One with some Meat to it in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Thank you all for the notes on my last Relationship entry. I’ve given it some thought and I appreciate what was stated. It makes a lot of sense to simply allow my Wife to feel and react the way she does without trying to mitigate or distract. And if I were a wiser or kinder person, I would likely leave it at that.

But seriously? The extent of her negativity, tantrums, outbursts, criticism, and complaining… has had a painfully cumulative effect. Many of you praise my patience (and I thank you for it) but where once that patience seemed near infinite… it is narrowing more and more. That is why I try to actively take preemptive steps… because I have less and less tolerance for her shit each time and I’d like to do as much as I can to keep things peaceful and acceptable.

Though… acceptable certainly doesn’t have the same meaning as it once used to. Acceptable now means simply… relatively peaceful co-existence. That’s… less marriage, more peace treaty. I mean… my parents told me, before I got married, that there will be times in your marriage where you don’t love your spouse. I had come to terms with that. But I expected… emotions, affection, intimacy… of some degree. The fact that I haven’t heard my Wife say “I love you” in weeks means something to me. The fact that I can’t get her to give me any emotional validation or physical affection at all… means something to me. The fact that she consistently refuses sexual advances if one of us is sober… means something. And I know you folks are probably damned sick of me making the same complaints day in and day out… and I don’t blame you. I’m pretty damned sick of making the same complaints day in and day out. But… I do hope there is at least a modicum of understanding here. I had bad relationship followed by “I’m leaving you because I don’t think you’re capable of happiness” followed by Rapist Attempted Murder followed by two instances of “If you tell anyone we’re dating, it’s over.” Then Wife. A girl who wanted to be with me, was okay with people knowing, and didn’t try to kill me. We dated for 6 years before getting married and we’ve been married for 7 years. NOW… it is TRUE that the list of “good times and good memories” is short… and encompasses nothing since November 2011.... but my past plus that history… not to mention the family pressures of “MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE WORK, DAMMIT!!” and… It is one big headache-causing emotional mess.

I spoke with my Therapist about how “the best nights are when I treat Wife like a room mate. Not a friend or associate or colleague… but a room mate. Someone who shares my space, whose feelings I have to consider, and then… that’s it. Nothing more.” My therapist said, “It sounds like you were setting healthy emotional boundaries. If you had nothing left to give, and she was asking for more, shutting yourself off like this can be a healthy protective measure for you. Why does it make you say, ‘heart broken and worried?”

I think the heart breaking and worrying part is… the “room mate” relationship seems to be what Wife would prefer. She hasn’t said “I love you” in a month or more… she withdraws from almost all physical affection… and the only times we get intimate are when one of us is completely plastered. In short, my marriage’s default is “room mates who somewhat get along” and that is what worries me and breaks my heart. I know I need to have boundaries and stick to them so that I can be healthy… but I don’t know. I hope I’m not being naive, greedy, or idealistic but… I would just prefer a marriage that involves more mutual support, love as expressed through word and deed, genuine affection, and maybe a little passion now and then. If I simply wanted a room mate that I found attractive, I could have gone to Craig’s List for that instead of getting married. That is why I find the whole thing heart breaking and worrisome.

(Not surprisingly, but not honorably, I certainly miss Raven more in times like this.)

And then I got to talk at her a bit about Harvey Two Face… because she didn’t understand my reference when I said, “I’m starting to need a neutral 3rd party’s opinion more and more. I see both sides of the issue and can argue myself into a stalemate. I’m becoming more like Harvey Two Face more and more in needing a dispassionate 3rd to help me make decisions.”