Night Beach Mornings in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I woke up this morning and said “no”
I went back to sleep.
I finally got out of bed at some point…maybe around 2PM…and I showered…and I drank some Gatorade…and I threw it up…and I drank some water…and I threw it up…
I was able to go to the campus and get some pizza and keep it down.
I made it through my study group…I made it through class…
I got home and now I’m on my third tallboy.

I am such a fucking alcoholic…but like, it’s not compulsive…

So, the human brain is a receiver, yeah?
A “normal, healthy” brain is supposed to pick up one channel of reality and display that channel to the user in an interactive hallucination.
For some reason, I have like…five channels that I’m picking up…and I pick them all up at the same time, so it’s kind of like being in a crowded cafeteria…you just hear this static noise…but it’s not noise, it’s reality.

When I drink, I can get that down to two channels.
Sometimes one channel.

All of the other channels are for beings in higher dimension than we are, and I can’t even make sense out of most of the output.
It’s very distressing…it distorts the shit I can make sense of.

Alcohol…is…the only thing that works…so far…I mean, I have tried every drug except for PCP and so far none of them have cut down my capacity for reception.

I dunno.

I just got prescribed a new med from the doctor…it’s a situational anti-anxiety drug and it’s not a benzo…so…like, we’ll see if it even works…fuck benzo’s though, amIright??

My doctor is so fucking SoCal, I can’t even handle it…like…I’m a native, but I have lived in so many other places and traveled around…this guy…the way he walks…I can’t get over the way he walks…I get to his office and I follow behind him and his gate is just absurd…so cocky…so self assured…it’s almost offensive.

I still think he’s cool though.

…

I am feeling nervous about this date coming up on Sunday…I don’t know what to wear, or how to act, or what to say, or how to be…human.

She’s bringing a joint, so we’re going to be walking around DTLB just stoned as fuck and I feel like I’m going to get weird.

I always get weird…especially when I’m stoned.

What am I even doing dating?
I wish I could just die already.

Hahaha…oh man…I sound like such a cry baby.
I live in fucking paradise…and I hardly have to do anything.
I work and go to school and hang out with my friends…that’s literally all I do…it’s so easy.
And here I am, just like, “SOMEBODY TURN THIS FUCKING NOISE DOWN!!!!!!”

Last night was amazing…I felt alive for a moment.

In every life we have ever lived, Golnar and I have made a pact to meet back up when we really need eachother the most.
Our timing this time, as always, was impeccable.

She picked me up last night and we drove to Laguna…I drank hard cider and beer as we drove the sleeping canyon…we listened to music and talked about the absurd nature of reality.
When we got to the sand and I felt it between my toes, cold and pale in the moonlight, I instantly felt connected to something…and the waves…I love the waves at night, they are so gentle…usually.

We ended up walking to a secret cove and smoked some moonrocks.
I think they were melon flavored.

We marveled at how we are “adults” and we can just do things like this without worrying about anything....I think the main reason for that realization was the fact that everyone else on the beach that night were teenagers.

I had a moment to reflect on how beautiful everything is.
I had a moment to appreciate life.

We walked around and checked out the art galleries through the windows…some guy was super abrasive, he asked us if we knew where The Green Room was…and yeah, it’s like 40 minutes north of where we were…but fuck that guy…we told him we were tourists and that we didn’t know anything.

Aren’t we all tourists?

Anyway…I forgot to eat and drink water.

Today has been mostly pain.
And my brain hurts really bad.

It’s almost midnight and I feel like I should eat something…but I really don’t want to.
I wish I could close my eyes and go to sleep…and just…live there…in my dreams…or stop existing altogether.

Anyway…enough out of me.

Life is the weirdest thing I’ve ever done.

Thank you for being here
Thank you for listening
I miss these talks.
Just don’t forget about me, okay?
I love you so much.
- Dane