GR and Garumph in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

How much backstory is needed?

Many weeks ago, I bought (for myself and Wife) tickets to a rare live event. I knew it would be one of those extraordinarily rare events that both Wife and I would enjoy prima facie and I had no qualms about spending the money. HOWEVER, I got the date wrong. I thought that the event was June 7th. I was wrong. It was June 14th. This actually proved to be awesome, in fact. Y’see… my wife, who has an insanely difficult time making friends, had turned down an offer to do something fun on Thursday the 7th because she thought our tickets were 6/7. Since they were 6/14… I encouraged her to contact the friend that invited her out and confirm that she could attend. After much discussion, she did just that.

So… while she was out drinking and having fun with friends… I was home… drinking and playing video games. That isn’t a commentary on anything… just explaining what was happening.

When she returns, she describes what I interpret to be a good time. I say it that way because she didn’t “gush” about the evening… but she didn’t instantly discuss all the ways the evening sucked. Knowing her as I do? If she isn’t instantly complaining about the evening… it means she had a good time. However, she doesn’t discuss with me this good time. These are important things to notice as we progress forward in our ultimately dysfunctional relationship. She doesn’t discuss the good. She tells me it was fun, she felt safe, and she had a good time. I celebrate (at least a little) that she was able to do this with friends.

But as soon as focus comes back to our relationship? Yeah. We have a return of issues. I mention that she hasn’t said “I love you” in so long that it makes my heart ache (translation: 2 months +)… she tells me to man up. I mention that her thighs are amazing… perfect color, size, and shape… she tells me that I am disgusting for finding her thighs acceptable. I tell her that I would (true quote) “love to put my emotions into action for her” and all she can say in response is “Gross!”

I mean… FFS. My wife, apparently, has no interest in my emotional well being and could care LESS about my physical well being. Frankly, I honestly don’t understand why she supports Monogamy so much, since it seems (to me) that her life would be significantly improved by me getting 100% of my physical AND emotional release from a third party!!

Ironically, Wife’s shit happens to coincide with an amazing BettterHelp.com response from my therapist. We’ve discussed my personal issues and my marital issues a lot recently. My therapist’s response:

“I hear you expressing about how you may feel if you hear no’s about every job interview....that this will wear on your self esteem. Let me ask you this…what if we look at no’s as (terrible grammar here - please help me:) just for the no’s they are and not take them personally?

What happens if you consider those roles just weren’t for you…or your energy; so in that space you move to what feels right? Moving with your intentional purpose. Because truthfully…if you are walking in with your solid values, hardworking work ethics, and depth in personality..and they think they have a better fit…it must not be about you. Rather, there just happened to be a better fit. How does this sound to you?

I am glad my grandfather story was fruitful. :) I cannot say I have shared it in this context before…things just aren’t all black and white or right or wrong....there is always much middle ground, much gray area. If you are consistently working to be you, you are doing yourself right. :) You heard the dangers....but sometimes, we still want to push through those feelings…just in case. Otherwise, we might actually never move or help someone out…because these days it seems we can paint danger everywhere! :)

I am reading a book right now…it is on couples. :) There is a quiz inside the first chapter and I am thinking I will try to scan it over to you. It lists out about 40 concepts related to a relationship and asks you to rate them for a sort of measure on your partnership. I think the overall quiz may give you some concepts to reflect on that are healthy…as I hear you questioning if you are too idealistic or greedy…or naive. My assessment is that you are not these things, Christopher. Rather that you have a high tolerance for discomfort. You do deserve mutual support, both of you do, …this is a bit of what this book speaks about. Both individuals need to be all in and give in times of their partner’s strain. I will try to get this to you in the next couple of days. :) Time for a book photo shoot. :)

I am hearing that when you use boundaries with your Wife that you get a realistic sense of the relationship at hand and it doesn’t feel good. And if this is the case, I encourage you to allow yourself to truly feel what this feels like and process those feelings so that you will have the strength and information you need to assertively communicate your values, needs and decisions along the way. I really hearing you working to care for yourself in quite a challenging space of transition!

Love to hear your reflections. :)

Great reflections on Harvey Two Face…I thank you for this. :) Although, I am sure there are significant differences between the random coin flip and the quality of energy you put into decisions. :) You ultimately make the decisions, Christopher. None of us could have handed in that resignation for you. Or sign up for counseling and then come in here and type and type to process thoughts and feelings. :) You truly are in charge and you work very hard to ensure your decisions are those that reflect your values. This is super tough, when we are helpers in the world. Looking to do the right thing..to please others along the way…and underneath it all, just to be respected and appreciated. I am not convinced that you give yourself enough credit in these difficult decisions. :) Love to hear your thoughts on this.”

That was my therapist’s response!

PS: I’ve been shit about notes and reading of late. Attempting to navigate my physical disability, my relationship bullshit, and my occupational frustration has, sadly, been more than I can handle. However, as I read most of the notes I receive… I can’t help but feel: “I love you all.” Sincerely. I’ve been involved in so many different “communities” during my lifetimes and, without a doubt, this Prosebox Community is the best. If you are one of the (very) few who have noted and not received a direct response… please understand… I deeply appreciate your note, your insight, your response! I truly apologize for not responding to your note directly, but I promise that is not an indication of your note’s (or notes’) importance. Thank you, thank you, thank you… and I love you.