Relationships in Random Public Stuffs

On nights like this where my pain flares, I read random diaries. Its about summer, ”officially”, so its really no surprise to read about relationships crumbling. Some people are just a bag of used tampons that have been left in the Midwest sun during our 105F days. They don’t want to be single during winter, they use people, etc.

This doesn’t surprise me at all.

What DOES surprise me is how people put up with it. Myself included.

No more.

This was only my second Father’s Day without my Dad. I told Larry that I needed him to be there for me. He also told me that he had to do some work, so I was okay for a bit. I kept myself busy and punished my body as a way of not dealing with my emotions.

I finally checked in around 1700 hrs because I hadn’t heard from him.

He ended it all right there.

He told me he was at a friend’s house. That friend is currently with his ex or “ex-fuck buddy”. Depends on who you ask. I found out she was with him before we dated and thought she was going to have him again while I was taking a piss. He told me they didn’t date. She swore up and down they did.

So I asked when he got off work and he said he just put it off.

I felt like puking.

He went back and forth between that place and the bar. I told him I needed to talk to him and here he just ditched me.

The final blow? ”I had a rough day and he helped me through it.”

I. Flipped. Out.

I told him that for once, I needed him to be the strong one and told him he had over two DECADES to heal and work through the loss of his father. He told me to not start a fight about it. Reading those texts over again, I was just done. I told him that I was done with him lying to me, keeping secrets from me, and just being a worthless piece of shit for going over to that chick’s house when he knew that was one of my hard limits. She started so much fucking drama and two and a half years later, there is drama again.

I’m done. I have a little bit of sadness, but its for myself because I honestly should’ve let go a long time ago.

Lesson learned. I value myself more, I love myself more, and I definitely am not afraid to be alone, because I am worthy of an amazing companion. I let myself have doubts when I should’ve trusted my gut.

Finding that balance of “for better, for worse” and “you done fucked up, come correct or I’m walking” is hard.

That was the last straw for me. I can say, with no doubt, that I gave it everything I had. It just didn’t work out.

I refuse to allow my partner define me, to break me, to hurt me…it took awhile for me to remember that I deserve better than what he was giving me.

I am doing okay. Still gotta work through dart season with him on my team, but I can do this.

I used to see a future with him. Now? Just a few specks here and there. That picture is almost completely gone. There is no hope for him.

He used “depression” and “grief”, but I had to remind him that its my turn to have comfort and support.

People are jumping on the “mental illness” bandwagon like its a fucking trend and I want to punch these people in the throat. They just do it for attention and that makes it even harder for those who need help to actually get it.

Bottom line. People will do what you allow. Got a shitty relationship? Is it fixable? Cool. Is he constantly cheating? Does she abuse you emotionally? Why the fuck are you staying? Do you like the attention you get when you write about it? Looking for validation?

You’re “depressed”? Is that an actual diagnosis? Oh, you have excuses as to why you don’t have one? You don’t want to help yourself? Its obvious you’re being an attention whore.

I have Bipolar I. It took YEARS, probably almost nine years, to find the right medications, to get regulated, and therapy. I fought to be myself and not my diagnosis. I wanted to be better for myself. I could lay around and mope, or I can fight. I can get up and put one foot in front of the other and get going.

I am a fighter. I choose to work through the hard parts instead of bowing down.

I needed to remember who I am.

I am actually ready to be alone again. I am done with dating for awhile.

I might not ever date again.