The King is Dead in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I mean, maybe he’s not dead…maybe he’s just sleeping…I don’t know.
I don’t know anything.
I just believe.

I finally decided to stop drinking…it’s finally time.

I woke up today feeling a lot better than I have in a long time…still don’t really have my appetite back or anything, but it was nice to wake up without either a hangover or that cloud of grogginess that comes with a night of drinking.

Now, this time let’s see if I can stick with it.
Last time I made it like…what…three months?
Not a bad run, but not a great run…towards the end of the 3 months I got really desperate because of the dis-associative episodes and the restless leg syndrome…the two of those in combination were basically making every night a waking nightmare.

But my Psychiatrist prescribed me something that is supposed to help with the anxiety and dis-association, and my doctor told me that it will actually help with my restless leg syndrome as well, so that’s nice…maybe I can go a little bit farther than three months this time.

Whenever I talk about things in future-tense I always get this feeling like I’m being totally foolish…like, I start to think of three months out into the future and it’s like, “What’s even the point?” I don’t even know if I’ll be alive three months from now.
Making plans is so weird.

It’s like in this course I’m in for school…maybe when I get done with it I’ll get a job, maybe I won’t, maybe I’ll get in a car crash and die immediately after getting my certificate? You just really have no idea.
I guess that’s why I was okay with spending the money on it that I did…part of me doesn’t think I’ll ever live long enough to pay it back anyway.

…I really don’t know if I’ll be able to find a job after this though…I mean, I don’t have a degree, I don’t even have an associates, and I’m going to get this certificate which will be cool, but I’ve also gotten to a point in this class where I feel completely overwhelmed and lost and I’m starting to have these thoughts like maybe I’m not going to pass…maybe I won’t get my certificate.

Plus, yesterday in class our instructor started talking about how NOTHING in the database ever gets deleted, everything you put on the internet is there to stay forever until every server and database in the world finally collapses…but so many servers have back up servers and databases have backup databases…and not just like, one or two backups…I think Facebook has something like 400 databases all backing one another.

And then our instructor started to talk about how employers will go and look at your facebook before hiring you, and even if you deactivate your account or delete certain comments they can still pay a service something like $100 to scrape and retrieve that data anyway…
…so I’m sitting here thinking, “I’m fucked.”

My facebook is pretty out there.

I mean, it’s mostly just memes and jokes…but it’s pretty far out there…it’s probably a lot more honest than anyone should be on facebook.

So…I’m thinking I’m going to deactivate my current facebook and start a “professional” facebook page…that’s going to be a whole ordeal, isn’t it? Jesus.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway…

…I’m off the sauce for now.
Hopefully for longer than just “for now”.

Now I’m going to study and do some homework and maybe go to the beach later tonight.
the end.

Thanks for never leaving me…it seems like everyone else has lately.
Golnar almost left even…I was being a shit-show though and I Deserved it.
But she didn’t…and I guess Deanne didn’t leave me…
And, of course, you haven’t left.
I appreciate that so much.
I love you so much.
-Dane