Lazer Focus & Interest in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Panic and Focus go kind of hand in hand. I think that’s why my dreams of late have been centered on the idea of College Finals. That moment where you have to focus and push through as hard as you can. Because that is where I am right now. I have 5 days to find an apartment, sign, and move in. Granted… the apartment won’t be in the county where I’m working. But I won’t be rushed into buying a house. I’d rather commute for a while and make sure I am buying a house that I actually want. Or at least… make sure I’m buying a house that I’d prefer. But of course… even that is a bit… insane. Like… very limited options on housing. It’s almost like there’s this 50 mile radius of “It’s dead, Jim.” Just… a complete and absolute lack of anything. Which… is difficult… and bad. Because a house purchase requires 30 days for paperwork, legal, loan, etcetera. So… even if I was just going to buy a house… I’d still need somewhere to crash while waiting for everything to go through.

Plan for today? Closest available location is Marshalltown. That place has 2 apartment complexes; both of which I’ve contacted. The next closest would be Cedar Falls. Now… I’ll be honest. I’m not exactly keen with that one. It is considerably farther away. But… as it is home to one of the three State Universities… its rental options are a wellspring of options.

But… yeah. Feeling a bit of panic right now. I’m even trying multiple internet sites to see if One might have missed something but… no joy. Most sites give me ZERO and say “try expanding your search location” whereas others at least say “Here are other options available.” But yeah. Feeling… not at all happy about my housing situation and the potential for being sans maison in the upcoming weeks. Though… unfortunate as it might be… there is another option.

(1) If I can’t find appropriate rental space… it would be kind of a nightmare but I could stay in DM and commute for a short period of time. I mean… that would be a LOT of daily driving(!) That would be one of those… leave the house at 6 to be at work by 8… leave work by 5 to be home by 7… kind of situations.
(2) While that reality is going on; contact a Real Estate Agent (and give them the addresses of the 5 houses I’m looking at.
(3) Try to convince Wife that if we’re buying a house… I still need her to stay in DM for a while.... because while yes we’d have a Mortgage and Rent… we’d still need her income to pull ahead for a while. And she is already back to the “I don’t think I’d be able to get a job in Garrett” so.... two incomes going down to one while simultaneously adding a mortgage.... yeah.

In other news…

I had Wife and I do a marriage thing this last weekend. I wanted to really dig into some of our problems and busted out the Love Languages thing.

First, lets discuss the scoring of it: “The highest score indicates your primary love language - how you really understand your partner’s expressions of love. It’s common to have two high scores (the highest score being 12), although one language tends to have a slight edge for most people. The lower scores in your profile indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don’t affect you on an emotional level in your relationship”

Now… it doesn’t say specifically, but from that description I would understand that the closer something is to a 12, the more important it is. In this way, if someone’s highest score in anything is a 12… that is a love language that MUST be used. If someone’s highest score in anything is a 6… then the very idea of “love languages” is in jeopardy because that individual struggles with love being discussed in any way. I could be wrong; but that’s how I read it.

There are 5 Love Languages and they are described as follows:
(1) Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

(2) Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

(3) Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

(4) Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.

(5) Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

MY RESULTS
11 Words of Affirmation
9 Physical Touch
6 Quality Time
4 Acts of Service
0 Receiving Gifts

SO… out of a very top score of 12.... I had an 11 in Words of Affirmation. “Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.” Makes sense. I got a 9 in Physical Touch. “Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.” And the 6 in Quality Time almost seems… negligible.

SO THE TL;DR of how I want to be communicated with? Verbally and Physically. Which should surprise no one. So what about Wife?

WIFE RESULTS
9 Quality Time
8 Acts of Service
7 Words of Affirmation
4 Physical Touch
2 Receiving Gifts

So right off the bat we see something of note. Her highest just in number is equal to my second highest. So, while it wasn’t discussed (again)… I’m led to believe from that an implied meaning of “Communicating Love isn’t as strong of a priority or need.” Moving beyond that, we see that the way in which Wife wishes to communicate love is
(1) Quality time; sharing space and time. (2) Acts of Service; serving and being served in the daily tasks of life. (3) Words of Affirmation; kind, encouraging, and positive words.

So there’s some interesting stuff there! And a few different ways to tackle it.

Using simply “judging” perspective (not being a dick, simply assessing with a colder, if selfish, viewpoint)… Wife’s love languages feel (to me) like what any good friendship or family relationship would do anyway. Spend time together, do things for one another, say kind and uplifting things to each other. Isn’t that just… being involved in fellowship with another person? Whereas… comparing the strength of my Words of Affirmation and adding in the Physical Touch component… I see mine as saying “I need more than uplifting words. I need the ‘I love you,’ I need the ‘I appreciate you.’ And on top of it, to communicate love and not just tolerance… I need physical connection.”

Using a less judging perspective and more “therapeutic” perspective… Wife’s love languages have some important overlap with mine. Both of us rated gifts at the bottom and placed Quality Time and Words of Affirmation towards the top. So the exchanging of presents isn’t a primary form of expression to either of us; but making sure we spend time together and say positive things to one another is important to both of us.

Using a far more critical perspective, however, I can’t help but notice… if Words of Affirmation are important to Wife… why is she so utterly and impossibly bad at it. I mean… even though it registered at only a 7… I was surprised to see it in her top 3 considering her constant verbal criticism and near-now-refusal to say “I love you.”






















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I’m not great at this thinking for self; but I see it outside of myself all the time. The truth is, there is beauty everywhere. It takes various shapes, sizes, colors, and forms… but rarely have I ever met someone who did not have some beauty in them.