Oh, FFS in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

So…

Saturday.......

I slept in. Dreaming. Please see my Members Only Explicit Entry to read that dream… strange, sexy, and… I think I know what was going on… but not entirely certain. But yeah. Wife apologized for last night. No excuse just an “I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better.” but at least she realized why last night was a fucking nightmare for me. I guess. I mean.... an apology is the least she could do after 15 hours of contemplation about a 38 year old woman throwing a tantrum.

Being Saturday, Wife had the day off. What that meant? I was chauffeur and companion to her Shopping Spree for CosPlay. We left the apartment around 2-ish… we returned around 7-ish. The whole time going from Atomic Garage Vintage Clothing Store to Theatrical Shoppe to the Mall. Last time I did that much walking and waiting was Vegas!

We came home and after a quick internet search, Wife decided that everything she bought was wrong and spent even more money on Amazon to try to get the right stuff for next Sunday.

We watched Akira which I had never seen before and at that point… it was already time to go to bed. I wanted to tell my Wife about my dream but she said that I was “too late” and she was “tired and didn’t care.” Super. Glad that I spent all day following her around shopping center after shopping center in 96 degree heat. Ufda.

SO now she’s sleeping peacefully. I’m still awake. Sore as HELL because of all of the walking. Unhappy that today could just as easily have been defined as “Wife’s Shopping Day.”

I sent an E-Mail to my mother explaining the misery that was Friday Night. My mom is a compassionate, wonderful, saintly woman.... her response to last night’s tantrums and bullshit: “I’m sorry that Wife is in a tough place. Sometimes when going through therapy - it gets worse before it gets better because so many things change. The “patterns” change. But, you need to do you. Maybe it’s time for couples’ counseling?”

And she’s right. It is time for either Separation or Couple’s Counseling. As I am not employed right now… I am genuinely curious if Couples Counseling is even a valid option. I mean… the expense alone is one thing… but I’m also not certain whether Wife has had enough individual therapy to be in a place where Couple’s Counseling could help. I mean… honestly, truly, when you really stop to consider what Couple’s Counseling means......... both partners must be in a place to attempt to understand, sympathize, and empathize with their partner to truly make any headway. Right now? Wife is still in a place where it takes her 15 hours to realize that a “throwing things tantrum” may not be the most adult way for a 38 year old to express themselves to their spouse! Thus why a job out of county seems like such a brilliant idea. An acceptable, rational way for me to get some much needed separation from my Wife.

I honestly hate that I’ve gotten to this point. I still find my wife beautiful. I painfully miss the woman she once was. I’m reminded of a crass if accurate joke I once heard.

Husband: I’m sorry. I have to leave you. I’m in love with another woman.
Wife: What’s her name?!
Husband: You. The version of you that I fell in love with.

NOW… I’m not an asshole. I’m not a dickhead. I understand and accept that Marriage is the difficult, tricky path of choosing love as two people grow and change. However, I’m not the one that tells their spouse “I preferred you at your original weight.” I’m not the one that has consistently pushed a narrative of misery and hopelessness. Would I be thrilled if I could bring my marriage back from the brink? HELL YEAH. Does it honestly seem likely? Well… I have to say… not really.

I mean hell… a good friend of mine was going through a tough time… and simply from dealing with Wife, I was too emotionally and physically exhausted to be the “Buck up and don’t be suicidal” friend. I get that life is exhausting and difficult… and I know that I am an empathetic guy that chose a stressful occupation… and I get that I have a chronic pain disorder that is typically considered a “woman’s problem”… but I’m tired of being tired. I’m sick of being exhausted. I’m done with not feeling supported. But those feelings? That’s a long way from solution.