7-7-\-\\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\ in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Here’s a Saturday!
I told my wife today “You don’t care enough about me to hate me. Hate comes from caring about someone and those feeling turning. You don’t care enough about me to have feelings that would turn.”

Allow me to give some perspective. I have rejoined the world of Prosecution. That means that I see the absolute worst of humanity DAILY. Especially considering that my boss doesn’t want to deal with the truly ugly. Therefore, my response is “I can take it.” He doesn’t want to deal with Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, or Animal Abuse.... so that is what MY job will be. Dealing with that dark and terrible shit. And Friday morning was… plenty of it. Abused kids, murdered pets, really dark and evil stuff.

I texted my wife that I was dealing with “Dark and Awful things like child abuse and animal abuse” to which she responded “That’s awful.” So… I dealt with stories of dogs being chopped up into pieces, baby kittens being abused to death, and children being imprisoned and tortured to near-death. Then I started driving home to see my Wife and meet up with friends that I hadn’t seen in 6 years!

On my drive, Wife calls me. I told her I’d be arriving at 6… so being called at 5 was a surprise. Was it my wife calling to make me feel better after a rough day? Hell no. It was my wife calling to complain that I wasn’t at the “function with my friends yet.” So… people that love us and are excited to see us… Wife is an HOUR early… and calls to complain because I am not there yet?! After I already told her what a hard day I’d had?! For. Fuck. Sake! FIRST of all… she lives in the area now. She could have gone back to her apartment, waited a full hour, then gone to the event. Meanwhile, my only option was to leave from work and go directly to the event. But again… these are people that love us. Dealing with “talking to them and hanging out with them” should have been a non-issue. Wife? It was like the worst thing ever that I wasn’t there when she arrived. Me? When I arrived? I talked to everyone there… because they are adults that care about us… and I was genuinely curious about their lives… and they were genuinely curious about our lives? Wife… didn’t get that. Because she lacked the ability to be genuinely curious about THEIR lives. Even though (true story) these people that love us? Adult Female: COO of a Non-Profit that specializes in raising funds for the under privileged. Adult Male: Therapist that helps suicidal and oppositional college students survive college. And their two beautiful children. And Wife calls me, while I’m driving, to bitch that she has to “deal with them” solo until I arrive? Really?! After I already told her that my Friday was filled with dark, terrible Animal Abuse Cases? Really?

So… I arrive… literally 4 minutes later than I said I’d arrive… and have a fairly good time. Well, I do. I talk with people. I interact with people. I engage with the people around us. Meanwhile, Wife is playing Cell Phone Games at a table by herself. Hell, the host (good friend) had to tell her to hug me hello!! I mean… really? Granted… we’d seen each other on Wednesday for the 4th but… after I told her how rough my Friday was… her reaction was to… complain about spending time with people who cared about her and then be told to show me a sign of giving a damn? Seriously?!

That night she fell asleep rather quickly. Wanting and needing SOME sign of affection or give-a-damn from my wife, I tried to snuggle a little. I was not only rejected, but very literally physically pushed backwards. Apparently, the very act of Big Spoon was “too much to ask for” and I needed to assume my “proper position” of the far side of the bed. I realize after this many years of being married, I should just bloody well accept it but… that kind of persistent rejection is not something that has dulled with time. Mostly the opposite. It has gotten harder and more difficult each and every time. Maybe I’m wrong but… after being with someone since 2005 (married since 2011)… I thought being “close” would have been something Wife would have eased into… instead, it is something she’s remained very firm against despite my attempts at talking to her about my personal needs.

Saturday, our plan was to go grocery shopping and then go to a mutual friends’ place for Dungeons and Dragons.

The Grocery Shopping was… painful. We spent an hour in the store which… isn’t necessarily a terrible thing. If it is a bonding experience, that is an awesome thing. It wasn’t. Mostly, it was Wife panicking when she couldn’t instantly find what she was looking for, taking it out on me, and ignoring any attempt at conversation I tried to get started. In other words… our current separation didn’t make her want my presence and opinion so much as it made her (apparently) resent my presence and opinion.

At the DnD game, I thought things went fine. I Interacted with people. She didn’t. Frankly… a pretty TYPICAL social event for us. But on the drive back from the game, she decided to tell me that she didn’t appreciate how I treated her during the game. That I wasn’t paying her enough attention or showing her enough support during the event.

