First Day in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

The morning was… better than I expected.

One would think that I’d wake up and feel sad that my wife wasn’t beside me… or that I’d wake up and be grumpy to have to be awake so early. But neither was true. I woke up. I got dressed. I got in the car. Now… I should have had some kind of breakfast. That is something I’m going to fix in the future. Because… going from 6 am to noon with no fuel doesn’t work. And going from 6 am to 6 pm on less than 400 calories also doesn’t work. Though… I have to say.... even while I attempt to fix the issues of food intake I hope I continue to eat in small amounts. If I could get down to 200 pounds in the next few months, that would be excellent. Technically, I would still be obese (gr!) but the “BMI chart” says for my height, I’d be merely “overweight” at 190… so 200 (20 pounds less than current) is still a good and (I hope) realistic goal.

I got off topic.

Got in the car this morning. Drove the 50 minutes to my job. The job was… interesting, if unfortunate. I can tell that the County Attorney is… green as all get out. Like… he started the job within the last few months. So he doesn’t know much about what is going on, but he knows there is a lot to do. Problem is… he doesn’t know how to connect me to doing those things. But apparently, this district is nearby enough to where I used to prosecute that the judge knows me and remembers me and a few of the attorneys have heard of me. So… there’s that.

So far… looking through the files, talking to the people, and really doing some legwork on what to expect? This office has several technological advancements (like an actual IT DEPARTMENT!) as well as secretarial staff and a victim impact coordinator. On the other hand, there is a big wave of “hillbilly violence.” Not my term. “Hillbilly violence” here means that there are a lot of people who “redress wrongs” their own way. In short… someone upsets you… you beat them up. If someone hurt your sister, you try to hit them with your car. (True case): If you hear from somebody’s uncle’s friend that somebody may have a gun that kind of looks like one of yours that went missing… you grab two of your friends, bum rush the door breaking it down, Tazer the homeowner until you can successfully choke him out, then search his house for your 9 mm handgun… when you can’t find your handgun, just steal his flare gun. That is Hillbilly Violence.

Then I drove home. Did some grocery shopping. Came home. Checked to see if the Iowa County Attorney’s Association had updated the jobs board to remove Dubuque and Webster. Instead, I saw an advertisement for Linn County. Linn County looking for an Assistant County Attorney, paying $72,000 per year. Linn County is one of my Top 5 Iowa Counties. Period. So… now I’m just doubting myself all over the place. Like with Wife. I find myself thinking “Maybe this is a thing I do? Maybe I run so quickly to what is offered, that I miss out on something I want more that might be better for me?”

I was hot, sweaty, and in a suit. So… I wish that I was sexy (or that I had a flirtatious relationship with any of you, lol) so that when I say I stripped down to my underwear, I can imagine that visual stimulating someone, lol :p

Then as I was eating my dinner; Wife called. It was a “How was your first day” call… but mostly it was “What SIL said on Sunday is really messing with me. I don’t know what to do. What should I do?” Transitioning into “We have to think about what happens at your next job?” My next job? “Yeah… after we do this small town thing for a few years and we go back to a bigger city?” Ugh. Sigh.

1. Do you believe that you are worthy of love?
I do. It might not seem like it, but I do. But I also believe all people are worthy of love. Because love is something that is given because you’re a vulnerable person open to the experience. Everyone can be that person. So… everyone is worthy of love. But not everybody is open to it.

2. Do you love yourself?
This one is hard for me because the answer isn’t positive. I tolerate myself. I accept that I have flaws and strengths; I accept that I live in a world that will always give me reasons to love and hate. I don’t love myself. But I put up with myself.

3. Do you think you’re attractive?
I used to be! It was more of a traditional nerd attractive… under weight with a big smile. But… not much anymore.

4. Do you have a long laundry list of things you are looking for in a partner?
I don’t really, actually. I have things I would want… like kindness and affection… but of course, clearly I seem to be capable of doing without.

5. Do you have your own values?
Yes.

6. Do you have your own friendships established?
Well, I’d say not really. Because mostly I have friends but Wife doesn’t. I’ve been encouraging her to make friends… so we’ll see?

7. Do you know what you can bring into the relationship?
Intelligence. Wit. Love. Humor. Conversation. I can be sweet. I can be romantic. Sometimes.

8. Are you hoping for someone to complete you?
No. I don’t need another person to complete me. I need a social group and a good job for that.

9. Do you feel desperate to meet someone?
Not really. Honestly? I’d kind of like to. I know, that makes me a monster. But… if I met someone that showed me a world of caring and support… I’d know it was out there.

10. Are you only looking for a partner because you need to have one?
Negative.

11. Are you still in love with your ex?
In some ways. I’ve actually been dreaming about some of my exes a lot lately.

12. Do you secretly want to get back together with your ex?
Not really. I mean… in some bizzarro crazy world, it would be cool to be with Buffy but… she’s in a wonderful place, has great kids and a loving husband. So I’d never want to ruin that.

13. Are you willing to put in the work?
Always. Apparently, always.

14. Do you know how to fight fair?
I hope so. I mean… tough to say from the outside, but I hope so.

15. Are you willing to be vulnerable?
Always. I’ve been an actor, a spiritual counselor, a legal counselor… I can do vulnerable.

16. Are you prepared to allocate time and energy into a relationship?
I’ve clearly been willing to do that.

17. Do you have your emotional baggage sorted out?
Uhm… as much as I can, but I’m still working on it.

18. Are you still sowing your wild oats?
I never sowed my wild oats. I mean… I tried once… and it resulted in Aku, attempted rape, and assault.

19. Are you ready for a monogamous relationship?
Yes.

20. How do you feel about marriage and kids?
I’d love marriage… if it worked both ways. And I’d love kids… if I didn’t think that my current partner would be completely incapable of dealing with kids.