A Little Venting (November 17, 2012) in Old OD Entries

Well I have been in a partially good mood lately. I am a little less stressed because I have been keeping up with my work in all my classes and my grades are looking really good. I am positive that I will have four A's and a B when the semester is over. I guess I could live with that B. I registered for classes yesterday and I got the ones that I wanted :)

I am so excited for thanksgiving break! I just have to get through till Tuesday... the break doesn't start until then and my professors insist on lecturing even though everyone will probably forget about what was said over the next week.

I am really looking forward to seeing my friends again it has been about a month since I have been home and seen them. They are all coming home too and we have made plans to hang out. My mom is the one person that I cannot wait to see. I talk to her on the phone almost everyday and I miss her so much. We talked on the phone last night and she was telling me about the wonderful food that she is going to cook for us.

By us I mean just me and her. I have not talked about my personal problems on here because I just didn't want to get into it but I have not told anyone besides my best friend and I think it would be beneficial if I got all of this off my chest now.

After I left for college my home life became a complete mess. My sister is not a very good person, I love her to death but she is just one of those people that only thinks of themselves and not the feelings of others. My sister is very different from me. She has always been very popular amongst her peers. Why wouldn't she be...she is gorgeous, outgoing, and funny. However, when she entered the 7th grade she changed...a lot. She started to wear make-up, date boys, and have an attitude. This is all normal for a teenager I mean we all go through these stages. She got worse... she got to the point where she was being completely disrespectful to everyone (she was even getting physical with my mom and me), she was getting into fights at school, sneaking out to go to parties with people that were older than she was, letting her grades slip, hanging out with horrible kids, and I am pretty sure that she was drinking and smoking.

One night my mother was getting really pissed at her for being the way that she was and I was yelling at her too, she was just pissing me off with her attitude I was getting tired of it and I told her to grow up and stop trying to impress everyone with this dumb "badass" act of hers. She was 14 and in 8th grade at the time and I was 17 and a senior in high school. That night she ran away from home with her boyfriend who we thought was 15...he turned out to be 18! He looked nothing like 18 but he was. We called the police and my mom was crying and blaming herself for lea's actions and that was what really pissed me off! My mom is a great mom, she tries her hardest to make us happy and when she can't she beats herself up about it. I am grateful for everything that my mom does, my sister however is not...she was always ungrateful...she just expected everything that she got. The police found her the next day and she was back with us.

My mother tried to let her go places with friends and have a cell phone and internet privileges but when she got mouthy my mom would take away everything and discipline her...this just made it worse. She would just get pissed and give us hell. She would act like a good girl for a week or two and when she got her shit back she would just go right back to her usual self.

The manipulation that my sister put my mom through was the thing that mad me so angry with her. She would cry and tell my mom that she was a terrible mother and blame her for all the "pain" that she was going through. What the fuck pain did she have?! Her life was not that bad. My sister just loves drama and wanted to make some! I could not stand it!

I know that my sister secretly resented me. I was the "good" child. I made good grades, I came home when I was told, I respected my mom and I did everything I was supposed to do. She hated me for that. I got all the attention (so she said) and I was the only one that was loved (so she said). I just thought that my sister wanted attention whether it was negative or positive. She knew that everyone would pay attention to her and not me if she did something bad. If she feels this way I am sad for her because this was not the case. She was always praised for keeping her grades a C or better, which was rare. And we went to her dance shows all the time and cheered her on. My mom always bragged about her especially when she got a contract for modeling in Nashville. I always told her that if she would get her act together then she would get some positive feedback, she called me a bitch and told me to shut the fuck up. We argued constantly. I don't understand her. I probably never will.

Now back to the main point that I have been leading up to. After I left in august my sister got pissed with things at home and she ran away again. This time she didn't go back with my mom. My sister told the police that she was being abused both physically and emotionally at home and that my mom was selling her prescription medication and was drinking excessively. Which were complete and utter lies! My sister was taken out of my mom's custody and now we are in court fighting to get her back. My mom has been so stressed and hurt dealing with this. I feel so sorry for my mom, and I have developed a hate for my sister. I hate the fact that she has made me hate her because it is a horrible feeling.

While she has been out of our custody she has been getting worse. The woman that she is living with now is the mother of one of her friends. The woman lives in the projects, (not that that is a bad thing but the people that live there are trash, which she is), has let my sister miss 38 days of school, have parties at the house, pretty much let her do whatever she wants. I guess that is what my sister wanted! The past court dates I have not been to because I have been in school but my mom keeps me updated. The court looks at my mom like scum because of the lies that my sister has told, but I guess that is the justice system for you!

I have to go to court while I am on thanksgiving break to testify against her. I hope that the court takes my word into consideration. I am going to tell the truth about everything. The terrible thing about this is that I have to look at my sister in the eye. I have not seen her since I left for college. It is going to take a lot of self control to not kick her ass in front of everyone! I just hope that my sister feels regret for what she has done, I doubt it though. But we will see how it goes.

So my sister will not be joining us for thanksgiving. My step dad will not either. He and my mother are getting a divorce after three years of marriage. He went back to his old ways and started to do drugs and stole our car and money. I am so pissed at him! How dare he! We have him love and a home! He was sober and caring for the first two and a half years but I guess old habits die hard...My mom had to get a new car and a new apartment. She couldn't afford the payments by herself.

I just feel so bad for my mother. The worst thing is that I can't do anything to help, I just have to sit here and watch. Things are terrible which is why I am trying to succeed in college so much. I don't want to add more bad news to her list. Your daughter hates you, you are getting a divorce...oh and your other daughter is failing college. I have had so many emotions run through me over the past couple of months. I feel like crying...everyone just leaves! You let yourself care for someone and then they just don't care about you, whether they be family or not. You try to forgive but you can't. I guess I am not strong or mature enough for that.

I have tried to enjoy my time here and tried to forget my problems at home, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. My mom tries to hide her pain and re-assure me that things are fine. That is how she is, she doesn't want me to worry. I always worry about her.

I have hope that everything will get better and I am going to try to enjoy my time with my mother and friends. I don't want to let the people who don't care about me affect the time I have with the people who do. I want to keep my head up. I try to be positive.

Well that was a lot more than I intended to write. I feel a little better now that it is all out. Well I better go work on my English paper that is due Monday. Bye.