What the fuck just happened? in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I just lost my two best friends out here in the span of a week, and I’m trying my best to process it.

On top of that, my best friend in SLC and my best friend in Oakland are going through some major bullshit.

Oh…and another one of my friends needs to flee to New Mexico to go handle some bullshit.

I’m just sitting here like, “What the fuck? How has my entire group of humans just fallen into such disarray?”

Alec is facing some pretty severe jail time…and honestly, it’s not like it all just came out of nowhere, the truth of it is that he didn’t handle his shit when he should have…but truth is so subjective, isn’t it? Because there’s also this part of the truth…this ugly part of the truth that is Alec never had any parents to show him how to be an adult and how to function in society…yeah, some people can overcome that, but not a lot.

I didn’t have any parents either…not until recently, I’m learning all of these lessons at 32 that I should have been taught as a child…life is so fucked up.

Zane is all fucked up on meth…he’s in this intense program in San Francisco and the pressure of it all got to him, and he lives in Ghost Town in Oakland, where pretty much all of his neighbors are drug dealers or drug addicts…so turning to meth was an easy choice.

Zane will kick it…he always does…he’s a strong mother fucker.

Alec doesn’t want to go to jail…he’s on the run right now and he’s about ready to kill himself and I’m worried that he’s going to kill himself.

Lex isn’t going to kill herself anymore…I guess she’s been pregnant for a few months and hasn’t been showing at all and she had no idea that she was pregnant, and when she finally went to a doctor to find out what was going on with her she found out she was like 2 days too far gone to get an abortion…so that’s why she’s running to New Mexico, because apparently they can help her out with it…and she was crying to me last night telling me how she feels like a murderer…but, I mean…it’s a mercy kill. How much worse would life be for an unwanted child? And we’re all going to die, and it’s not like life is this one shot thing…better to keep the child from suffering than to let it live an unwanted life…at least in my opinion.

But what do I know?

Anyway…on to the friends I’ve lost.

Danny just moved to Austin Texas with his girlfriend, and I’m actually really excited for them, it sucks because him and I have been friends for a long time. We both moved from California to Utah, and then we both moved back to California at the same time…he’s been a constant in my life when my life has been complete chaos. I already miss him a lot, but I understand the decision to move to Austin and it’s not like I’m never going to see him again, it’s just not going to be as often as it usually is…that’s all.

Brittany, on the other hand…I don’t understand her decision at all.
Brittany and I have been friends for the last eight years…we dated for a while, but it wasn’t anything serious, and we both decided that it wasn’t a good fit, so we went back to being friends.

Brittany has also been in this bullshit off again/on again relationship with this total piece of shit…and I have no ill feelings towards this guy other than the fact that he treats someone who I love like shit…

Anyway, he has a pretty strong spell on her, and even though he has done nothing but lie, cheat, and steal the entire time they’ve known each other, Brittany still thinks that this dude is the one.

Well, he apparently just decided that he was finally ready to make a commitment to her and now they’re boyfriend and girlfriend…fucking great…so, she sends me a fucking text telling me this…and then tells me that she has to respect his boundaries when it comes to our relationship…and then she texts me about how much she’s crying and how much she wishes she was doing this in person…and then she calls me like three times, and I ignore all of her calls because I’m so not fucking about to have this conversation with her…and I send her a text and I’m basically just like, “All of my friends are losing their shit right now, I just lost Danny, now I’m losing you…I don’t want to talk to you about this, I understand, but I need some time to process so…good luck, I hope you find the happiness you deserve.”

And the fuck of it all is that she’s not going to find the happiness she deserves with this guy. I honestly give it like three months, at the most…

…and the worst part is that she’s going to come back and apologize…and I’m going to accept her apology, and I’m going to help her pick up the pieces, because that’s what friends do…oh, and that’s not the worst part yet, I’m fine with all of that…THE WORST PART IS THAT SHE’S GOING TO KEEP FUCKING WITH THIS DUDE EVEN AFTER ALL OF THIS.

But, you know what?
She’s admitted that she likes the drama and the excitement.
Who the fuck am I to judge?

…

Anyway…

Golnar is in Northern California camping....and I miss her so much right now.

bleh.

…

I went on a date last night…I took the weirdest Lyft ride of my entire life.
I got picked up by this old man, Lyft told me he was deaf or hard of hearing, so I was expecting a quiet ride.
NOPE
He picks me up and he’s immediately like, “I have water and candy…do you like the music?”
I’m like…“Yeah, the music is fine”
The music was this…club bullshit…like, I felt like I should be on ecstasy or something.
The best part was that he had this little flip down screen and it was this video of nothing but people having beach and pool-side parties…and the majority of the video was girls in bikini’s dancing to the music…and the majority of the girls in bikini’s were mainly just their asses wagging back and forth…and I’m sitting here like…“What kind of fuck bus have I gotten myself into? “

It was the perfect way to set the stage for a first date.

So, he drops me off at this bullshit restaurant that I hate (which was my dates choice, even though I had already told her I wanted to meet at a cool place and she decided to change the location the night of and I was just trying to be nice and go with the flow, but seriously fuck the restaurant she picked) and I walk in and she’s not there, so I go to the bar and order a margarita and text her “Hey, I’m grabbing a margarita, happy hour is almost over so I’ll be at the bar”, but then she’s like, “I’m here!” so she shows up and orders a margarita and I pay for it even though she was like, “You don’t have to” and in my head I’m like, “Chill, lady, I got your happy margarita at this dumb fucking place”

Anyway…

My last date on Sunday was with this totally wild chick who is my typical type…but those wild chicks usually destroy me…

…this date was with a super nerdy math teacher…and I thought that maybe a change of pace would be a good thing for me, like “Oh maybe this wholesome and somewhat nerdy girl can even me out a little bit because I’m so obviously fucking insane and on the cutting edge of destruction all the time.”

But…

…she had almost no sense of humor, and she doesn’t like fantasy or sci-fi…she even said “I’m a realist” which just made me think to myself, “What the fuck does that even mean? What the fuck is a ‘realist’? Do you even know that reality is subjective? Do you even understand that everything you see or touch or feel is just a fucking hallucination? Did you know that there is no such thing as reality?”

But…I’m a really polite and loving person…so I didn’t say any of those things.
Instead I just appreciated the fact that she is sweet and wholesome and nursed one margarita for two hours and still seemed to get kind of tipsy…and I admired the fact that she’s excited to go to a Dirty Heads concert to listen to some Raggae even though she doesn’t smoke weed.

She texted me today and I texted her back.

What the fuck am I even doing?

…

I just had this giant wave of “I should kill myself” wash over me.

It’s not even a thought, but a physical feeling.

I’m just sick of being in a body.

I want out.

I want to go home.

…

Anyway, I’ve probably reached my word count for this assignment.

It’s been a full moon for the last three nights and it has fucked me up completely.
I am a cancer, afterall.
I’m going to be 33 soon…haha, old man.

I’m about to go longboard in the moonlight and grab a beer and then bomb some hills in the blue and white.

I can’t wait to see my own moon shadow.

…

Have I ever told you how much I love you?
Yeah, I know I have.
Thanks for loving me back.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for your feedback.
Thanks for trying to understand.
Thanks for not judging.
I love you so much.
I’ll talk to you soon.

-Dane