Thursday and a Follow Up in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Last night I shared a Members Only entry that was true (save key identifying details). The interactions I discussed made me happier than I’d been in a considerable amount of time… even though it felt like I wasn’t the important factor. It definitely was an interaction where anyone could have been on my end (and likely was). But you’ve all been correct. You are correct about my actions constituting cheating. I won’t deny it, I won’t make excuses for it, I won’t diminish it.

If reading my last entry made any of you lose respect for me, made you disappointed, made you hate me, made you think less of me… so be it. I can’t change that. And I won’t take back that last entry. I want to make Prosebox, my Prosebox space, open and as honest as I can be. Why? Honestly because I’m still dedicated to why I made this space to begin with. I came here because I was miserable in a celibate marriage in Law School. I didn’t want to be a statistic… relationships end in Law School… that is the overwhelming truth. I brought Wife to Nebraska, that is why she said she was miserable, that is why our relationship became what it did. I brought Wife to Tiny Town where we were both unhappy but our relationship made some strides because we only had each other. For a few months. Than things changed and I was more okay with our situation than she was. Again… it was my fault because I moved her to a place where she was miserable. So, she requested we move to Des Moines. Her choice, her decision. After 5 years of her misery being my fault… I brought us to where she said she’d be happy. It didn’t work. For the first time in our marriage… Wife was miserable and there was no way it could be blamed on me.

I know that the vast majority of comments I’ve received over the years has been “Divorce her.” That has been a running statement. “If you’re miserable, if your needs aren’t being met, if your life is more supporting her than feeling supported… in what way do you have a marriage?” And… honestly… that has been a big “bug in my ear.”

My wife… doesn’t show compassion or affection and rarely pays attention to anyone or anything outside of her own interests. The most sex we’ve ever had in one week was recently… because she was hammered, I was hammered, and she openly stated that she didn’t care if I orgasmed. And… I didn’t. Any of those times. Another way in which our relationship is about her, not us. Whenever I request sex, the answer is no. Whenever. These things are required to be done when she wants. But it is not just about the sex. The sex is important… more important than I ever would have realized before getting married… but it isn’t just the sex. It is the relationship. The ability to have a conversation with each other. The ability to feel like she cares about me… that I matter to her as more than just “what I can do for her.” The ability to go on a date!! Seriously!! I would love to take her to shows, restaurants, and actually date. But… she has no interest. Dinner dates suck because… we just sit in silence. Usually, with her resorting to playing on her damned phone. She has no interest in shows. The only two dates that work are Movie Dates or Stand-Up Comedy dates. Her communication technique is to either monologue with no concern for back and forth communication or it is her being judgmental, negative, and critical. We’re room mates who like each other well enough and occasionally in moments of drunkenness bang one out unsatisfactorily. So… yeah… I’ve given a lot of thought to “in what way do you have a marriage?”

But… I’m still not quite to the “I’m filing for divorce” stage. I can’t explain it. I don’t know why. HONESTLY. I mean… there’s nothing I can do for wife to make her life less miserable (I’ve been trying for 7 years)… the last 7 years have shown repeatedly that Wife is either unwilling or unable to be a “compassionate, affectionate, attentive wife.” And I’m actively unhappy in the marriage. After all of this time, my best answer to “In what way do you have a marriage?” is (1) legally, contractually; (2) spiritually, vows before God; (3) familial, she is a part of my family. Which… isn’t inspiring. That isn’t the brilliant, passionate answer of a happy husband. And yeah… “In what way do you have a marriage?” plays in my head a lot. But still… for reasons I can’t fully comprehend… I’m not to “File for Divorce” yet.

This entry kind of reflects my mind wandering. MOSTLY I wanted to say… If you don’t respect me, don’t like me, are disappointed in me… however you feel about me… that’s fair. That is totally fair. I can’t fault you for that. But I do want to keep communication open and I do consider many of you friends and don’t want to hurt that.