I… opened up and didn’t hold back. I told her that the fact that, after expressly telling her how difficult my Friday was… that I still hadn’t even received a God Damned HUG from my Wife spoke worlds to me. I told her that, after the many years of telling her how much even mild physical touch meant to me… the fact that, after reading the most horrific animal abuse cases of my life, she decided to recoil at my touch… not because I was sweaty (I wasn’t), not because I was smelly (I wasn’t) but because “Ew, touching my husband”… yeah, I told her that hurt. And that after almost a DECADE of that… it hurts MORE each time, not less. I broke down sobbing (despite my better efforts) and told her how lonely and miserable I’d been for the last many YEARS because I was in a marriage where my wife (1) didn’t care about my opinion; (2) didn’t want to know how I felt about anything; (3) decided any physical interaction was beneath her; and (4) felt that my role as husband was to be entirely a support role.

She listened and shot back “Then why not just divorce me?” Again… I didn’t hold back this time. I reminded her of our recent conversation where I expressly told her, “The reason we’re still married is because we got married. I’m in this marriage because I uphold my vows.” She remembered… vaguely… and asked why that was enough for me. I answered honestly. Because I’m a coward. I made a promise to my God, my family, and the woman I loved that I would stick by her no matter what… even if it made me miserable. She asked why I was miserable. I outlined my case: None of my personal needs are met in this relationship, every interaction we have is about HER wants or needs, every conversation we have about the future centers around what SHE wants out of life, any time I ask her for anything (a hug, a kiss, any sign of affection, telling me she loves me, anything) I hear excuses, complaints and bullshit. Never once do I hear, “I’m sorry. I love you. I should say it more often.” I hear… “I wasn’t raised that way.” Or “I’ve got a lot on my mind.” So, if you didn’t realize by that discussion… WHENEVER I ASK MY WIFE TO SAY “I love you” OR SHOW ME ANY POSITIVE FEEDBACK… WHENEVER I AM LITERALLY ASKING HER, TELLING HER WHAT I NEED… she doesn’t give it to me. A way of saying it would be.... I tell my wife “Wow, I’m hungry. I sure would appreciate a nice warm meal.” And she responds with, “Gosh, that’s a good idea. Too bad nobody cooked one.” Maybe that isn’t a great fictional example. Lets try something literal. I come home from an entire week at work. I say, “Ugh. Some dark and terrible shit in the world that I had to deal with this week. I sure could use a hug.” To which Wife responds, “Why are you still wearing a sports’ coat? Put that in the laundry and then set the washing machine to light cycle. After that, turn on the dishwasher.” Because that happened.

Of course… after hollowing myself out and being very express and deliberate with my Wife on why our marriage sucks… why I would love for JUST ONCE my wife to say, “I love you” or hug me or kiss me without me BEGGING FOR IT FIRST.... after expressing all of this to her… she starts crying… as she has every right to do… and then tells me how it is too bad I’m stuck with her, how she hasn’t had enough time in therapy to deal with it all, and how I really should just divorce her.

That is her reaction. And I know she doesn’t mean it… but part of me thinks… yeah, she’s right. After all, her Love Languages and her Ideal Marriage simply involves someone that spends time with her and takes care of her. MY needs are the ones creating problems. I’m the one that needs someone to say nice things and voluntarily show me affection and care. The problem here is mine because I’m not getting what I need from the relationship. Demanding that she change is unfair to her. Making her feel bad because she can’t give me what I need isn’t fair to her. So I begin to wonder… maybe I should divorce her for both our sake?

But… again… I’m a coward. I so desperately want our marriage to work. This woman has been a part of my life for 13 years. This woman has been a part of my life for almost 40% of my life. Not to mention the other part.... I have ZERO luck meeting people. I mean… I know it has only been a week… but I tried REALLY HARD to meet people this last week. ONLY person who was willing to talk to me AT ALL was a woman that lived 100 miles away and only talked to me for fucking advice. In short… I am NOT a catch. I am NOT someone that gets “called back” or “second dates.” What I get is a psychotic girl in her late teens… someone that tries to kill me… and Wife. That is the short list of people who have EVER really given me the time of day. In other words… people who want something from me and react VERY POORLY when I ask for anything in return. That is my world. And even now… this many years later… nobody wants anything to do with me. So yeah… I’m a coward. I want my marriage to work. Because I can’t get anything else. And maybe that is really cruel to my Wife because I want her to be a WIFE instead of whatever it is she would prefer to be. But… she agreed to marry me? Am I really being such an asshole for requesting that she treat me like a freaking husband?