More mushrooms in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

So last night I ate about double what I did on Tuesday…I was expecting more of a trip, but it ended up being super mellow as far as visuals go…it was just a bit of a body high and then EXTREMELY mental.

I felt my mind open up completely.

I took a walk in the dark…walked through my neighborhood to this trail that I ride my bike on, it’s mostly secluded and full of grass and trees, there’s a tunnel, some weird wood pillars that look like grave markings…a bridge that goes over a pretty busy main street…all the sprinklers were on and the moon looked like it was full…I think I could see Mars as well…I don’t know though, there was just some super bright shining red light in the sky slightly under the moon and I just figured it was Mars.

I was listening to some new music that Golnar had shown me, and it was pretty intense stuff…really soothing, but super trippy, and the woman’s voice was beautiful, and all of the words she was singing were matching the whole mushroom brain train of thought that I was on.

At one point, I came to the realization that I’m terrified of myself.
I realized that I’m not happy with who I am on these medications…I feel like they’ve stripped so much of my personality away from me…they’ve drained me of my creativity, drained me of my sex drive, and made me complacent with living a regular boring bullshit adult life.

The fuck of it all is, that I also realized I’m too scared to not take these medications…I had all these floods of memories about who I used to be and the things I have done.

Suddenly, I started rapidly cycling through all of the horrible things I’ve done…the things I don’t think I can ever be forgiven for…the things that almost guarantee that I am going to be doing another tour of earth after I die…

…that’s when I started getting really emotional…and suddenly all of my loneliness began to make sense, I had this knowledge that I deserved it.

I deserved to have Lauren leave me…I deserved to have Sadie run away.

And I started crying…just for a second…walking in the dark, listening to this beautiful music, my mind open, my soul open, feeling the energy of the universe…crying in the dark…

I almost started feeling sorry for myself, but I wouldn’t let that happen…I did my best to retain control of my emotions, and reign it in.

So…now what?

Now I know that I’m scared of myself…now I know how much I hate the things I’ve done to hurt people…it shattered this illusion that I’m a good person…I’ve been working so hard for the last six years to become something better, and lately I’ve cultivated this image of myself that I’m a kind and loving person…fuck, even everyone at work thinks I’m the nicest guy in the world…but that all went down the drain last night.

So…who am I?

Am I the sum of my actions? Because, if so, I’m a monster.

Or…am I who I am now, in the moment?

My mom always says that when you die, it’s not about where you’ve been or what you’ve done, it’s all about the direction you’re facing.

That’s a comforting thought…but is it the truth?

As per usual, my trip has left me with more questions than answers…

What do you think?
Am I the man that I’ve been working so hard to become? A nice person? A loving person?
Or am I a monster?

Maybe I should go off my meds and find out?

It kind of feels like being on meds is cheating…

hmm.

anyway…

I should probably eat something, and go to the bank, and get some coffee and go to study group and work on homework and do all of the things that I’m supposed to be doing to be a functional member of society…because that’s what I do now.

Thanks for listening.
I hope your day is going well.
I hope you had a great night last night.
Remember, you can always come to me if you need to talk…I’ll listen.
I love you.
-Dane