A Positive in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Lots of thoughts all at once right now. So I’ll share how my process works when that is true. First, I’ll write an opening few lines (as so), then I’ll write numbers and categories to remember what I wanted to share.

(1) Notes and Reading
(2) Interview
(3) Cozy Time!!!
(4) Mutual work via Prosebox and Better Help
(5) Thoughts on pictures, porn, and beautiful women.

After that, I’ll actually start writing the “little entries.” Typically, I’d write the entries under the numbers as written, but as I am writing this in a “here’s how I write” way so I’ll re-do the numbers down here.

(1) Notes and Reading
I know I get repetitious and I realize that nobody owes anyone anything on this site (except for courtesy and respect, of course) but I do honestly feel bad when I am so poor at being an “interactive” member. I enjoy reading others Prosebox writing and I genuinely want to interact with my note givers. Unless I’ve specifically said something to you: NEVER believe that your notes are inappropriate or unwelcome. Even notes that call me on my shit or propose an alternate perspective or challenge me… all are welcome! So, if you’ve ever left me a note that you were worried about and I did not reply… don’t believe it is because I didn’t appreciate the note or was offended by that note. Unfortunately, what I’m writing about is typically weighing on my heart and head considerably. And so many of the notes are insightful, enlightening, supportive, and/or challenging (in positive ways) that… I tend to read and really reflect on things. Just adding those perspectives into the process with both heart and head. So often, I’ll simply retreat into my mind considering things, reconsidering things, adding in the new perspectives… weighing them against the facts and the elements that may not be as clearly stated or openly available. So… yeah. If you’ve written me a note that hasn’t gotten a response… I do care about those notes (probably more than I should) and I do care about your Prosebox entries and the lives you are all leading. I consider many of you to be my friends.

(2) Interview
Today was my interview for Web. I figured, “There really isn’t anything this place can offer me.” But during the interview I realized… okay, that isn’t true. Web has a total of 5 attorneys and the City is larger than where I’d be in Garrett. BUT the money is the same, the insurance options aren’t much better, and the actual location is worse for Wife and I (friends and family-wise). So… an interview where I can well and truly say… I honestly don’t care if I get it or not. If I do get an offer… it’ll be worth considering. But I’m not on bended knee praying for a phone call. That is the REALLY good thing about having Garrett already booked. While I would love a call from Que… if they select a different attorney… at least I know that I have a job anyway. Granted, I’ll still be disappointed if Que says no. But that’s the joy of me and my stressful life. If Que says yes… then I’ll have to “pardon myself” from a job I’ve already accepted. If Que says no… then I’ll be disappointed that I’ll miss out on a much more promising opportunity.

(3) Cozy Time!!!
When I arrived home after my interview, I stayed in the car for a minute. Not because I didn’t want to go inside but because… it has been a bloody lot of driving these last two days. The interviews combined took 90 minutes. The driving combined? 12 hours in total. So I was wiped. When I got up to the apartment, I said hi to the Wife and went straight to the bedroom. Took off my shirt and just crashed. A few minutes later, Wife came in and cuddled up with me! Put my arm around her, snuggled her head into my shoulder, and put her hand on my chest. Told me about her day.

As this is a first, I want to take a moment to really articulate why it matters. The emotional calmness and security I felt was beyond description. If I was a Freudian(I’m more of a Jungian) I would probably hypothesize that since I was a sickly and colic little kid. Lots of crying, lots of doctor’s visit, lots of overnight stays at hospitals and away from family. But I came from a loving family, and a family that was very good at soothing me. Lots of hugs, back rubs, and person to person connection. So again IF I was a Freudian, I’d say my persistent need for physical connection stems from the contact and connections in my formative years. But… the important thing to note is simply that… my entire self is calmed, secure, and in a better place emotionally and spiritually when there is physical contact. Judge me if you wish. It was nice. And I thanked Wife. And told her how much I appreciated it. Because I want her to know that I’m not some “hyper-sexed pervert desperate for physical contact.” Nor have I ever been. Just as it was when we first started dating (and she had a good handle on this back then)… physical contact helps me in far deeper ways.

