I Know I Said No Weekend Entry in meh...

I’m not comfortable with this anxiety I’ve been feeling in my first month of 44. I’ve had more of it and I’m guessing that’s what it is. A feeling of nervousness to the extreme (for me). I don’t know.

What brought me here this morning is that I met someone through RJ and she is sweet. She came out to karaoke for my birthday and I’ve attended her birthday gatherings as well. So she invited me to shenanigans for the next two Saturdays. I think I’m only going to go to this one.

As you may know, RJ basically dumped me because I don’t have a car. I stopped getting invited if it meant I had to be picked up and dropped off and it also turned into meet me there or halfway. I’ve been searching myself to see if anything else attributed to why she dumped me like that and I’ve really been looking. She don’t like to talk about shit like that and she sure as hell don’t keep in touch. I’m not going to try if I’m not wanted. So that’s that.

Anyway, tonight there will be a get together at a pool hall. I think it’s going to be awkward as fuck. The chick that has basically taken my place is going to be there (Birthday Girl, RJ, “Bobbi” went out last night). I’ve had a chance to hang out with her and I know one night in particular, I wasn’t on my best behavior. It had nothing to do with her. I think it was the foolishness of the crowd. She is cool people.

There has been a lot of stuff that’s gone down even within the span of 3 weeks that I’ve not been able to record…::smh::

I’m trying to go back to sleep when this thought hit me. The three of them went out, this is who I was curbed for and now we all going to converge in the same place. I can already see it being me over here and everyone else mingling. I’m not good at awkward shit where I feel out of place. I don’t like being labeled as antisocial when I’m really just not good at small talk and socially awkward, but to hang and try to pretend my feelings aren’t still hurt, it’s gonna be awkward anyway. I usually stay away from stuff like this, but this ain’t about me, it’s about celebrating Birthday Girl.

I think I feel some kind of way all the time because I want this shit resolved and RJ don’t do other people’s hurt feelings.

I keep trying to roll with it and accept that it won’t be because if this fact, but that’s like burying a body in a shallow grave. It will resurface. That’s what tonight is. A resurfacing of sorts. I will play nice. I often do.

Some people tend to say I’m deceitful. Sometimes, for the sake of others I have to be. When I’m ready to resolve shit I’m the only one at the table. Other times, it’s neither the time nor place. So again, I have to act like nothing is wrong. It bothers me, but the other party don’t ever care.

If this is a part of dead wood being trimmed out of my life, that’s fine, but I would like some finality to it. A resolution.

There are layers with any relationship. Friendship or otherwise. Friends go through shit when they’re connected, or think they are anyway. You work that shit out without the marriage counselling. LOL

It’s sad. I’m in tune and on track with a lot of stuff, but never get to put any of it to use because those around me don’t stick to the script. Lol

Ok. I feel a little bit better. Going to try and go back to sleep. I have a full day.

That’s all I got…laters.

Kindest regards,
Sister

Last updated July 14, 2018