kisses in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I’m sitting outside at a Starbucks on campus…I should be doing homework right now, but I really just don’t feel like starting this new project…we have to build a Hang-man game using NodeJS and Javascript so that the entire thing can be run and played on the command line…and I’m just not feeling it.

We just finished building this siri bot called “Liri” that is all done through Node on the command line and I feel like that was a feat in itself…and we get no respite from this shit, as soon as we’re done with one project it’s just immediately time to move on to the next one, and the next one is always bigger and badder and more complex.

So, I’m avoiding doing any real work by escaping into my own self obsession…at least, that’s what this all feels like sometimes…the highest form of narcissism.

HEY, EVERYBODY!!!! COME AND SEE HOW INTERESTING MY LIFE IS! No, not my Instagram or Facebook life…but the private stuff…the GOOOOOD stuff…the real kinky shit.

Whatever man…how’s this for private…I ate a Cobb salad today…it was fucking delicious.

…

I feel a lot better today than I thought I was going to…but I really didn’t drink very much at all last night, and I went to bed at a decent hour, and I even woke up at a decent hour…although I tried to stay in bed for as long as I could. I woke up at around 9 and just laid in bed until noon because I can do stuff like that because I don’t have kids.

I got a text from the Math teacher lady who I went on a date with, she wanted to know what I was doing today…I told her I had study group and class, but if she wanted to grab some lunch I’d be down…so we did that. We met at a pretty hip restaurant that I like going to here on campus, we ended up just hanging out and talking for like two and a half hours, so that was nice.

At the end of it I gave her a hug and then she was still just standing there and it kind of got awkward and then she just reached out and kissed me, haha…like, it was nice, but I felt stupid, I was like “Oh, shit, I forgot that that’s what you’re supposed to do at the end of the second date…and here I am trying to give her a hug like some kind of fucking idiot.”

I have been out of the game for so long I truly have no idea what I’m doing…I don’t even know if I liked it because it kind of made me panic and I was like, “Holy shit, now I feel way more invested in this thing than I think I should be.” and all of these panic alarms started to go off in my head like I was about to fucking die or something.

She’s cute and she’s cool…but I don’t feel totally into it.
I don’t know.
Maybe it would be nice to have sex again though? I mean…assuming I can get my equipment to work, I have no idea if it will work or not, I haven’t really had sex since I’ve been on these meds and my sex drive is almost non-existent so…I guess we’ll find out soon?

I kind of had sex once though, and I guess everything worked fine…fuck, that was a weird night.

…

I don’t want to go to class, I want to be boarding around.

Today I watched this video of one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen shredding the gnar…which, I think probably made her a lot more beautiful to me…but she was not fucking around, grinding rails, bombing 10 stairs, flip tricks up a 4 stair…this was some serious shit.

It inspired me, I’m going to go buy a skateboard, hopefully tomorrow…I wish tomorrow wasn’t the stupid fourth of July because I have a feeling a lot of places aren’t going to be open, but I’m going to try anyway, and if not tomorrow then Thursday.

I have two longboards, but I need a skateboard…it’s time to go hit the parks again and do some tricks, I keep telling myself it will count as exercise, so that’s a bonus…and then I keep telling myself I’m not too old to get back on it…I saw some video of a dude in his 60’s shredding and I was like, “Alright, Dane, you old mother fucker…if he can do it, you can do it.”

Maybe I’ll even get a helmet and drop into the half-pipe at Vans…that thing is not a joke…I’ll probably die, but that’s okay.

…

I almost brought one of my boards with me to campus today, but then I was like, “Naaaah, between lunch and study group I won’t have time.” But my entire study group flaked today so I’m just here by myself…not even working on the project anyway…I could be bombing hills and running into little 20 something year olds right now…sometimes I feel like I make bad decisions…always always ALWAYS bring a board.

…

I can’t believe I ate a salad today…I mean, I feel like it was the good choice, but what a date move, amIright?

Who even am I?

I had a dream last night that I was out wandering around the streets at night (I guess it’s always night in my dreams, now that I think about it) and this calico cat came up out of nowhere and it looked like it had been homeless for at least a good two years now and I was like, “Sadie?!?!” and whoever I was with was like, “THIS IS TOTALLY SADIE!” But then I started to study the cats face and her markings and I knew it wasn’t her…what a fucked up trick to play on someone though…whoever directs my dreams is some sort of twisted, sick, fuck.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was in this park that I go to often to play disc golf, and I was with my elementary school best friend, and he was still like…10 years old, and I was teaching him how to play disc golf when suddenly the entire park just burst into flames.

What the fuck is that about?

I also got chased by a white wolf who ultimately ended up eating a baby deer in front of me (fawn?) and everything was just on fire and this wolf was eating this baby and I’m just like…ready to fight this fucking wolf, and in my head I’m like, “I don’t want to fight this wolf, please for the love of God tell me this isn’t really happening” and then I woke up.

I feel like the only way I’ve been waking up ever since I started one of these new meds is because I’m so panicked in my dream that I’m like, “THIS CAN’T BE REAL!” and then I wake up.

Stoops bruh

…

Alright, I’ve killed enough time, I think…I can actually go wander into class now and ask my instructor about this new project and why it seems so stupidly difficult and I can be like, “IS THIS REALLY EVEN HAPPENING?” and then I can wake up and I’ll just be this little alien child laying in my hover-bed and realize that the last 33 years have all just been a dream.

Thank god…

Soon it will all be over.

Thanks for listening…you’re a great listener, I appreciate it.
Thanks for not thinking I’m just so full of myself.
I feel like I should be paying you.
I’ll just pay you in love.
love.
- Dane