*(and then the obligatory break in writing for an argument with Wife that she wanted to bring on since she’s seeing her therapist tomorrow and sleep. The argument creating a number 6. (6) Argument w/Wife on Shame and Communication) *

(4) Mutual work via Prosebox and Better Help
So… I am currently using an “online therapy” approach for myself. We could do skype sessions or live chat or any of that but so far… the back and forth more forum like nature has worked well. And Prosebox helps me a lot in that area. I can discuss here how I feel, what is going on… just really throw my thoughts out as they come to me. Which then helps me organize them to share in a more clear and intentional way with the therapist. It was true when I was trying to consider leaving the Firm (a decision I am still glad to say I feel no regret over). While I was here trying to consider if it was toxic or if it was just my imagination… as I was getting lovely and insightful feedback from all of you… the therapist interactions also aided greatly in starting to build a part of me that is okay considering my needs. It is funny (and kind of sad) that I went through a painfully abusive relationship, isolation and discomfort through college, all the shit in my marriage… but it took a professional crisis to drive home that I needed to work on considering my own needs, lol. So to has Prosebox and Online Therapy aided in my marriage stuff. We’re trying to figure out how to navigate all of this. Some times it is good, some times it is bad. The therapist encourages stability to reduce stress and change to increase health. Lots of talking and figuring and sorting. It’s been helpful and I thank both websites Prosebox and Better Help for the feedback.

(5) Thoughts on pictures, porn, and beautiful women.
There was a note on a recent entry inquiring about some of the photographic content I share in my entries. I never really go into it too much and going into it at all threatens to make me look abysmal and primitive but… the great thing about Prosebox is the support. On OD when I was working on dating, trying to figure out what I want, trying to figure out if I deserved to go after what I want… in other words… the typical dating issues… I received an abundant plethora of negative judgment comments. As an example, I would state something like: “I was at the clubs last night playing designated driver for some friends. A woman across the bar was stop the presses beautiful! Like… awesome dress, killer heels, a body that wouldn’t quit, and a face you could really just lose yourself in.” Which would illicit comments like, “A woman is more than her appearance!” or “You call yourself a ‘nice guy’ but you ogle a girl at a bar? Creeper.” or “That sounds really creepy. Like… I just get this picture in my head of you staring at this woman and… ugh. Poor girl.” Yes, seriously. And those are the comments I’ve chosen to remember because I’ve intentionally blocked the ones that actually genuinely hurt my feelings. Sorry… I suppose that was all a bit of a preamble for the substance of this portion but… there is a strong reason from past experience why, when I discuss anything of a “my sexual preferences” concern… I get a bit… conciliatory, defensive, and apprehensive.

The truth is… there are an abundant number of reasons why I share the pictures of women in my entries but I also want to tackle a bit of a larger subject. Again, another place where my past experiences play significant roles in every aspect from my thoughts to my ability to communicate those thoughts. Let’s start at the macrocosmic: I am against toxic masculinity because I grew up in a weird hybrid of it. Men were to treat women with respect and admiration, men were able to explore their artistic side, but men were to distance themselves from their emotions, the worst thing to be called was a “girl” and if you were deemed “too sensitive” then just kill yourself. But I also got a nice heavy dose of “toxic masculinity meets Christian Faith meets Cultural Influence.” So… Toxic Masculinity dictated that a man was only as valuable as the kind (and number) of women that wanted him. Cultural Influence suggested that sexual urges were a normal part of life and a healthy part of adolescents to explore. My particular Christian upbringing mandated that sex is a gift from God to be shared between a man and a woman after they have gotten married. ANY sex prior to marriage should be considered an act of unfaithfulness to your future spouse.

So… I had a lot of conflicting, rough, and difficult moments in my life centering around sex, sexuality, and that whole shebang. The fact that I actually rejected dates in High School and/or College because the girl “had a reputation” embarrasses and frustrates me to this day. Embarrasses me because… I should have made my decision based on my feelings about the person, not on my feelings about their purity. Frustrates me because… perhaps if I’d lost my virginity before the age of 21, some things may have turned out differently. So right off the bat, I have a bit of a messy relationship with the whole genre of sex and sexual attractiveness.

That being said… I’m intellectually fascinated by the topic of Human Sexual Attractiveness. Scientists continually suggest that “At the end of the day, Human Sexual Attractiveness can be whittled down simply to that which is desirable for successful reproduction and proliferation of DNA.” But in almost every way imaginable, I resist that over-simplified explanation. Because a few generations ago, that which was seen as desirable was something very different than that which is seen as desirable today. Economic and socio-cultural influences certainly apply, but there is also past experience and exposure and genetic matching issues to consider. For instance, do I prefer Red Heads because they were so rare when I was growing up? Or do I prefer Red Heads because that was the go-to hair color for beautiful women in DC Comics? For instance, am I a leg man from way back because I developed a love of nylons, pantyhose, and stockings? Or am I leg man because even before I consciously felt the pain, some part of me knew that my legs were genetically defective (pain centers) and I was seeking a mate with “good thighs” as a genetic buffer against my own genetic failings? These things fascinate me. Tip of the iceberg.

