"May I Never Be Complete" (April 14, 2013) in Old OD Entries

• WARNING: The contents of this diary entry may bring about some very depressing existential thoughts. If you value your happiness level at this time do not read the following. You have been warned.

My friends all went home for the weekend.

I got some work done yesterday...I caught up on my history notes and finished my take home quiz.

Last night was the worst. I couldn't sleep. I turned out the lights and TV at about 3 in the morning and tried every single position possible. I tossed and turned for about an hour until I gave up.

I turned on the TV and watched a movie. After it ended I tried again. I turned out the lights and at around 6 a.m. I finally got to sleep. I got up at 1 p.m. and took a shower. I didn't have any other homework or anyone to hang out with. I just had nothing to do.

Being bored and alone really brings out the worst thoughts in me. I start thinking about things that are going on around me. And of course being the person I am it goes to the negative. I try not to be so be so negative but eh it happens.

For some reason my thoughts brought me to the question of why do most of the people in this world agonize over the things that they don't have. Why do we feel that what we have is never good enough. We just always want more. For some of us, we think that these conquered desires will make us feel better about ourselves...that we have accomplished something...that we are significant. Do most of us use these material things as a way of compensation? Do we believe (or hope) that that faster car or those designer labels on our clothes will make up for the fact that we are not so happy or bring us acceptance from others?

I am guilty of this in some aspect. I have wanted more. I never remind myself of what I do have to be thankful for, but rather what I don't have. I wish I didn't.

Are we a greedy species? Are we always going to want more? Will this hunger for what we don't have ever cease?

If we as a people can never be satisfied or fulfilled can we really call ourselves happy? Especially if what we are striving to attain are the wrong things; believing that they will somehow make us happy. If we continue to define ourselves by our possessions are we destined for failure? Will we die as just another person who never achieved anything worthwhile. What is worth working or feeling for in this world? How is one to know? When will we be enlightened?

Desire will be the emotional death of most people. Those always having the bitter taste of being less than satisfied. Our desires are the drive behind our lives...are we living in the pursuit of happiness or are we living for the materials that we feel will make us whole?

The Buddhists have four noble truths. The second, being the belief that our attachment to the physical things of this world are the causes of our suffering. After my big debate with myself I'm thinking that they may be on to something.

Another thing to consider is our society. It steers us to believe that we must look a certain way and have certain things in order to be happy. From the first time we go out into this world we are conditioned to believe this. We will forever be exposed to this. Will we just continue to be a product of the society that we have created? Are we our own worst enemy?

When I look at that thin supermodel I never ask myself is she happy, I think..."Of course she is happy...she has it all." How sad of a thought is that? Is this really what I believe or is it something I have been programmed to believe? What exactly does having it all entail? Who are the ones who have it all and do they feel as though they have made it? Do their possessions and looks give them something that we will never have? Is it really true that there is nothing in this world to hope for but material gain? If not, what do we have to look forward to in this life?

I don't have the answers to these questions at all. I probably never will. Just ramblings as the result of a lonely Sunday afternoon. I really need to stop thinking sometimes...I just depress myself.

I should get a new hobby.