They say it's PTSD. Silly. in My Fucking Feelings

Sometimes I just want to turn the world off for a while. I sit here thinking of you. I’ve meticulously absorbed myself in video games to keep those thoughts away but they always return.

There are times when I feel pretty good and I think my life is going well. I think maybe I’m finally ready to move on. Then night comes and there you are again. I find myself still crying and begging your forgiveness. I try to explain myself to the stale air around me. But you arent there to hear my grief, my remorse. You arent there to count each tear.

I imagine we are friends again and we are happy, making jokes and such, but then that look always comes across your face and you walk away. And it hurts. I remember too. Sometimes I wonder if it’d be better if I didnt. But I asked for this, and now I remember. I wish there were something I could do, anything, to make you understand, to make it all go away.

And I cry hysterically and shake and pull my hair out and people ask what can they do to help, they ask what I need. My helpless response is always the same:

I just want my friend back.

Hopeless. They can’t give me that can they?
Always wanting the one thing I can’t have.
Silly girl.
Love you J.
Hope you are still well.