There may be nothing so… polarizing and odd… in our culture right now as pornographic content. Back in my Father’s day, Playboy magazines and girly calendars and suggestive entertainment were rampant. In the 1980s and 1990s, entertainment continued to have an obsessive focus on sex, sexuality, and attractiveness. Hell (I don’t know if they still do this but) every year, ESPN used to do an entire half hour to hour show on the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue. Sex is… kind of everywhere. So… I’m a kid growing up in that environment. With a faith mandate saying, “Thoughts are sin, too. But nothing is as bad as having sex before marriage!” Through my brother and his friends… I discovered that there was such a thing as free pornographic content on the computers. It was… emotionally and spiritually rough. I had found a way to circumvent the hormones and raging sexuality growing within me… but I knew it still wasn’t “okay.” The first time my Dad found out I had looked at materials like that? He hit the roof. I got the full lecture about respecting women, respecting God, respecting my family, not being so shameful, not bringing disgusting filth into the house… just everything. However, (both at the time and as clarification) the “materials” I was enjoying? Slide shows of women going from fully dressed (slide 1) to removing an article of clothing (slide 2) to looking like they were about to take off another piece of clothing (slide 3) to actually taking off that clothing (slide 4). And this was back in the days of dial up remember. But no… for that, my father made me feel well and truly like a monster who disappointed the family and God. Meanwhile… mechanic shops, the locker room at school, and an abundance of private lockers around the school were proudly displaying topless girls. And I didn’t think “why is that acceptable but what I like isn’t?” INSTEAD, I thought “If this is what everybody else likes, why do I like what I do?” I’ll be honest… I got a lot of those kinds of talks from my father in High School. Feeling like a total monster for having sexual desires and sexual urges. REALLY hammered into me. So badly that, when I was involved with Aku… I never told my parents anything about the abuse or fear or anything because some of what was happening was sexual and… I already felt like shit, I didn’t want my Dad adding more fuel to the “monster” fire that had already grown large at that point. Hell, Senior Year of High School… I genuinely wanted to kill myself instead of face my father about sexual matters. AND I WASN’T EVEN GAY! Straight heterosexual son who finds woman attractive and isn’t having sex looking at sexual material… and I was made to feel like a monster. BUT (and I want this understood) I DON’T BLAME MY DAD AT ALL! I… was a unique kid. My dad got the doom and gloom talk from his father, and he had premarital sex. My brother got the doom and gloom talk same as I did, and he had premarital sex. I just… I think it is fair to say that nobody could have predicted that I would react the way I did. Instead of blowing it off, shrugging it off, understanding that this was an “over reaction rant” to “mitigate future bad choices”… I didn’t do that. I absorbed all of it. I took it to heart. I don’t blame my Dad for that. But I will acknowledge it has had a lot of unfortunate consequences in my life.

Now, pulling back again… in a non-sexual way, I find Humans to be a wonderful, diverse, bizarre, and fascinating creature when it comes to beauty. Look at the birds. A “beautiful Eagle” is going to look almost identical to any other “beautiful Eagle.” But humans literally can’t do that there is so much infinite diversity in infinite combinations. Give me 2 5 foot 3 inch tall women with dark hair cut into a short bob. Give each of them the exact same makeup and wardrobe. Even if both women look stunning, they won’t look the same. The wardrobe will fit a little differently on each woman. The hair cut will frame the women’s faces differently. The makeup may accent one woman’s best feature and accent the other woman’s worst feature. Human beauty is incredibly varied. AND HERE’S THE THING: I’ve seen a 300 lb woman look more beautiful than a 100 lb woman. I’ve seen a woman “just get out of bed” looking better than a woman who spent “three hours at the salon.” I’ve seen a man so girl-pretty that it felt like I was robbing other men’s joy by telling them “That is a heterosexual man in drag for a theater production.”

So there’s the general view of it all for me. Summarized as: I’m kind of fucked up on beauty and sexuality in humans; but I appreciate the hell out of it.
The more up close and personal for me is where I really might offend some folks. You see… I am not some monster that believes a woman should “dress for her man.” Nor am I some ignorant boob who thinks that a woman should “always look her best at all times.” Nor am I some stone aged cretin who says, “A woman without make up is a lazy slag.” So I want to get all of that out of the way first.
Truth be told… my High School has kind of a reputation. Well, both High Schools in the area do. On one side, there is the private Dowling Catholic High School… where the richest and prettiest go for a private Catholic education. Then there’s my High School. Valley High School… the public school for the wealthy, popular, well-known.... and everybody else. I often joke that too many people in my neck of the woods would like to think this is somehow the Poshest Part of Iowa. Ultimately the translation there: I grew up in a world where women did their make up to go to the grocery store. I went to high school with legitimate models (catalog, magazine, and runway). It was not unheard of for some of the girls to pay 1 to 2 thousand dollars per school dance on new dress, new shoes, hair, and makeup. PER DANCE. That’s like 4 times a year! So right out of the gate, that is where I grew up.
But… I’m not an idiot… and I went to College and Law School. And I can tell you that there were some very attractive women in their sweat pants, sweat shirts, and glasses who just rolled out of bed that morning. BUT (and here’s an important piece) even those girls wouldn’t go on a date like that, necessarily.

