As It Happens in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Friday night after MIL went to sleep and Wife and I adjourned to bed? I couldn’t sleep. At all. I tried. Wife fell asleep. And I lay in bed… trying. Honestly? I think it has just become too hard to share a bed with Wife. The painful disconnect of emotion and physical and everything else? It just weighs on me. I’m sitting in bed with my wife… and I just feel like… I don’t know. I don’t have great words for it. I just..... what we’ve got now isn’t a marriage. It barely qualifies as a friendship. So it is really hard to sleep in the same bed. I tried for hours and hours and hours. I finally conked out at 7:14 a.m. I woke up at 9:45 a.m. That was my sleep for the day. roughly 2.5 hours. We went to my Mom’s… picked her up and took her and MIL to Zombie Burger. MIL went back to her conference and Wife, Mom, and I went to Raygun. Saw some good/interesting products. Then we took Wife to Joann’s Fabrics to return some things, then took Wife to UPS Store to send something, then went back to Mom’s. Mostly for Dog time and just to chat and hydrate a bit. Then Wife and I came home.... watched Netflix until MIL got home then went to bed. Hooray for Saturdays.

Then the sleep struggles continued. Hit bed at around 11:00 at night. Didn’t actually fall asleep until 2:30 a.m. Woke up at 6:45 a.m. So… my body only wants 4 hours of sleep? That doesn’t sound right!

Many hours later.... it has been raining, hailing, and sleeting here a lot. Does NOT help the sleeplessness.

At around 8:30… Wife asked me, “Why do you buy alcohol every week?” To which I said, “YOU don’t want to ask.” She responded, “I demand to know.” And I responded with, “It is the easiest way to deal with the painful dysfunction of our marriage.”

She said I was over reacting and being over dramatic.

After I had a nice long talk with my MIL about her conference, her husband’s health, and their plans for the coming year… it was time for all of us to go to bed.

Wife asked me why I haven’t been able to sleep. I told her (this is the word for word response) “I feel like you don’t give a damn about my emotional or physical needs.” She sat with it for a minute, literally shrugged, and tried to make a joke.

Seriously? I’m SO GLAD to know that my “need” to hear my wife say “I love you” is ridiculous. I’m SO GLAD to know that my “need” to have my wife voluntarily touch me without saying “gross” is foolish. I’m SO GLAD to know that my “need” to have a fucking relationship with my Wife is something to shrug at!!!!

OBVIOUSLY… I was upset by her behavior. But her response? “Stay quiet, I’m trying to get to sleep.” Awesome. Fucking awesome.

This marriage sucks in every way.....but I still can’t forgive myself for my strong thoughts about getting the hell out. I have all the evidence I need to prove to myself that my wife “loves me” because of what I can do for her, what I can be for her, what I can give to her… but not about me in any way. Imagine that. I have all the evidence to prove to myself and a jury that my Wife doesn’t actually give a shit. AND YET I still can’t forgive myself for my strong thoughts about leaving!

Oh. I don’t know if I shared this yet.
Thursday at 1:30… Que called to set up an interview.
Thursday at 2:00… Web called to set up an interview.
Thursday at 8pm… Garrett sent an e-mail asking if I’d be available for a phone call at 8am the next day.
Friday at 1:30 pm… I checked my e-mail and discovered what Garrett had sent me. I responded with an apology that I hadn’t seen the e-mail before and he could call when he wanted. He asked if he could call at 4:30. I said sure. He tendered me an “unofficial verbal job offer.” I told him I would “likely accept”. Here’s the deal… it is an acceptable job and I’m glad to have it. BUT… if Que offers me a job after the interview… I would much rather have that job for a number of reasons. If you want a really simple one? The job offers 13-18,000 more. When you consider that my paycheck for last year before taxes was $30,000? That financial discrepancy is significant.
So here’s the problem. I need to accept the offer by the end of the weekend and set up housing fairly soon after that. But my Que interview isn’t until June 18. So… while I’d really like it if Que made me an offer to work in a larger office with a larger staff for considerably more money… it presents a problem. Because… I’ve accepted an offer of employment. If Que makes me an offer? I’ll have to quit that job officially and that… could be tricky. Ethically and otherwise.

Since my life is currently filled with “My marriage is fucking dead but I’m emotionally retarded” and “My career hangs in the balance but I don’t know what I should do”
I’ve decided to end this entry with a “YES. This is something I can be confident about, What I find attractive:”

Last updated June 11, 2018