Still sick... in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I need to make some huge changes in my life…it’s been a long time coming, and it’s coming.

Golnar has been bringing up that I need to stop drinking…plus, there is this…angel or something that’s also telling me the same thing.

It’s time to face my biggest fear…and that fear is simply existing.

I hate everything about this existence.

Today I have been freaked out by almost everything that has happened to me…every interaction that I’ve had with a human, every song that I’ve heard, every bite of food that I’ve taken, every show I’ve tried to watch or article I’ve tried to read…it’s all the same thing, I have this intense and bizarre realization that I’m just experiencing myself subjectively somehow, and it makes this whole thing seem so…pointless.

Like…maybe I get it now and I don’t need to be here anymore…like, when you finish a test but class isn’t over so it’s just time for silent reading or something…because you can’t go home yet…because your home doesn’t actually exist anymore.

I don’t know…if I was allowed to kill myself, I would do it tonight…tonight seems like the perfect night for it. I don’t feel any comfort or attachment to anything that’s going on around me at the moment…I could step out for cigarettes and just never come back again…and people would notice, and it would be hard for them…but they would get over it.

Right?

I mean…I don’t actually know…the only reason I don’t do it is because of everyone it might affect. I don’t want to do that to anyone.

I also promised my mom that I wouldn’t kill myself as long as she’s alive…and I do intend on keeping that promise.

…it’s just hard…it’s really hard.

I spend at least 80% of my waking life wishing I could crawl out of my skin and leave all of this shit behind…this anxiety, this depression…the insanity of seeing sentient beings that don’t exist, and telepathically hearing the things they have to say to me…hahaha, just kidding…the beings exist. I know they exist.

I spend about 80% of my sleeping life wishing the same shit…most of my dreams are pretty horrible, and I consider dreaming just as relevant as being “awake”. I actually don’t see much of a difference at all except that when I’m asleep I have a much greater grasp of the way physics work.

…

I spend so much of my time in my dreams just impressing people and freaking people out with my ability to fly, and I keep trying to teach them how to fly but they’re stupid or stubborn or both.

…

Anyway, I thought I had more to write about…I was sitting in class and daydreaming about this moment where I could come and write my thoughts down, but now that I’m here it’s just all a bunch of doom and gloom bullshit, isn’t it?

I guess I should probably end it here…

…I just miss so many people lately.

I really do want to kill myself.
I want to shoot myself in the head.
I think that would be the only way I could do without having enough time to find regrets.

…but I won’t.

I promised my mom, right?

Thanks…just for listening.
That’s really all I need, is just someone to listen sometimes.
I love you.
I’ll talk to you soon.
-Dane