was entering.

I walked for hours…seriously…I walked for hours.

I ended up changing the album to this secret mushroom band that I listen to when I’m on mushrooms…and it made everything just as weird and all encompassing as it always makes everything.

I stumbled down this trail as my surroundings turned into story book paintings…I looked down at the ground, and the ground was a rushing river…I was standing on cement, but it was all rushing at me and through me and past me like a river.

I got passed by all sorts of people…there were a lot of people out walking from probably 10pm to about 12:30 am…I was actually surprised…and I was also surprised at how openly I accepted these people into my space.

It was so amusing to me…here I was, stumbling along this path, tripping my balls of, with headphones in…listening to mind bending music…seeing some of the most beautiful and surreal landscapes I have ever seen…landscapes I have seen a hundred times in my normal waking life, but right now it seemed as though I was walking through a living oil painting…or a children’s book…and then these people would pass me…and they would go about their life as if I didn’t even matter at all…

…at one point these two girls passed me, and I felt their sense of worry and panic…I knew it was just because I was a lone male walking around at night and they were two women…I knew that being a man in the dark is a scary thing…and I began to laugh to myself because they have no idea what wave length I’m on.

It’s so funny…usually I go into mushrooms with some very serious intention…I usually go into it looking for something…but this time I didn’t.

This time I just grabbed a handful and had this “fuck it” mentality…like, “let’s see where this shit takes me!”

And it took me to the most beautiful places.

Several times while I was walking, I got the distinct impression that there were people behind me, and I would turn around to look, and I would catch a brief glimpse of someone, or someone’s behind me…I would actually see them, and they would disappear in an instant…and I knew they were the “people” who are always behind me…always looking out for me.

It was kind of scary if I let my paranoia get to me…but I remembered who I am and what they were, and it always ended up being a comforting thing.

It’s actually kind of crazy how many times I had the distinct impression that I was walking with someone else…I never felt alone my entire walk, and I must have walked for five hours.

I didn’t have any giant breakthroughs…no insightful revelations…I just had a beautiful experience…and I’m honestly, truthfully grateful for that…I think it was exactly what I needed.

It definitely made me take a good, hard, long look at my drinking.

I’m not a regular alcoholic…I’m not a compulsive drinker…I don’t have to wake up and take a drink…I don’t get physically dependent…but holy shit, I drink most nights…and I do it intentionally, to kill the noise in my head…and it’s starting to get old…I’m starting to wonder if I just need to accept the noise in my head as part of my life…as part of who I am…maybe I need to lean into it and embrace it and find a way to turn it into something positive.

I was talking to my mom tonight about my drinking and she was like, “Well, you can’t function when you’re drinking.”

I was like, “Mom…I’ve had the same job for a year and a half, and everyone likes me where I work, I’ve never missed a shift or been late, and I have a B+ in the hardest class I’ve ever taken in my entire life…how exactly am I not functioning?”

And she was kind of like, “Okay, well I guess you’re functioning…so what’s your big problem with drinking?”

And that was a whole new thing because it’s like…what the fuck is my problem with the way I drink?

I think I’m just embarrassed by it.
I’m embarrassed by the amount of medications I have to take just to survive.
I’m embarrassed by how weak I am.

I wish I was strong enough to be completely sober…I wish I was strong enough to be off my meds…I guess I just wish I wasn’t crazy.

Is that so much to ask?

I doubt it…I mean, for most people…but then you sit and you take a really good, long, hard look at your life and it’s like, “Yeah, Dane, that is too much to ask…because guess what? You ARE crazy, and it’s not like a passing phase…it’s not something that’s going to go away…it’s not an act, it’s not a cry for help, it’s not a behavior that can be corrected…you actually just have a brain that works differently from 97.4% of the rest of earth’s population, and the rest of everybody has decided to label the way your brain works as ‘Crazy’ so…you know…yeah, it’s too much to ask to wish you weren’t crazy my dude…it’s just too much, because you ARE crazy.”

So…I guess that’s where I’m at right now.
I’m trying to just be okay with being crazy.
People have done harder things.
And…when you start to get down to it…most geniuses are crazy.

I mean…I’m not saying that just because I’m crazy I’m a genius.

I actually took an IQ test and they found out I was a genius WAY before they decided I was crazy.

The funny thing about being a genius though? It doesn’t fucking help you AT ALL in this society.

The school system isn’t set up to handle geniuses…it’s set up to program unremarkable people into being unremarkable workers for capitalism.
drones.
pawns.

Here…memorize a bunch of information and then repeat it back to me, and if you can repeat it back to me then you pass and you are a successful little drone.

At no point do they teach you how to think or fend for yourself.
That’s just not important.

But…then again…nothing is actually very important.

Isn’t that the biggest joke of them all?

Good luck with that one.

…

anyway…I can’t even remember what I’m trying to talk about anymore, I feel like I got so sidetracked.

I’m just trying to keep up.
That’s all.

I’m just trying to do the best I can, and be the nicest most loving person I can.
I’m just trying to be something that makes the world a better place.

I think a lot of people don’t see that…and I’ve come to a point where those people can actually just go fuck themselves.

This isn’t about you.
Or you.
or you.

I’m doing this for me.

I only have room anymore for people who can see who and what I am.

I need to start protecting myself better.

I’m doing a great fucking job…I am killing it right now with the tools I’ve been given.

I can’t wait to see Wesley next Monday.

…

I love you.
I’m sorry I was being such a bitch these last few days.
I know you get it.
…you weren’t being very fun to be around yourself.
I still love you, though.
regardless.
You don’t need to be fun.
Just be you.
Do you.
you.
-Dane