Responses and Days in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Hey all:

Thank you for your responses on my last entry. Well, thank you to most of you. There was one noter that seemed… how shall I put it? Troll-like.

I may be incorrect as to the nature or spirit of an Internet Troll, but as I see it… a Troll is someone who intentionally says something the harshest way possible in an effort to illicit a response. Yes? Someone who goes onto a YouTube video of cats playing with string and says something like, “Cats suck! You should drown those fuckers and buy a real pet!! Unless you’re too busy taking dick in your ass to man up, you faggot!!” Stuff like that, yes? As the internet grows and adapts and as I am left further and further behind in all things Tech, I’m still not 100% confident on all proper terms and labeling.

Though, perhaps “troll” goes a step too far.
The exact comment I received was as follows: “I don’t mean to be rude but, you sound like a woman.
I know you didn’t ask for any suggestions from random a holes, but again, ;) I recommend you look into some meditation.
Blah blah blahing about stuff that doesn’t matter won’t help you figure out what does.
I wish you all the best.”

Now… the truth is… that comment isn’t likely as offensive as I feel it to be. But the “you sound like a woman” thing hits a lot of old wounds that have followed me throughout most of my life. From about the time I was 5 or 6… the go-to insult was to call me by a girl’s name and call me a girl. I was more “artistic” and less “athletic”… thinner and less masculine looking. This followed me into High School where I was cast in many plays as a Cross-Dresser and where the entire High School population was 10000% certain that I was a homosexual. Even as we were getting married (and for several years after our wedding), Wife would often use the “You’re the girl in this relationship” comment against me. Hell, she still does even after I’ve discussed why I really don’t like being called that. Yes. I value emotions and connection and relationships and communication. But that doesn’t make me female. So yeah… gendered comments (especially highlighting toxic masculinity in a preferential way) rile me up.

Here’s why I’m writing about it at all. I found the comment distasteful and it riled me up a bit. So I followed the note back to its writer’s PB to see if this person was just… going through some really tough stuff or if the person is a legitimate douche bag. Six Entries total. It was worse than expected. I was anticipating some kind of “Life sucks” entries or some “Trump is my God” stuff. Instead I saw extremely vial, disgusting, sexually violent, anti-women, misogynist poison. Just… poison. Therefore, I blocked him on PB. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. Typically, if I get a rough note… I’ll engage. At worst, I’ll ignore the individual. But I don’t think I’ve straight up blocked someone before.

I will be responding to the notes that were worth responding to. Though… I’m just awful shit about all of that stuff. Frankly, if I can’t seem to get any sleep tonight as well… I should compel myself to (1) Catch up on Reading Entries; (2) Respond to the notes; and (3) Finish my gigantic sized extra long entry. I’ve had the “Notes to Respond to” tab open since May 14!! I really just… want to express myself well but I’m turning that into something it shouldn’t be. If it takes 3 weeks to figure out how to say something, it is taking FAR too long! This is why I’m so often a poor friend. Typically, I’m decent/good at timing and time management. Except when it comes to friends. Give me a scheduled social engagement, I’m there with brilliant timing. But just the… keeping up? I’m terrible! Calling to say hi. Stopping to chat. Even shooting out a friendly e-mail or bloody Facebook message. Same issue with Prosebox lately, I’m afraid.

Interesting turn on the Job Search. After my Jones Interview, a job came up in Que. I applied. The “cut off date” is May 31st… so I’m hoping to hear from them because… while there would be some issues… Que is at least in my TOP 10 of all Iowa. Shortly after that, a job came up in Web. I applied. The “cut off date” is June 8th. A bit mixed on that one. The county is 37,000 people, the city is 24,000 people… and one of the most crime riddled. Also… not a great location for travel options to friends or family. Shortly after that, a job came up in Garrett. I applied. In less than two days, I received an e-mail asking for a Phone Interview. That phone interview happens tomorrow morning. :/ The location (where it is in the state) is decent… hour away from my family, hour away from MBFITWW, hour away from Wife’s family. The money isn’t quite as good. The County is smaller. The city is smaller. So I’m feeling a bit mixed. A prosecution job, yay. Money and benefits, yay. But… we’ll see. I suppose. I talked to Wife about it. She mentioned how she would likely not work and made several implications that she would chose to be miserable if the Garrett job came up. SO… uhm… yeah. Grrrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaaaat. More to think about, right?

I mentioned the “Catfish” thing to my Therapist. I was using it as an example of Gut Feeling versus Intellectualizing. The gut feeling was that this could be something, but also that I enjoyed the friendship, but also that there were warning signs, but.... yeah. I was explaining that I intellectualize because my gut seems to suggest ideas but then I have to reason and rationalize the strings I’m feeling. That kind of thing.

Therapist’s response: “I hear you on the “catfish” possibility. In our current world, yes, it sounds like your gut is reminding you that this is a reasonable possibility. This will help you make decisions if this person starts asking for credit card information or meeting up in some private location. But for the purposes of continuing an ongoing intellectual conversation and being a supportive friend…it sounds like your gut is guiding you not to set too strong of boundaries and to allow yourself to still be available. How does this sound to you? is it possible that both sides of your thinking on this are related to your gut?”

Not quite sure what to say to her but it does tag me. My instinct with Raven is “Could be catfishing, could be any number of things. If she is legitimately in hospital or hurting; I do want to be there for her. That’s… that is how I work.

Last night was another sleepless night. At around 3:00 a.m., I decided fuck it. If my wife can have sex with me when I’m blackout drunk… ride me until she orgasms… go to sleep… and then tell me all about it the next morning when I wake up.... if she can do that, I can “take for myself” what I want a little, too! So, I scooted close to Wife as she slept, put an arm around her and put my hand on her bare leg. Maybe this means I’m “needy” or something but… it calmed me. I was a kid that got hugs all the time. Even in High School… high fives, hand shakes, hugs… every day. I am a guy that likes physical contact of some kind. Our marriage being one of… persistent non-touching? Apparently, a little touch can help. I fell asleep around 4 a.m. and woke up at 10. I did some housework, responded to some e-mails, absolutely kicked my ass at my work out.

The evening was… acceptable? I tried to fix some stuff on-line with our insurance and stuff… meanwhile Wife was complaining about her CosPlay items being shipped inconveniently and how her legs were sore from her run on Tuesday. I was feeling considerably frustrated with the internet issues and the Government Red Tape I was dealing with. But unlike Wife, I don’t have to verbalize every negative thing that I feel. But I will say… mixing my frustration with her continuous carping… it really strained my ability to not start shouting or being rude.

Two more things than I’m done for the night.
- I know very little about technology these days. I don’t even have an iTunes account! Seriously. But there is something I’ve always wanted to know how to do because it is some of my favorite internet content. Animated Music Videos and GIFs with Sound. They seem like they would be similar practices.

• Lastly? Of the MANY THINGS I want to do… respond to comments, catch up on reading, finish writing my LONGEST ENTRY IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE..... I also want to continue to express myself sexually. Since we know that isn’t going to happen in my OWN life, it will involve me posting more Adult Stories to my Explicit Content Book. I have 3 in my Drafts folder waiting for me to finish writing and a few in my head.

That’s all.

Night night!