This morning's attempt to be ok in Second 1st

Made it TO work this morning. That should count for something, right?..... I was feeling bad when I left but wasn’t getting motion sick from the drive. It did however start setting in when I got out of the car. I quickly took some Over the counter motion sickness medicine that doesn’t make me sleepy. ..... but seems like it was too little too late? or wouldn’t have helped anyways. Just before the morning meeting started I told the boss I wouldn’t be able to do it today and that I was leaving.........I don’t even care what happened to them after that.... this shit is stupid. I was pretty okay yesterday.... home… doing homey stuff.... I don’t get it.

I turned away from his desk and William was right there “You okay Jen?” as I kinda stumbled backwards into the fridge. “No. I’m leaving. I’m dizzy as fuck. I really tried today William, I really tried.” “I know. Text me when you get home okay?”

As I was leaving Kevin (he’s playing night shift supervisor right now) asked if I was okay I said no and didn’t stop leaving..... Jeanie “It’s you and me today.” me “Not today. I can’t do this today” and headed for the door. Christine a new girl was practically walking with me in that direction and I had started to cry because I WANT TO WORK, really. She put lavender oil on my hand and said “Calm down it will be okay. Be safe.” This while walking.... I did not stop. I made it to my car. I sat in my car a good ten mins still and quiet.... still and quiet..... I heard the gate clang like a cannon when the first night shifter started coming out. i knew it was only going to get worse and the dizzy had subsided enough to drive. So I came home.

I went a bit of a back way and had to pull into an unfinished subdivision road. That didn’t last near as long but the simple fact is i only live less than 15 mins from work. I wasn’t okay for 15 mins......

I’ve been doing great with the low sodium..... no caffine.... no alcohol .... seriously have no idea why.... why am I suddenly not okay and HOW am I going to BE better in the morning for my regular shift. HOW DO I DO THIS THING CALLED LIFE NOW..... Now that the world has it’s new instructions to fuck with my head.