Rewinding back to High School a little. I had a few girlfriends in High School, but really only two that “count” if we’re discussing intentional sexual communication of any kind. One would wear nylons or fishnets or at least a skirt periodically just because she knew it was my thing. It was a small cheeky way she could say, “I know what you like. I can give it to you.” The other? She had her own fashion sense and it worked for her. I would never want her to change it for anyone as it was unique, it set her apart from many others, and it really worked for her. BUT (even with that)… the first time we ever fooled around, she was wearing a red bra with an embossed floral pattern. It was nothing special but apparently, I showed surprise (it was the first time I found out that who she was on the surface and who she was underneath were very different). And every once in a while, when we were hanging out, she’d lean over and nip at my ear and say, “I’ve got that red bra on that you like.” It wasn’t even an item of “Oh, I love that bra. I like it very much.” It was the idea that she connected a certain article of clothing with an importance to me and did so intentionally.

So… wrap that whole big rambling nonsense into a coherent thought and attach it to meaning when I share “Girly Pictures.” Because… it is “what I want” in many ways. It is humans demonstrating their unique and diverse ability for beauty. It is women presenting themselves in a way that they are confident makes them attractive. On a more personal note… I would love to have a woman in my life again that tried from time to time. That wanted to explore her sense of fashion and beauty. That, instead of thinking “I’ve only worn that bra 4 days in a row. Another 3 should be okay.” would think, “I’m going on a date tonight, I want to wear something fun.” That knew me enough or cared enough to say, “I know you like this and I wore it for you.” Again… not an every day thing. Or an every week thing. But occasionally. Occasionally would be nice.

I now submit myself to the abundance of comments mentioning how I’m a poor human male that is doing a disservice to his wife and the entire human female population in general.

(6) Argument w/Wife on Shame and Communication
Shortly after 10:00 Tuesday evening, Wife said “Oh yeah. I’m seeing Kayla tomorrow. She suggested I have a conversation with you.” I was open to this. Apprehensive and a little concerned maybe, but since she’s seeing her therapist tomorrow…I figured it was the best time.
She wanted to talk about how she feels shame when I call her out on something (as she said) that she feels “comes easy to normal people and not” to her. She referenced a time when she was monologue-ing and (after noticing nobody was listening, just sitting politely until she stopped) I told her “that’s probably enough for tonight.” She said she feels shame when I do that and shame isn’t helpful.
I listened and responded with, “I can understand that. I think I do it as a last ditch effort for us. Like… if you can start doing other social activities better, maybe our relationship will get better.”
She… looked frustrated with that response and said, “I don’t want to talk about us. I need to talk about this. THIS is what Kayla wanted me to talk about. This whole shame thing.”

So this started a bit of an argument. BUT (and I credit the earlier cozy time!) I was able to stay more clear headed so I tried to chart the discussion so we could understand each other.

Before things got to a shouting level, I said, “So, you’re saying you want to tell me that I bring you shame and make you feel bad and that I just need to deal with it.”
She responded, “No, that isn’t what I said. How do you think that’s what I said?”
To which I said, “Because you said, ‘This is what happens.’ I said, ‘This is why I do this.’ and you said, ‘I don’t want to talk about that!”

So… we started having an actual dialogue. And she actually re-thought and said, “And actually… remember the other week? After we left your parents’ house and you mentioned how your Dad was telling a story that I interrupted? I like when you tell me about that stuff. Because if I don’t realize I’m doing it, I can’t change it. And that kind of thing is the stuff I want to work on.” I brought up, “And… how about when you ask me to keep you from snacking all afternoon before dinner? Is that a shame moment or?” She thought about it and said, “Yes and no. I’m ashamed that I have no will power. But I’m glad that you remind me not to eat too much and spoil my appetite.”

So… from what I understand about what happened......
Wife feels ashamed when I call her out on things; but she wants to be called out on things (some times) so she can learn to be more polite… and she wants to be called out on over-snacking even though she feels shame about it. Meanwhile, I mentioned to her that… I’ve run out of ways to try to fix our marriage issues. And she responded that it shouldn’t be entirely on me to do that.

So… argument, but Wife didn’t completely lose her shit (positive for her), we were able to actually communicate a bit (positive for us). So now… I just have to prepare the whole “You make me feel bad about myself, lets both work on the marriage, and really honestly think about what we’re doing and what we want.”